Satisfying Sex

/

One of the most common complaints I hear from couples is that their sex life is lacking. Typically the guy feels that their not having enough sex. To be fair I have almost had as many women share the same sentiment.  And again, 'typically' the girl feels it's not as romantic or as passionate as she wished it was. So basically both are experiencing sexual frustration. Nearly every relationship will face sexual frustration at some point. It's normal. But not normal continue on that way for very long ... it's something you should work on to overcome.

There are many reasons for this, and there is no need to talk about all that. But what I feel is important to talk about is how to achieve satisfying sex in your relationship.

 THREE SIMPLE KEYS TO HAVING SATISFYING SEX

1) Have an open and honest conversation about your expectations, likes, dislikes, dreams, desires, and/or fantasies.

I am amazed at how many couples I talk to who have not had this conversation with their partner. I mean this is like the first step in having any satisfaction in any area of life really. Talk openly and honestly about it. Your partner can not read your mind and most likely will do what they like if you don't tell them what YOU like. It's essentially like learning your partner's 'sexual' love language.

And what happens is that secret fantasies and desires will lead to issues in the relationship if not discussed openly and honestly. It's not good to have secrets. And I can tell you as a guy who is coming up on my 22nd Wedding Anniversary ... you might not have had some fantasies (likes, dislikes, etc) early on, but you'll develop some. Again, like so many things in life that change and develop over time, so do your desires, tastes and interests. 

Your partner should know what you like, what you don't like, what you wish for, dream about, fantasies about. Why? So they can play a role in fulfilling those, if possible.

Obviously I am speaking within the normal zone of "fantasies" here. Some fantasies you may just have to live without. But most likely your fantasies fall within the "normal" and "moral" zone and can be fulfilled by your partner. But to live with those fantasies and not share is just not good at all. 

Honestly, if you do this first thing really really well, the other two should hopefully play out just fine!

2) You must be a willing participant.  

In a loving committed relationship there should always be a willingness to meet our partners needs. I mean isn't that a huge part of what we're in the relationship for anyway? To give to someone else, not just get something from them. It's a give and take deal. Mutually beneficial.   

3) Let down your guard.

We all have hangups about things. And most people have insecurities when it comes to sex. It's very normal. But again just because it's normal doesn't mean it's a good thing. We must let down our guard when dealing with sexual issues within our relationship. 

Here is what I am learning about relationships, and I do mean ALL of them ... the good, the bad and the ugly. And that is this, it does no good to hit a snag (like sexual tension) and jump ship to only find out that there will come a time in that relationship there will be sexual tension, and so on. Work hard on the one you are in, especially if you are married ... have the tough conversations, it will often lead to great joy and fulfillment. 

Thoughts? Questions?

For Private Questions? Email me: timmy@timmygibson.com 

 

What Men Want (1 of 2)

/
I have counseled hundreds of couples, and worked with hundreds of men over the years and I see a common thread to What Men Want from their partner. Not to mention I am a man and have been one for 45 years now ... I know what I want, and I have found that I am not all that different from the men I have met.

If you want to bring the best out of your man, then keep reading! (And don't you worry, I am working on What Women Want next) These are things that many times your man will not tell you for fear of rejection or ridicule, but I have no fear of that so I shall tell all.


Q: What Do Men Want From The Woman in Their Life?


1) Sexuality. (Please, do read on!)

I don't think women fully understand the depth of sexual pressure a man deals with, just as men don't fully understand the depth of emotional pressure a woman deals with.

      a. Sexual Responsiveness.
Men don't want their partner to give in to their advances out of a feeling of duty or obligation. They want you to respond in a positive way, even if it's a "no" at this time, be kind about it. Here are some things NOT to say in response to his sexual advances:

  • "Please stop touching me you perve!" (Even adding in the word 'please' doesn't help)
  • "Ewww, you are gross."
  • "Really, we just had sex a month ago and you need it again already."
  • "All you think about is sex, you should see a Doctor!"
I know for me, even if it's a "no" right now if I am told that, "later after the kids go to bed would work for intimacy" I am totally cool with that - it gives me something to look forward to. And sometimes the anticipation is exciting. But if it's a "no" with no promise of when, then men go to a dark place and think, 'if it's a no now, it may be a no tomorrow and the day after that, and the day after that ... it's never going to happen again.' I know, crazy, but this is where men go in their heads.



    b. Want Him. 
Men want to be wanted just like women; we want to be desired. I realize that what I am saying here isn't true for all relationships, I am speaking in general terms. I have heard of relationships where the woman is the one always wanting sex and the man is slacking. But in my practice this is not the normal. In most relationships the only time there is sex is when the man initiates. This is very sad.

