One of the biggest challenges in any relationship is speaking your partner's love language. If you have never heard of that before let me introduce you to a book that impacted my marriage in a significant way. But before I do that, let me just give you a little explanation on the subject of Love Language.
Okay, so the premise of the book, though it's been many years since I read it, is that we all have a primary love language and why this is important to know is because we feel LOVED MOST when someone is speaking OUR particular love language.
The 5 Love Languages
- Physical Touch
- Quality Time
- Acts of Service
- Words of Affirmation
- Receiving Gifts
We typically speak to our partner in our love language, but if that isn't their love language then they won't feel the love from it like we do when it is given to us. For example if your love language is "Receiving Gifts" than you won't feel as loved if I am giving you "Words of Affirmation." You will feel loved if I bring you a gift. Make sense?
This is how and why a couple can be in a pretty good relationship, but be lacking in feeling fulfilled and loved. Typically this is because the wrong love language is being spoken and your partner doesn't speak that language, so they do not understand or feel loved.
Find out what Language your partner speaks, speak it!
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. You can also take the test to verify your love language. Make sure to have your partner take the test too, then make sure you are speaking the right love language to them so they feel loved.
If you and/or your partner ever need to set up a session, just shoot me an email: firstname.lastname@example.org
I have people say to me all the time, "Hey if you meet a really great guy/gal keep me in mind!" Or, "Hey if you meet a winner make sure to hook me up!" Basically what they are asking is for me to be a "Matchmaker" and I love it. I love the idea so much I recently uploaded a short video on facebook requesting singles to send me their info and I'd help them meet some people.
I honestly had no expectations. Maybe I'd get one, maybe two people interested ... no, I had 30 people. Crazy awesome! I actually got so many that I am rethinking just how I am going to do this and keep track of it all.
So here is the deal: All those who submit themselves for my Matchmaking Service between now and Valentine's Day will get it FREE for (1) year, after Valentine's Day (February 14, 2016) there will be a nominal fee. (More on that later)
WHY HIRE A MATCHMAKER?
I've always thought it was a brilliant idea. It has nothing to do with me now offering it, but I really think the concept is fantastic! I have several reasons for this, and I have had these reasons confirmed as being helpful with singles I know.
1) As a Matchmaker I will be objective in the selection process, rather than emotional.
Why is this important? Simple, when you are emotional about the process you often will make poor decisions rather than making the right decision. For example, I have worked with many singles over the years who continue to date the wrong kind of person. Not because they are bad, or even the kind of person who normally makes poor choices. In fact this particular person I am thinking of now is very successful in her career, but she continues to make poor choices when it comes to dating. (I am sure many of you can relate!)
2) A Matchmaker can save you much heartache.
Again, like #1 a Matchmaker (I) will not pair you with someone that is not a fit. Let's say you are highly religious, and faith plays a huge role in your life. Well I will not "match" you with someone who is an atheist. Nor would I want to do that to an atheist. I would match him with another atheist, or someone who doesn't care about matters faith. Make sense? And this is hugely helpful because I can't tell you how many people have "falling with feelings for someone" and it only ended with heartache later because they weren't a good match. And I would have seen that when looking at matches.
3) Matchmaking is more than just matching you with someone.
I will be helping singles with all the facets of dating life. I will help people, if those who are willing to humble themselves and listen, with their style, personal development, their emotional state, their etiquette, and so on. Things that definitely make a difference when dating. Some people don't care about these things, and that is fine if you are looking for someone who also doesn't care about those things. But, if you care but just don't know or just haven't taken action, I will help.
4) Save time.
Many single people just don't have time to date. And as a Matchmaker I will be doing the searching for you which saves you time. Plus you won't have to go on 10 dates to only find out they aren't a fit. I will only connect you with someone I feel is a real candidate.
5) You are looking for true love.
I know some people are just looking to "hook up" ... well I am not in the hook up business. As a matter of fact not everyone who wants me to be their matchmaker will get me. If I feel that they are a douchebag than I won't have anything to do with them. I am only looking for quality people who are in search of love.
If you are interested, or know someone interesting in my Matchmaking Service, please email me, or have them email me before February 14, 2016 to get in for a FREE year!
It seems lately I am encountering singles in their mid to late 30's who are feeling frustrated when it comes to finding that special someone. And they ask me, "Will I ever find the right one?" Which is a fair question, I remember asking myself that question before I met and married Jana some 22 years ago (as of this writing).
It's difficult to say without meeting you personally to assess the "reasons" why you haven't met, or haven't secured that special someone. I mean I may meet you and know instantly by your grooming, or lack of. Etc. But let's be honest, we've all met people that didn't "groom" and maybe didn't even shower as often as they should and they met that special someone. Right?! So I think it goes a bit deeper than superficial exterior upkeep.
