Vulnerability

One of the things most feared in life is not the fear of being alone, but rather being vulnerable! See, if I let you into my heart, you might not like me; therefore, I keep that all zipped up.

I think ‘vulnerability’ is possibly the biggest roadblock to two people achieving a vibrant healthy relationship. How can anyone really know someone if they don’t really know them? And how can anyone know you when you are not vulnerable? And how can anyone really love you if they don’t even know you? They can’t! I think we may hide so much that we aren’t even sure who we are anymore.

I recently celebrated 18 years of marriage, and although we’ve had a fabulous and even passionate marriage, we’ve had to really work on this whole ‘vulnerability’ piece. There’s no better way, for me, to share this than to just give you an example of vulnerability in action.

EXAMPLE:

I don’t like asking for sexual contact. I just want Jana to want me. And if I’m honest, to really want me ALL the time! (Just sayin’ -- it’s a guy thing!!) And when I “want it,” I want Jana to just know it sub-consciously without me having to ask. Women do this all the time, too … expecting a husband to just know what she wants when she wants it without her having to mention it. But it doesn’t work that way. Back to my example ... So often when I didn’t get what I wanted, I would pout and stew about it. Until finally, I got vulnerable and had a great talk about it. I learned to be vulnerable and ask. It was difficult for me to be really vulnerable with my sexuality and share my feelings, needs, wants, desires, etc. Scary place!

What about you? What things make you mad or upset because really you are afraid to just be vulnerable and talk openly about it?

Side note: When someone is being vulnerable with you … LISTEN with both ears and be very sympathetic and empathetic to really HEAR what they are sharing! Your relationship will go to higher heights! I promise!!

Blinded By Our Past

I am not sure if this picture is to mean, Blinded By Truth, or Blinded From Truth? For the purpose of my blog post here I am going to pick the latter.

Too many times we allow our past to dictate our future; our future attitudes, future successes, future behaviors, future beliefs, etc. What have you allowed your past to keep you from achieving? Obviously our past can also serve as positive, but unfortunately I have witnessed too many times that our pasts have served as a crutch that cripples us and even keeps us from reaching our childhood dreams.  

So maybe you are wondering, “how can I know if my past is keeping me from achieving my dreams?” (dream relationships, dream job, dream life, etc.) Easy, if you feel that’s something is missing, or if you seem to circle the same mountain … like in relationships for example - maybe you start dating, but something always falls apart and it just seems that love is just out of reach, then maybe there is some past beliefs that is hindering you. If you typically feel that you are right and everyone else is wrong, you might be blinded … actually I would say that you of all people maybe be blinded most of all! People that are always attempting to correct others, fix others, counsel others often become blinded by their own shortcomings in the process. I know, I have been there! If you have a sense of unhappiness or unrest, then maybe it’s time to deal with your issues from the past.

So what do you do?

1)      Seek answers from God. Bible says that we should, “ask, seek, knock…” So do it!

2)      Seek guidance from a good counselor. I have done this, and have found them very helpful in self-discovery.

 3)      Read books on the subject of personal development, or whatever particular area you may be struggling with.

4)      Be honest with yourself. Ya know, you could be wrong! You may be doing things wrong. You may be thinking wrong. I know, it’s hard to believe, but it could happen!
 
5)      Ask a spouse or close trusted friend for honest loving feedback. I know, this is scary. But if they love you, I mean really love you they will want to help you overcome your blind spots. Many times those close to you have you figured out, but they don’t feel welcome to share, or frankly they don’t want to hurt your feelings, as well as they love you and are gracious and don’t want to seem judgmental … so they keep their mouth shut. Some of my favorite people in my life have been the ones who weren’t afraid to point out my faults. Praises don’t help me! Correction does. Don’t get me wrong, I want praises just as much as the next guy, but if that is all I ever get then I am no better for it! Tell me the truth, when I ask for it. It’s only valuable and trustworthy coming from trusted close friends. It’s like trying to correct someone else’s child … doesn’t work!     

6)      Listen. Genuinely be open-hearted to hear where you might be missing it. Sometimes people are telling us stuff all the time, not directly, but indirectly. Listen.

7)      Be Humble. The humble shall inherit the earth. To me a humble heart is a heart that is willing to take responsibility for any wrong action, as well as being able to say, “I was wrong, forgive me!”

TRUTH: The harder it is for you to say; “I was wrong, please forgive me” is the indication of just how much pride is in your heart.

10 Dating Mistakes Men & Women Make

1)      They give to get.

2)      They care more about what’s in it for them.

3)      They are looking for someone to make them happy.

4)      They are “Too Fast Too Furious” when it comes to sex.

5)      They try to impress, rather than just BE impressive.

6)      They are emotional immature aka “Moody Jerk”.

7)      They think more about being served than serving.