Women say, "well he wants it more than me and I have no time to initiate, when I think of it, he already has initiated." This is an easy fix, get a head start on him with a note in his briefcase, or in his car about what you will do to him when he gets home. Here is the thing, this doesn't need to be something you feel like doing, you just do it. You can initiate sex even if you don't feel like it.

Men want to feel like you think he is handsome. I know in my marriage my wife does not make noises and sexy comments every time there is a movie trailer with Brad Pitt in it. And this is nothing I have ever asked her to not do. I am fairly secure in myself. But in all reality, duh, of course Brad Pitt is handsome, even straight guys want to marry him. My wife may say, "he is a cool dude" or something to that effect, but she actually compliments me like I was some hot famous movie star. I give her the same respect.

I have been around women (married women) and have heard them say stuff in the presence of their husband about other men, like a Brad Pitt, that I could not even believe. I even heard one wife say, "I'd leave you for him!" she then laughed like it was a joke. It wasn't funny. Some jokes are funny, until they aren't.


    c. Have Fun.
Men want to have fun in the bedroom. This doesn't mean that every single time needs to be a circus. But men are visual, so stimulate him visually - wear lingerie, outfits, etc. Light candles, have music playing, set the mood. (Guys you can help do this too! This isn't only the woman's job!)

Baseball games are won by base hits, not home runs usually. But a home run ever so many at bats sure is exhilarating. My rule of thumb is every month or so, do something really special. For example, lots of foreplay, or massages, stimulate in others ways beside just straight love making (I pray you know what I am trying to say without saying it here.)

To Be Continued ...

Don't worry ladies, men actually do want a few other things other than sex, but sex is a HUGE part of the makeup of a man. And many men wish they weren't wired so sexually, but we are. To me if there is a man in your life that you love, why wouldn't you want to do everything in your power to make him feel loved, respected, cared for and fulfilled sexually? I mean that only makes sense, right!


Disclaimer: I am speaking to people in a committed relationship (Marriage). I also realize that the stuff I am saying only really works if the man in your life is a pretty wonderful guy who is attentive to you and your needs. It's hard to give to someone who is a total jerk. I am sorry if that is the kind of marriage you are in! That stinks!

The Cure for Sexual Frustration

/
Much of my counseling does involve “sexual” issues. And one common one is the whole “sexual frustration” issue. How to relieve, or release or get relief from “sexual frustration?” I believe I have a really helpful tip that could save you and your partner from having too much sexual frustration. Let’s be honest, sexual frustration is frustrating!

1 VERY HELPFUL TIP TO HELP WITH SEXUAL FRUSTRATION

1) Communicate CLEARLY to your partner when you want sex! (Response of partner) Communicate CLEARLY when that request can be fulfilled.

Very important, if you are on the receiving end of this request, and you can’t or don’t want to have sex at that moment make sure to tell him/her WHEN they can expect to have sex.

From my personal experience; when I am hungry and have no idea when I am going to eat it causes more stress and anxiety and hunger. But if I know that I will be eating a meal at a certain time in the future it helps to calm me down. It’s the same with the sex life! If I want it, and feel I may never get it again (we know this isn't true logically, but typically the sex drive is emotional and can’t be dealt with logically,) it causes much distress! But if I know that tonight after the kids go to bed I will get it. I am fine. Make sense?

So wives, if your husband makes advances and it’s not a good time for you, no problem, just clearly communicate to him WHEN he can have it. Got it? Good! I promise this will be so helpful in relieving sexual frustration and tension between you and your partner.

Here’s the deal, when a man (or woman) get turned down on a sexual advance, it’s not only hurtful to be turned down, but if we don’t know WHEN it will happen it does cause a lot of undo stress emotionally. I don’t feel that in a marriage there should be much turning down, if ever (I am serious here!) But on those rare occasions when you are turning your partner down be thoughtful enough to say, “Not tonight, but tomorrow morning I’d like to!” And then make sure to be good on your promise! Don’t say tomorrow morning and then turn them down again, or forget. Trust me, they haven’t forgotten!