A good question to ask yourself is, "Am I ready to be in a committed relationship?" Sometimes I feel that people are so set in their ways and their routines are so entrenched that any other human would just mess up their ju ju (or whatever you call it). Because marriage is all about sacrifice. (Side Note: Watch the movie The Longest Ride. It's by Nicholas Sparks, same guy who wrote The Notebook.) And frankly some people just aren't willing to sacrifice. Now of course they want to find someone who would sacrifice for them, but they don't want to give up anything.
My personal belief is that too many people marry too young and also for the wrong reasons and this is one reason so many marriages don't make it past 5 years, and so many more fail before 10 years. Marriage is tough, even when you did marry the right one, and it's a healthy happy marriage.
Okay, so to answer the question: Will I ever meet the right one? Yes I believe you will. But it's going to take a few things I will share here ... pass this along to your single friends!
KEYS TO MEETING THE RIGHT ONE
1) Make yourself available.
I don't mean this in a sleazy way. As a matter of fact I am 100% opposed to living sleazy. And what I mean by sleazy is sleeping with people too early in the relationship. Now some will disagree with me here and that is fine, but sex just clouds your judgment of a person. Of course if it's consensual casual sex (which I still don't agree with) fine, you both know it's just a sex thing and we're not courting each other here ... just sex, whatever ... to each his own.
I think if you are single, and want to meet someone, then do just that ... make yourself available to meet people. Get out there. Yes, do the online deal, yes, go to single mingles, yes, go on that blind date. You never know how you'll meet Mr. or Miss. Right, don't limit your possibilities.
2) Be working on yourself.
I've said for years, "It's not about finding the right one, it's about being the right one". And I stand by that phrase! We all have baggage. Let's be honest here, but some more than others. Again, I don't know you personally, but maybe your baggage is "why" you aren't with the "right one". Maybe you are so messed up emotionally you mess it up?
Maybe you are sabotaging every great relationship that comes your way? I've met singles that I felt that was their problem. They either didn't let anyone in close, or when they did let them get close they freaked and pushed them away out of fear or getting hurt first. I know, it's weird, but people do this kind of shit all the time, it's amazing.
I recommend ready books to help you with your spiritual and emotional growth. I would even suggest seeing a counselor or coach to talk through some stuff. It is important to reflect on past relationships. Ask yourself why it didn't work. What did work? Where did it go wrong? What could you have done differently? What did you learn? How can it help you in the future?
3) Get in shape.
Nothing gives you more confidence when it comes to meeting others than feeling good about yourself. Opposite is true ... you feel crappy, you aren't going to feel confident in meeting other people.
I'm not saying you need to be a bodybuilder, but at least get in the gym 3 times a week, or play some sport, run, ride a bike, swim, something. Be active. No one is interested in dating someone who looks as though they may be dead in 6 months. (Well, unless you are extremely wealthy, then maybe! j/k!!)
4) Be cool.
No one is interested in dating a desperate person. Calm down, it will happen, but not if you are freaking out about every text that is delayed by 30 seconds. Come on, seriously.
5) Be yourself.
Now this may seem like, "duh I know that Timmy!" But I really believe in order for a person to really get to know me I must be me. Not who I think they want me to be. Make sense? If I portray the image of being an athlete yet I am only doing that to get their attention, not a good idea. Why? Because it's not you! So even if they like that you, they really don't like the real you and the real you is you so when they get to meet the real you it's not the you they liked. Get it?
It's really a matter of honesty. Being yourself is about being honest. And honesty is always the best policy.
I can hear someone say, "yeah but they won't like me if I'm honest about who I am." Well that's sad you feel that way, but the fact is that someone will like the real you. But again you do not want someone to fall in love with the fake you. You can't keep up the fake you very long. Plus it's too hard to live a lie. Now, if you are a mess and have some real issues and those issues are what you feel people won't like you for ... than #2 is for you! Work on yourself. And do the work to resolve those issues in your life. Don't allow them to ruin your life. You can change you know!
6) Believe it will happen for you.
Yes I believe in the power of belief! It's a powerful force that if you get it out there in the universe will go to work on your behalf to bring what you wish. Seems mystical, but it's really not at all mystical. It's just the way the universe is set up to work.
“Whatever we plant in our subconscious mind and nourish with repetition and emotion will one day become reality.” - Earl Nightingale
Take a deep breath, the right one is out there for you and just have faith and he/she will come to you. Really! Make sure you are ready for to meet them! Keep your eyes and ears open.