8)      They keep secrets. (I believe in total and complete honesty)

9)      When there is a problem they point the finger, rather than reflect on how they may have contributed aka “Blame game”.

10)  They get desperate and don’t jump ship when they should. (If he/she isn’t right for you, don’t waste your time on even one more date! Just walk away)

I will expound on each of these points in another blog, I am no vacation and the sun is coming out and it’s my last day on the beach ... gotta go! :) 

Let me know if you think of any I’ve missed!

What We Fear Most About Dying

What is it that people fear most about death? Great question huh? We do everything we can to keep death at bay. Pills, potions, organic foods, yoga, exercise, etc. All in an effort to stay young as long as possible; but death will come to us all, hopefully later rather than sooner.

I am not blogging about death today, but rather what plagues us in death; is it the fear of the unknown? Yes maybe. Is it fear of being gone from what and those we know? I would imagine yes, because that is what I don’t like feeling. Is it fear of leaving loved ones behind? Yes, I believe so.

I read in a book that the greatest fear in death is “being forgotten.” Wow, hadn’t really thought of it like that, but makes sense to me. I know I want to be remembered. I want to leave a legacy. I don’t want to be forgotten. I want to be remembered, not only by my family, but my friends, and if the truth be told I want to be remembered by the world. Maybe that’s a little ostentatious (or whatever the appropriate word for thinking I am worth remembering because I think I am so awesome) but like I said, I am just being honest. I want to leave a mark on this world in a major way.

Now, let me be clear here, I don’t want to be known for just anything. I want to be known for being and doing great things that ultimately will contribute to this world being a better place. For example, if I am remembered as the guy who loved God, his wife, his kids and those God has chosen to put in my life, that’s awesome! But I also want to be remembered as the guy who helped people have better lives, better marriages!

For those who love me and know me, don’t worry I haven’t received some, “you’ve got 6 months to live” message from the doctor or anything, I promise. I just have read a couple books about people in their last years of life and it has made me think about my own life. I plan on being around for many years, hopefully until my late 80’s, or maybe even 90’s! It would be cool to live to 100. Anyway, all that aside … I would image you, like me, want to live a life that matters and a life that is not soon forgotten.

So what am I trying to say in this blog? Simply that we should live a life that matters, a life that is memorable so we won’t have to worry about being forgotten in death.

Challenge: Live a memorable life!

Finding Peace

(My current view)

There is one thing I see the world needs more of, and that's peace. I am not talking about just 'world peace,' like no more wars, though that would be great too, but peace in the hearts and minds of men (women too). We are so fretful, fearful and worried about many things ... it's enough to drive people crazy, and it does. Like the song says, "God is great, Beer is good and people are crazy."

I am currently on vacation in Destin, Florida, which is where I've gone (along with my family ... can't imagine going on vacation without them) every year for the last 18 years! The ocean brings me much peace. I do feel that God may live near the ocean.

I have been experiencing more peace in my life lately, and I have been pondering on why that is... I don't know for sure, but I have a common denominator to what brings more peace and that is MORE TRUST. It seems the more I just trust God, and the people God has put around me, the more at peace I am. I mean if I really am trusting God, what is there to worry about? Really? I mean if I am trusting that God is with me, leading me, guiding me, loving me and only wants what is good for me, then we're good and I am at peace.

Too simple, right? I know I like to 'think' things out of making sense sometimes too! It's that human nature side of me that wants to complicate everything. Peace is not that complicated, at least for my own peace ... peace with others is a whole-nother issue. But I am only responsible for my own peace at this point and for the purpose of this particular blog entry.

So my challenge is to TRUST more fully, and peace will come!

Philippians 4:6-9 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

Top 10 Things To Completely Change Your life

Philippians 4:8 “And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” – NLT

1) THINK good things about yourself and others.

2) WRITE good things about yourself and others.

3) SAY good things about yourself and others.

4) BELIEVE good things about yourself and others.

5) WATCH things that are good, uplifting and encouraging.

6) LISTEN to things that are good, uplifting and encouraging.

7) READ things that are good.

8) DO things that are good.

9) PARTICIPATE in things that are good.

10) Be AROUND others who are engaged in GOOD THINGS.

*Excerpt from a message I preached on June 3, 2012 @ Mercy Church

When is it Right to Have Sex?

If there is ever a subject in church that receives lots of heated debate, it’s the topic of “sex before marriage.” When does a relationship meet the standards of a committed relationship? Is it ON the actual wedding day just after the ceremony? Or after you cut the cake? Or is it after the first dance? Or after rice, or birdseed is thrown on you? Is it on the engagement day? What about when you decide to move in together? We all want to know, because we want to have sex as soon as possible.  

What is a committed relationship, really?