And finally, don’t ever make sexual promises that you can’t or won’t keep! Don’t promise (or tease) “such n such” then not do “such n such.”



Disclaimer: As a Christian Pastor and Relationship Coach I am making the assumption that the couples I am writing to are in a committed relationship (which I would typically say is defined by marriage) and I am not encouraging casual sexual behavior! I am completely against casual sex. I feel that it is very harmful emotionally and does not encourage a healthy happy relationship.  

A Threesome Will Save Your Marriage

/

I have single people saying to me all the time, “I am scared to get married because I don’t want to ever get divorced … what if it’s doesn’t work out? How can I know he/she is THE ONE?”

First, there are no guarantees in life or in love! When I married, at 25, I was also a little scared of divorce. Both my parents have been married multiple times, and I didn’t want that! My grandparents went through a divorce too! It’s very scary. I wanted my marriage to last “till death do us part!”

How can you really know? Can you really know? I mean really know, like for sure for sure!?

The straight up honest truth is that you can’t know for sure for sure because you can’t speak for another person, and that is what marriage is … a relationship between two people. And all you can do is make sure you are the person you are to be, and hopefully your partner will do the same!

Marriage is a step of faith! Believing that your heart and their heart will forever be intertwined to never part is what we all hope for … even pray for!  

Let me give you my thought on how to give yourself the best chance to have a forever marriage where divorce will never knock on your hearts door!

1)      Make sure to marry for the right reasons! For LOVE!

a.       Not because you’re pregnant!

b.      Not because you feel obligated!

c.       Not because you are tired of being alone.

d.      Not because there is no one else.

e.      Not for any reason other than, “You want to spend your life with this person!”

 

2)      Do not ever over-look red flags in the relationship.

a.       For example, if you are committed to things of faith, and he isn’t – red flag!

b.      He/she drinks a little too much – red flag

c.       He/she has been married multiple times – red flag

d.      He has had 6,000 jobs in the last 3 months – red flag

e.      He looks at porn, but says he’ll stop when we get married – red flag

f.        She loves to go out with her single friends every weekend – red flag

 

3)      Do not marry thinking you’ll change him/her – you won’t!

 

4)      If you are thinking, “well there is this one thing I hate about him/her” you better get that figured out BEFORE you walk the isle.

 

5)      Do you feel down deep in your gut that he/she is really right for you?

 

6)      Are you compatible?

a.       This is often overlooked because people say, “we’ll grow together over time” … and the truth is probably not!

b.      This means that you have similar interests, vision for life, plan, goals, etc! You both need to be headed in generally the same direction.

 

7)      Don’t settle.

a.       One main reason not to settle is that someday you will meet someone awesome, and since you settled with Joe Loser, now that you have met Joe Perfect, it’s going to be rough. (This of course does not justify leaving your spouse to run off with someone else, duh! I am just saying that if you are not completely sure that you are marrying the right person for you (if you settle), then the right one (or a more compatible person) may come along at another time and create difficulty. And you might be wishing you hadn’t settled.
       It would be like settling for a car that wasn't really the one you really really wanted, but you go ahead and buy it, then a few weeks later the car you really wanted comes along, and it's the same price ... this doesn't mean you will sell your car to run off and buy it, but it will make you wish you had waited for what you really really really wanted! Bottom line, don't settle! Marry because he/she is the right one for you!
      Side note: If he/she is the right one for you ... most everyone close to you will know it too!

FINAL THOUGHTS

Much of what I write is from my own marriage, as well as stories I have heard! I have had couples go through a nasty divorce and they report to me that they had settled! They knew the person wasn’t right for them, but they married them anyway thinking it would all just work out. Or that they were strong enough to just hold it together! Or that “God” would hold them together! Well here is the deal – ONE PERSON cannot hold it all together for very long! Maybe for a season here and there, but not long term! Marriage is a TEAM EFFORT! And of course I feel the perfect TEAM for a marriage is Me, my spouse and GOD! That’s the only kind of three-some I believe in! Ha ha! So there you go; A Threesome Will Save Your Marriage!

Why Pastors Have Affairs (2 of 3)

/
1)      Stay Close to Jesus.
 
To me this is the biggest and most critical thing in keeping yourself from an affair. Live as close to the one who is Holy! And this seems strange that I’d say this writing about “Pastors” but even we pastors can stray away from Jesus. Weird I know, but we can get so busy doing the work of the Lord and forget the LORD of the work. Your relationship with Jesus is the #1 most important thing in living a holy life!
 