Much love to you!
Happy New Year!
A new year always brings that feeling of getting to start over, at least for me it does. It's time for a fresh start in so many of the areas I feel I may have fallen short 'last year.' And when I am reminded of my failures I often say, "Oh that was so last year!" And I move on. Hopefully to better and better things. You should to.
This brings me to 'A Relationship with Purpose' ... I woke up this morning and thought what is the magic in a relationship? I mean really?! What is it that makes some work and others fail. Way too many fail, we all know that. No one intends on being "that relationship" do we? No! We start with 'purpose' then we lose focus of the purpose of the relationship. This happens to us all. Even me.
We are all selfish by nature. It's just who we are, BUT we don't have to live from that nature. One of the most important purposes of every relationship is to make it about about we not me. When I walked the aisle and committed myself to Jana I gave up thinking only of myself as I had done for the last 25 years. It's now about us. And I had to think, what's good for her? And I have to confess here, I have failed so many times on this. I still struggle with being selfish. I hate it about myself. It's my struggle.
Another purpose in a relationship, if you have kids, is just that. Creating a happy healthy home for your children to thrive. Yes, I do believe that if marriages were happier and healthier this would lead to better home environments and produce better well adjusted children. Of course kids are going to do what they do no matter what (just like we did when we were kids) but we give them a much better shot in a happy home.
I know for my relationship there's a purpose of helping other couples. I must admit I sometimes feel it as a pressure, I shouldn't, but I do. It's also a challenge. I love challenges. And I consider being in a 21 year infidelity free happy marriage pretty awesome! In this day and age it's almost a bonafide miracle.
So, does your relationship have a purpose? Define it. Talk about it. Write it down. Commit to it. Live to fulfill it. Focus on it. Pray that God helps you stick to it. If you fall down, get back up and move towards it.
You can do it!
We've all heard it said, "we just grew apart!" So how do you grow together?
Like with anything in life that you want to go well you must give it attention! You must tend to it. Relationships are no different, you must be diligent in tending to the needs of your relationship (partner).
Here are a few simple things to help you continue to grow together rather than apart:
1) Regular Date Nights.
I am not surprised when I hear people say they grew apart when they never went on dates because they were too busy with their career, the kids, their friends, or their extended family. Make your marriage your priority! Not anything else.
There is no excuse that is acceptable here. There is no justification, none! It doesn't matter what it is, you absolutely MUST make time for each other. "But Timmy, our kids are small ... bla bla bla." And? "We don't have the money for a babysitter." And? "Our kids freak out when we are away." And? Seriously, there isn't anything you can say to make it okay to not spend alone time with your partner.
Babysitting Tip: Find another couple with kids and do a trade off; one week they watch all the kids, the next week you watch all the kids for them. Etc. This is what we did when we had $2.34 to our name back in our early 20's. You do what you gotta do.
2) Daily talk time.
Everyday taking even a few minutes to run through the day with each other. Making sure to ask questions like: What did you do today? Who did you meet? What were they like? What did you learn today? Anything super exciting? Anything new? Anything weird? Anything funny? Anything I can do?
It's important to really engage with your partner here. Ask questions, speak freely.
3) Make sure to have sex.
The guys are like, "See honey, Timmy said ... !" ha ha! On a serious note, sex is not everything I realize that, BUT it is the ultimate act of intimacy. And it's fun. It relieves stress, it's good exercise, it's good for your health ... on and on the research shows! It's amazing! I know I love it. It's one of my all time favorite things that just doesn't get old. It's like the first time every time but with more experience.
I believe that sex is usually an outflow of a healthy relationship. Actually I know it is. Happy healthy couples are having sex, and typically lots of it. I coach many couples, and when they come to my office and they aren't happy, they aren't having lots of sex, sometimes aren't having any sex at all. I can hear someone saying, "we're happy and we don't have sex very often." I bet you a million dollars if I ask your partner they'll see it differently, don't lie to yourself!
A happy healthy relationship is ONLY when BOTH the people in the relationship are feeling fulfilled, happy, and healthy.
*Definition: Lots of sex - I get asked all the time, "How much sex should we be having?" That's easy, ask your partner. And allow them to be brutally honest with their answer. The husband might think once a month is enough, but you ask his wife and she wants it three times a week. We have a discrepancy. There needs to be a coming together to come up with what works for both in the relationship. Maybe they land on twice a week? Or once a week? Whatever makes each person feel loved and cared for ... met needs.
Here is my philosophy: In a committed relationship neither partner should be starving. Not starving for affection, not starving for intimacy, not starving for sex, not starving for attention, not starving for loving touches, not starving for compliments!