I remember going to a youth camp as a kid, and they had brought in a special speaker specifically to address the “Love Waits” message of abstinence. I am ornery, always have been, and kept thinking I wanted to corner the speaker after his talk and ask, “So, did you wait till you were married?” I can guess with some certainty that he didn’t. Like most of us. Statistics alone prove this out. Now I am not saying that it makes it right because everybody is doing it, I’m just sayin.

So I guess the question is: When is it right to have sex?  

As I am typing I am thinking to myself, why in Heaven did I decide to blog on this topic?! Ha ha! I can give you the easy answer that most pastors give, and that is to say, “Just wait until you are married.” See how easy that was? But I think it could be a bit more complicated than that, honestly!

Now, let me be clear, I feel that to wait till the marriage day is God’s best way. I really do! I feel that having premarital sex can, and often does, muddy the water (complicate things) in a relationship. But here is what I feel is absolutely wrong, and I am not embarrassed or reluctant to say it, and that’s casual sex. Having sex with just anyone and everyone because you had one too many beers or because you are horny is not good. One night stands, multiple partners, and casual sex are all killers to you ever building a long-lasting, healthy relationship. And I think -- I’ve never read this anywhere but feel it is true -- that this is one of the causes of so many failed relationships. We don’t even know what it is to be committed anymore, I mean really committed … like till death do us part kind of committed.

Now I’m not stupid! I realize people are going to do what people do, and my little blog isn’t going to change the world’s sexual behavior, BUT it may just change YOU and at least get you to stop and think about how you are living and what you might need to change to have the relationship you’ve always wanted.

I personally believe a person isn’t even close to being ready for sex until they are ready for marriage. I mean we all thought we were ready when we were 16. But we weren’t! Then we thought we were ready in college, but we weren’t! Anyway, I know this puts a kink in many people’s lifestyle and they are now wondering, “So now what do I do?” Ha ha!

Bottom Line:

There are no easy answers, and it’s really tough to stay sexually pure! Trust me, I remember those days all-too-well. But here is my advice, wait to have sex until you have found that special person you are going to spend the rest of your life with. (FYI, typically that doesn’t happen until AFTER college! And it for sure isn’t happening in junior high or high school … I don’t care what the little punk tells you! He is an idiot!) I can promise you this, if you do this you will not regret it, but you will regret living like sex is no big deal, because it is a special gift that God gives to a couple committed to spending the rest of their lives together!

People Affirming Church

Ever since I did my now-famous sermon, God Loves Gays, I am frequently asked about my views on what kind of church Mercy Church is. I am asked by gays and straights alike, “So are you a gay-affirming church?” To be really honest, I don’t like that title because it’s so polarizing and exclusive sounding, at least to me it is. Almost like we only welcome gays in Mercy Church, or that gays are our primary target group. And that’s just not the case. 

Our church attempts to reach people far from God, and all types of people are far from God! Our church is very diverse. We have gays, straights, blacks, whites and Hispanics. We have rich and poor people. We have Republicans and Democrats. We have people who are single, married, divorced, young, old, moms, dads and college students. We have trendy people and those who are not so trendy. We have people with tattoos and piercings. We have lawyers, doctors and CEOs! We have sinner people at Mercy, all shapes and sizes, and I love it!

I call Mercy Church a People-Affirming Church with a God agenda! Plain and simple. That’s it! We feel compelled to love people right where they are while helping them grow to be whatever God wants them to be!

I can tell you one thing; it has taken me many years to free myself of the role as judge and jury over people. Wow, life is so much better when you don't have to try to be God to people, but simply be a person who points the way to God, and let people work out their own salvation. As I often say, there are going to be a lot more people in Heaven than most Christians think! And I will be glad I loved them here, because we will be together for a very long time ... like forever!

Who Goes to Heaven?

So, who does go to Heaven?

As a pastor, I am often asked questions like: Will homosexuals go to Heaven? Will adulterers go to Heaven? Will people who have been divorced go to Heaven (which would be “adulterers” according to Mark 1:1-12)? Will people who commit suicide go to Heaven? Will Democrats go to Heaven? (Okay, so I am not asked that last question, but you’d think I would the way many Christians have tried to make people believe that being a Christian is synonymous with being Republican … ridiculous!)   

First, I just gotta make it clear … I am not God (as if you didn’t know that already!) I do not have the power, or the knowledge, to stand in the place that only God Himself can stand … the place of final judge and decider of all things, a job fit for only God. Only He decides who goes to Heaven and who goes to Hell. I would assume He is FAR more gracious than we would ever be, or ever see our self being! Either way, it’s His call, not mine or any other little minister out there.

When people do ask me one of those questions, I always follow it with a question: “Do you believe in Jesus Christ?” And if they say, “yes” I say, “Then Yes, you are going to Heaven!” The ONLY sin that keeps someone out of Heaven, as I see it from the Bible and everything that Jesus said, is the sin of UNBELIEF! I do believe, and see in scripture, that what we believe should be evident in how we live, but aren't we all sinners trying to figure life out?

