Q&A BEFORE YOU SAY – “I DO!”

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o        Talk About Money

1. Am I a spender or saver – and what's my partner? Are we comfortable spending money on the same things (such as organic food), or do we argue about money on dates or vacations? Another important premarital question about money: Will we have joint or separate accounts, and who will pay the bills?

2. Are we in debt? What are our plans for getting out of debt, and do we have retirement goals? Have we taken a money management course for couples? Who's responsible for our financial investments?


o        Talk About Physical Intimacy

3. Have we discussed our sexual health? Do either of you have a STD, and are you taking measures to prevent it from spreading? Can you comfortably discuss your intimate body parts and functions? Here's a premarital question about body image: Does your weight or appearance affect your ability to be intimate – and can you be honest about that?

4. What do we know about our preferences for intimacy? Have you talked about the preferred time of day for intimacy, number of times per week (or day), place, lights on or off, length of contact, foreplay, or how adventurous you want to be?


o        Talk About Household Chores

5. Who cleans the bathroom, does the laundry, vacuums, and maintains the lawn/garden? Who cooks the meals and does the dishes? A good premarital question that's not often discussed: Who buys the groceries and maintains the car? What will your division of labor look like, especially if you have kids?

6. What are our pet peeves? Does it bother you if the toilet paper is on "upside down" or are you usually completely out altogether? Do you leave the cap off your toothbrush, the toilet seat up, or the fridge door open? A practical premarital question: Can you handle another person – even one you love – in "your space"?


o        Talk About Children

7. Have we, individually and as a couple, decided whether we want children? If so, have we considered how kids will affect our careers, lifestyle, recreation, privacy, social interests, money, and plans for the future? Figure this out before the wedding day.

8. What about infertility, unplanned pregnancies, or fostering or adopting? Premarital discussion that build a healthy marriage need to include honest discussions about having children.


o        Discuss Your Careers

9. Are we both professionally established? Should we both work full-time? Have we discussed whether one of us wants additional training, education, or experience? A typical premarital question: Can we afford changes in income, and does it mesh with our life goals as a married couple?

10. How do we deal with job stress? Are we grumpy or emotionally unavailable because we bring our work home – or work from home? Is our health affected by job stress? A practical premarital question is: Do we carry pagers or cell phones; if we have shift work does that impact our personal lives?


o        Talk About Religion

11. Are we both committed to a relationship with Christ? How important is Faith, Religion, Church, God, Spirituality? Will we attend church? What denomination? Will we give financially (tithe)? How involved will we be?

12. Will you be okay to have a spouse who is uninterested in faith? Would you go to church alone?

Marriage Works Best When ...

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... you give yourself 100% to your partner! It's really the only way. If your first concern is what you are going to get from someone, it's just the wrong thing to build a relationship on. Now, yes what you get from a relationship matters, but I believe that it's more important to think about what you are going to give! And what you should give is ALL OF YOURSELF!

There are all sorts of marriages; unhappy ones, dysfunctional ones, miserable ones, nutty ones, crazy ones, sad ones, but the one you and I want to be in is a happy one! It's not even about 'How many years you've been together' it's about being happy and fulfilled with each passing year. I want to be glad I am married, and glad I am married to who I am married to, don't you?

The opposite of what I am saying here is: Selfishness! And "selfishness" will destroy your relationship quicker than you can say, "help!"And it's easy for all of us to go there. It takes me a nanosecond! But no one likes a selfish-butt-head! But often we are that guy or that girl! 

Let me close with this thought: If your marriage is struggling even a little then I want you, starting today, to begin giving yourself 100% to your partner. Serve them, love them, give to them, be kind and generous in every way possible. Do it for 30 days and see what happens. The first 10 days they are going to think you have started using Crack, but after the 10 days when there is no signs of drug use they will respond.


I love the song All of Me by John Legend says it all! 

All of Me 
by John Legend

[Bridge:] 
Give me all of you 
Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts 
Risking it all, though it's hard 

[Chorus:] 
'Cause all of me Loves all of you 
Love your curves and all your edges 
All your perfect imperfections 
Give your all to me I'll give my all to you 
You're my end and my beginning 
Even when I lose I'm winning 
'Cause I give you all of me 
And you give me all of you I give you all of me 
And you give me all of you, oh

What Makes Marriage Work

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It seems that I hear of a marriage falling a part every day. It saddens me deeply, because it doesn't have to be this way ... you can make any marriage work. Now I realize that when trust has been violated, and hearts have been shattered, and vows have been broken it's tough. Really tough!

Why do I even care?