2)      Work On Your Marriage
 
I speak on this all the time … but a good marriage takes work, so work hard on it. It doesn’t happen just because you walked an isle and said some, “I dos and I wills and I promise” it takes so much more than that. Do it! I highly recommend couples read at least a book a year on marriage, attend a marriage series at church or seminar or do a marriage retreat once a year. Anything you can do for “continuing education” on the subject of marriage!
 
3)      Work On Yourself
 
Spirit, soul and body! Take time for yourself. Make sure you are not wearing yourself out! Make sure you are getting rest, exercising, reading, taking time off, journaling, etc. Not only that, but if you have issues, which you do, work through them with a counselor, or close wise friend.
 
4)      Protect Yourself
 
You know what your boundaries are, come on! If you find someone at your work attractive you can’t go to lunch with them every day! Come on, you are smarter than that! “Oh but we work together!” So, why don’t you go to lunch with the weird ugly person? Be smart. Don’t put yourself in situations that could compromise all that you believe! Know and understand that we are ALL susceptible to the lures of an affair, and people who feel they are not, are MOST vulnerable! The Bible says that “pride comes before a fall.” Be humble, smart and make wise decisions!
 
5)      Have Real Accountability Partners
 
Having REAL accountability partners! Not suedo-accountability partners! Have people of the same sex that you are completely honest and vulnerable with about your every struggle, temptation, fear, dream, passion, etc.
 
6)      Don’t Look at Porn
 
I realize this one falls under “protect yourself” and “live close to Jesus” but I felt it needed to be a stand-alone. I truly believe Porn is poison. It is addictive. It is something most men struggle with, and all men are tempted with on a regular basis. The bottom line is that men are visual, and they want to see women naked. Again, it’s important to “protect yourself” however you need to keep you from looking at Porn. I use X3watch.com, I am sure there are others out there.

To Be Continued ... It's About You

Why Pastors Have Affairs (1 of 3)

/
I have been in ministry for 22 years and each year I hear reports of pastors having extramarital affairs. And over the last few years it’s been pastors I know personally, and some would be considered close friends. I just received a call the other day that another friend I’ve known for the last 10 years has fallen.
 
It breaks my heart each time I hear of another pastor falling into sexual sin. It’s disconcerting, sad, frustrating, disheartening, scary, confusing, disappointing and hurtful. I am not even sure all the emotions it raises in me … but primarily one of great sadness. And not only for the one who had the affair, but for all those affected; the people he pastored, the city he pastored in, his family, and of course the person he had the affair with. So many people affected in these scenarios. In recent years my family was affected by a good friend, who is (was) a pastor, who had an affair. It is absolutely devastating for everyone involved!  
 
To answer the QUESTION, “Why Do Pastors Have Affairs?” I would say that the simple answer is that Pastors have affairs for the very same reason any person has an affair. Pastors are no different than anyone else in the world, though they are viewed as someone who should be living a higher life. And frankly I do believe that this is something that should be considered by anyone looking to become a minister; can you live holy and be above approach? I understand this, for I am a pastor. Although people shouldn’t look at pastors any different than they do anyone else, but they do. It comes with the job. It’s called, “living in a glass house.”
 
Let’s unpack this a little here, shall we!
 
Reasons Pastors (people) Have Affairs
 
1)      The Marriage Relationship is Broken.
 
Every relationship has its issues, but if something in the relationship is broken there should be continuous effort given, by both parties, to resolve the issue.
 
2)      They are broken.
 
Every human being is broken on some level and capable of the greatest of evil. Just like in a relationship we should seek to resolve issues with each other, we also ought to resolve our own issues that reside deep within.
 
3)      Their spouse is broken.
 
Same as above.
 
4)      Opportunity.
 
This one surprises many people, because they will typically say, “I would never have an affair!” And that is just an ignorant statement that we’ve all made, even those who have had affairs have made that statement. We are all capable of having an affair, especially if given the right circumstances; opportunity. No one is exempt! We all must guard ourselves.
 
5)      Selfish & Immoral
 
Some people are just selfish and immoral and have affairs because they want to have affairs and have no moral compass keeping them from such activity. They do it because they want to do it. Most likely you cannot help these people, unless you can help them see that they are wrong.   
 
To Be Continued … Ways to Protect Yourself from Having an Affair