WHAT ABOUT THOSE WHO HAVE NEVER HEARD?

I have strong opinions about people who have never heard about the saving grace of God, or Jesus. I believe that God is a God of mercy, and He is just. I can not imagine a God who would condemn someone to eternal damnation if they never heard the Gospel of Jesus Christ. That, in my opinion, would be like punishing a child for touching something they didn't know they weren't to touch.   

Disclaimer: Obviously I write with a Biblical "Christian" bias ... this, in my opinion, is the ultimate truth. I do not think that everything Christians believe or proclaim to be truth, but I do believe in the one true God who sent His son Jesus Christ to die for the sins of man, and through the power of the Holy Spirit we can live a meaningful life.

Lost That Loving Feeling?

One of the biggest downfalls in a marriage is when one or both lose that loving feeling. It happens all the time, but it doesn’t have to. There is a fix.

Do you remember when you couldn't keep your hands off each other, and would even pull the car off the side of the road to a secluded area to “lay with one another” (to use a biblical phrase). Now we are in too much of a hurry, plus I don’t want to mess up my hair, or wrinkle my shirt. What about when you'd call each other a million times a day and it never bothered you to hear from each other. But now when they call you, you're like, "what is it … I’m trying to work here?" (Said in a very irritated tone) And remember how many hours you would spend playing tonsil hockey (kissing), it never got old, but now we say, “oh I had something with garlic in it for lunch, we better not.” Or, “oh wait, hang on, do you see that sore on the inside of my lip … is it inflamed?” Remember when we used to always be thinking of something special we could do for them, a sweet note, a special treat, a nice gift … now it’s only on Valentine’s Day we think of doing those things. You remember those days? When you just couldn’t wait to get off work or home from your trip to be together? Now, you purposely work late, and hope the picks you to take a sales call in Utah.

It’s no wonder marriages fail, and when I say fail, I don’t mean they always get divorced, sometimes people stay in stale failed marriages, and that just sucks! It doesn’t have to be that way.  A lot of couples are there though, and either figure this is what marriage is, or that there is no hope and no way out and as they exhale say, “I guess this is just my life.”

A PERSONAL STORY

Last year I lost all my loving feeling for exercising. I have been working out since I was in junior high school, and really before that if you count cycling, and sports. I have always loved it, and felt a great deal of passion towards it as well. I normally never had to pump myself up to go to the gym, I loved it, wanted it, desired it, did it. Then last year I had a couple small little pulled muscles that set me back, then I started back-slidding on my diet just a little, nothing major, but enough that I could feel it. After just a few months I started getting soft and things jiggled when I would jump up and down. I didn’t like myself, but this only further discouraged me from going to the gym. And it was easy to find excuses for not going to the gym, I mean good, even godly excuses (like I could be reading my Bible during that hour at the gym) to skip the gym.

Finally, I looked at myself and just didn’t like what I was seeing, and realized I had the power to change it; I just had to act in accordance with what I wanted. And what I wanted, and want is to be healthy and fit. So I committed to do what healthy fit people do, go to the gym and work out.

Now how does my exercise story relate to your marriage? In so many ways, trust me!

First, you must decide what you want; a great marriage. Then act according to that desire. What do people with great marriages do? How to they act? How do they live? Not only that, but ask yourself, what did you do back when you did have that loving feeling for your spouse that you are not doing now?

Remember how you chased each other around, and complimented each other nearly every five minutes. And now you maybe do it once every couple months, maybe not even that much. I know this can be a sore spot for many women, especially coming from a guy, but remember how you loved that he wanted you sexually all the time and you responded with that same desire and hunger. But now, he is lucky to get it once a week, if that and you’d rather not. What happened? And for the guy, dude come on, chase her like you did when you first met ... pursue her! Woo her once again!

Here is the key to a long-lasting passion-filled marriage – INVEST IN EACH OTHER EVERY SINGLE DAY! I heard someone who had lost that loving feeling say, “It’s too much work!” Duh, of course it’s work. Everything worth having in life takes work! You can’t even have a nice lawn without a bunch of hard work (even if it’s not you doing all the work … marriage is something you can’t hire out, sorry! You gotta do it yourself).  

Write this quote down and never forget it, “Do what you would do if you did have that passionate-loving-feeling!” Ask yourself, “What would I do if I did feel absolutely crazy in love with my spouse?” Then do it! The feelings will follow your actions, commitment and your heart.

Another thing regaining my passion for working out; I couldn’t keep putting it off till tomorrow. Tomorrow never ever comes! Do it today! Right now! Again, what would a passionate, loving spouse do right now for the person they love? Do it! Then do it every single day for the rest of your life! You won’t regret it!