I care because I still believe in the institution of marriage, the sanctity of it. I love love! I am fascinated by love. It's powerful when two people can come together and commit to spend the rest of their lives with each other "till death do us part." And not to mention it is the best thing for kids for their parents to be together, of course not if the home is in utter shambles, but there isn't anything better for kids than to have both parents together forever AND happy. It's the way it should be. And when couple get divorced it wrecks havoc on the kids, and even extended family, friends, and society as a whole! Let's be honest, divorce sucks, big time!

Three Things That Make Marriage Work Well:

 Disclaimer: What I am about to say is completely dependent on BOTH husband and wife participating! Both must be ALL in, 100%, 100%! One person can't make a marriage work, it takes two. So if you find yourself in a marriage where one is all in and the other is not, it's going to be difficult if not impossible for there to be any awesome stuff accomplished. Now, if you are the one pulling for the marriage I encourage you to pray like crazy! God will give you direction and wisdom. 

 Also, no shame or judgment on those who have been divorced, or even those getting a divorce, poop happens! And it's a bummer. I am simply trying to help those who want help, or need a little punch in the arm to get them through a tough situation. 

First and most important ...

1) God

I'm not saying that in a trite arrogant stupid naive way! But when a couple is living a life for God, I mean really living a life after God then they will (should) want to be the Man (husband) or the Woman (wife) God wants them to be.

This means that a man who really loves God will do whatever he can to love and serve his wife and kids. He will be faithful to his wife and kids in every way. This doesn't mean he will do so perfectly and without stumbling along the way from time to time. But his heart is full-on devoted to his wife and kids. His family will be more important than his career, friends and hobbies. Because that is what a real man does!

Same goes for the woman, a woman who loves God will love, respect and serve her husband and kids! She will do whatever is needed to be the pillar of the home. Her husband will come before her friends, her career, or anything else. This is what a real woman does.

I believe God to be a critical facet in any relationship because IF you really really love God you will have a constant voice of *GOOD whispering in your ear encouraging you to love, to give, to cherish, to be faithful, to be strong, etc! It's that constant voice in your heart and mind to do what is right! Let's be honest here, we all need that! In much of society I feel a pull in the other direction! I feel society encouraging me to do whatever the heck I want to do! Basically encouraging me to only think of me, myself and mine. I believe "God" is a crucial aspect in having a happy, healthy long-lasting marriage.

*Hence the reason I encourage being a part of a church community! Not that going to church means you will never have marital issues, but you will have that constant voice of good in your ear, and a support group when and if you do ever face rough times. But I can say with complete certainty that your marriage will be better being a part of a church community than it would NOT being a part of a church community! I am absolutely certain of this.


2) Love Your Spouse

When you get married you give up only thinking of what you want. I don't think most people really get it. Marriage is a joy, a blessing, and full of freedom ... but its a freedom to be faithful, loving, self sacrificing.

When you get married you gain so much, but in gaining so much you do give up things to get what you gain. It's much like anything else in life, you give up some things to gain other things. You gain an income with a job, but you do give up some of your free time in order to work. And it's a fair trade. Same with marriage.

I've had people say to me, "well I deserve to be happy, and my spouse no longer makes me happy!" I laugh when I hear that because happiness is a choice, plain and simple. The sad part is that you are so weak in character and so deceived that you are "deciding" to love someone more than the person you are supposed to love most of all, your spouse. And it's all because you "feel" something. It's ridiculous.

When I have counseled couples recovering from an affair I often ask, "Can you see now that if you had invested all the time an energy in your marriage that you were investing in the 'other person' the grass would have been greener in your own yard rather than the neighbors yard?" 
3) Love Yourself

It is impossible to love someone else fully if you do not love yourself. Loving yourself is an important part of loving your spouse. And when I say, "Love Yourself" I am referring to so many things, i.e. loving your body, loving who you are, loving your life, loving your decisions, etc. etc. I have seen people sabotage their relationship all because they hate themselves. And when someone hates themselves that can not accept love from anyone else, and they definitely can't give love.

Shame is a relationship killer. Shame is different than guilt. Guilt is feeling bad for what you have done, shame is feeling bad about who you are. Guilt is, "I did bad and I feel guilty for it." Shame is, "I do bad, therefor I am bad."


THE GOOD NEWS

Here is the good news about all three of these, God, Love Your Spouse, and Love Yourself ... YOU CAN DO IT! No one is without hope. Anyone can begin doing these things today, right now. Your Marriage can be turned around, YOU can turn it around! Seriously!  It's never too late, in my opinion.

Another Disclaimer: Obviously there are situations that are irreversible, and it's so broken that the only thing you can do is move onward, I get that. I encourage people in those situations to let go of the guilt over the past. Move on! It does no good to roll around in the past should've, could've, would've land! It's over, so what you must do now is make yourself ready for what lies ahead for you.

I am often asked by people who have been divorced, "Can people change?" I assume they are thinking, "maybe if I had stayed longer it could've worked?" It's a mystery really. I believe on one hand that people can change, but the real question is not can they, but will they. And if I am honest, most people can, but won't. They are stuck in the patterns they have grown to love and cherish and they feel safe functioning a certain way, even at the expense of those around them. Make sense?

If you or someone you now needs some Relationship Coaching, please contact my office to set up an appointment, I'd love to help you! (913) 390-1200, or email jana@mercychurchkc.com. Thank you!





Compatibility Questions

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Let’s be honest, relationships can be tough! I've been married to the same woman since 1994, and though we’ve been blessed (fortunate) to have a really good relationship, there have still been those times it’s a lot of work. But I can say, from the heart of my bottom, it’s worth the effort!

When we meet someone we are attracted to, we can often forget to really make an effort to get to know them, like really know them. Our attraction (feelings, passion) to (for) them sometimes overshadows taking an honest look at our compatibility with each other. We essentially love the idea of them, what we think we know, based on feelings alone. Not that strongfeelings are wrong, I had and still have strong feelings towards my wife, but I also took a long hard look at how compatible we were before I made all those life-long commitments at the altar (she did as well). Because neither of us wanted to ever get divorced!

The questions below are not going to guarantee a life-long happy marriage, there are many factors to that happening, but they sure will help you to take a real look at just how compatible you are to this person you just love so much.

The LOVE that every relationship must have is the COMMITTED-love, which is based on a DECISION to love, forever! A FEELING-love will not carry you through. I will say this though, usually when there is the COMMITTED-LOVE, feelings follow! Because when your feelings are attacked, threatened, or tempted … your COMMITMENT pulls you through, in spite of what you are feeling.

oTalk About Money

1. Am I a spender or saver – and what's my partner?

Are we comfortable spending money on the same things (such as organic food), or do we argue about money on dates or vacations? Another important premarital question about money: Will we have joint or separate accounts, and who will pay the bills?

2. Are we in debt?

What are our plans for getting out of debt, and do we have retirement goals? Have we taken a money management course for couples? Who's responsible for our financial investments?

oTalk About Physical Intimacy

3. Have we discussed our sexual health?

Do either of you have a STD, and are you taking measures to prevent it from spreading? Can you comfortably discuss your intimate body parts and functions? Here's a premarital question about body image: Does your weight or appearance affect your ability to be intimate – and can you be honest about that?

4. What do we know about our preferences for intimacy?

Have you talked about the preferred time of day for intimacy, number of times per week (or day), place, lights on or off, length of contact, foreplay, or how adventurous you want to be?

oTalk About Household Chores

5. Who cleans the bathroom, does the laundry, vacuums, and maintains the lawn/garden?

Who cooks the meals and does the dishes? A good premarital question that's not often discussed: Who buys the groceries and maintains the car? What will your division of labor look like, especially if you have kids?

6. What are our pet peeves?

Does it bother you if the toilet paper is on "upside down" or are you usually completely out altogether? Do you leave the cap off your toothbrush, the toilet seat up, or the fridge door open? A practical premarital question: Can you handle another person – even one you love – in "your space"?

oTalk About Children

7. Have we, individually and as a couple, decided whether we want children?

If so, have we considered how kids will affect our careers, lifestyle, recreation, privacy, social interests, money, and plans for the future? Figure this out before the wedding day.

8. What about infertility, unplanned pregnancies, or fostering or adopting?

Premarital discussion that build a healthy marriage need to include honest discussions about having children.

oDiscuss Your Careers

9. Are we both professionally established?

Should we both work full-time? Have we discussed whether one of us wants additional training, education, or experience? A typical premarital question: Can we afford changes in income, and does it mesh with our life goals as a married couple?

10. How do we deal with job stress?

Are we grumpy or emotionally unavailable because we bring our work home – or work from home? Is our health affected by job stress? A practical premarital question is: Do we carry pagers or cell phones; if we have shift work does that impact our personal lives?

oTalk About Religion

11. Are we both committed to a relationship with Christ? How

important is Faith, Religion, Church, God, Spirituality? Will we attend church? What denomination? Will we give financially (tithe)? How involved will we be?

12. Will you be okay to have a spouse who is uninterested in faith?

Would you go to church alone?