Satisfying Sex

One of the most common complaints I hear from couples is that their sex life is lacking. Typically the guy feels that their not having enough sex. To be fair I have almost had as many women share the same sentiment.  And again, 'typically' the girl feels it's not as romantic or as passionate as she wished it was. So basically both are experiencing sexual frustration. Nearly every relationship will face sexual frustration at some point. It's normal. But not normal continue on that way for very long ... it's something you should work on to overcome.

There are many reasons for this, and there is no need to talk about all that. But what I feel is important to talk about is how to achieve satisfying sex in your relationship.

 THREE SIMPLE KEYS TO HAVING SATISFYING SEX

1) Have an open and honest conversation about your expectations, likes, dislikes, dreams, desires, and/or fantasies.

I am amazed at how many couples I talk to who have not had this conversation with their partner. I mean this is like the first step in having any satisfaction in any area of life really. Talk openly and honestly about it. Your partner can not read your mind and most likely will do what they like if you don't tell them what YOU like. It's essentially like learning your partner's 'sexual' love language.

And what happens is that secret fantasies and desires will lead to issues in the relationship if not discussed openly and honestly. It's not good to have secrets. And I can tell you as a guy who is coming up on my 22nd Wedding Anniversary ... you might not have had some fantasies (likes, dislikes, etc) early on, but you'll develop some. Again, like so many things in life that change and develop over time, so do your desires, tastes and interests. 

Your partner should know what you like, what you don't like, what you wish for, dream about, fantasies about. Why? So they can play a role in fulfilling those, if possible.

Obviously I am speaking within the normal zone of "fantasies" here. Some fantasies you may just have to live without. But most likely your fantasies fall within the "normal" and "moral" zone and can be fulfilled by your partner. But to live with those fantasies and not share is just not good at all. 

Honestly, if you do this first thing really really well, the other two should hopefully play out just fine!

2) You must be a willing participant.  

In a loving committed relationship there should always be a willingness to meet our partners needs. I mean isn't that a huge part of what we're in the relationship for anyway? To give to someone else, not just get something from them. It's a give and take deal. Mutually beneficial.   

3) Let down your guard.

We all have hangups about things. And most people have insecurities when it comes to sex. It's very normal. But again just because it's normal doesn't mean it's a good thing. We must let down our guard when dealing with sexual issues within our relationship. 

Here is what I am learning about relationships, and I do mean ALL of them ... the good, the bad and the ugly. And that is this, it does no good to hit a snag (like sexual tension) and jump ship to only find out that there will come a time in that relationship there will be sexual tension, and so on. Work hard on the one you are in, especially if you are married ... have the tough conversations, it will often lead to great joy and fulfillment. 

Thoughts? Questions?

For Private Questions? Email me: timmy@timmygibson.com 

Always Come to a Resolve

Everyone fights. Even couples who are happy and have a healthy relationship. Frankly, if you don't fight with your partner that could be a warning sign that you are not communicating openly and honestly with each other.

I'll never forget a couple I had met a few years back who boasted, "We never fight." I ran into the wife at the mall the other day, and I guess I should say, "X-Wife" because they got divorced. And she admitted, "We didn't communicate!"

Fighting isn't a bad sign at all! Now, obviously HOW we fight makes a huge difference. I am not saying we should be throwing punches, or cursing at each other when we are fighting. But having a heated discussion is completely normal and even encouraged. You can't sweep stuff under the rug. Pull away the rug, dig deep and share openly and honestly. Get to the bottom of every issue. 

Okay, let me get to the main point here ... so you fight, we all do. The important thing is that you come to a RESOLVE! You must always come to a resolve. Always! If you do not, then it's just like getting a splinter and not ever getting the splinter out. It stays in there and can be a constant irritating little booger, if not worse get infected. 

HOW TO COME TO A RESOLVE?

Now this can be more challenging. We each have such different personalities, you must figure out what works for each of you as a couple. Let's say you, or your partner does not like to be wrong, ever. Ha ha! Then that means you feel you are right and unless your partner agrees with you, or you get your way then it's not resolved ... and that won't work! 

To come to a resolve there must be wiggle room (give and take) for both you and your partner. I want five kids, you say two kids ... so we land on three kids. Make sense? See how that works?

When discussing an issue (fighting) make sure to be open, honest and vulnerable. Speak from the heart. Do not hold anything back. Now, you may not want to blast your partner with too much at once, BUT it is important to give that last 10%. I can not stress enough the importance of complete honesty! No secrets! 

I wrote a lot of stuff here that was unnecessary really, ha ha ... but remember this one thing: When discussing an issue (fighting) make sure to always come to a resolve. Maybe you are wondering what a resolve is?  

re·solve
rəˈzälv/
verb
1.
settle or find a solution to (a problem, dispute, or contentious matter).

Coming to a Resolve doesn't mean you GET YOUR WAY and the other person gives in to your persuasion! It means you both feel good with the decision. As Stephen Covey has said, "Must come to a WIN WIN solution!" No one wins if one loses!

Thoughts? 

Timmy's 25 Must See Romantic Movie List

I love Romantic Movies. I am a sucker for a great love story. I haven't seen every Romantic Movie out there, but I have seen my fair share. Here are my top 25 picks, not necessarily in order of how much I liked them.

1) Age of Adaline.

2) Up.

3) Just Like Heaven.

4) Safe Haven.

5) Notebook.

6) The Vow.

7) Sabrina.

8) Timeline.

9) PS I Love You.

10) Time Traveler's Wife

11) Return to Me.

12) Shallow Hal.

13) My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

14) Beauty and the Beast.

15) Cinderella. (2015)

16) Kate and Leopold. 

17) Leap Year.

18) About Time.

19) Liar Liar.

20) Serendipity.

21) The Family Man.

22) Sweet Home Alabama.

23) The Wedding Planner.

24) A Walk to Remember.

25) French Kiss.

What about you, what are some of your favorite Romantic Movies?

Forget Me Not

It's quite possible you are feeling 'forgotten' in your relationship, and if not maybe you are the one who has forgotten, and it's your partner who feels 'forgotten'. Either way it happens to all of us. 

I think we all feel like we worked so hard to get someone to fall in love with us that once we've gotten them to love us, we're done. We've conquered, we've won, we've captured, we've "hunted and killed" as they say. But what we did to get our partner is typically what we need to do to keep them. It's not over once you walk the aisle. It's only just begun! 

Too many times we assume our partner knows how much we love them. We think, "I told you I loved you on our wedding day, surely that's enough, right!? " Ha ha! And if I can trail off here for a second and say, it's no wonder she isn't as interested in sex anymore... you aren't paying as much attention to her, she feels forgotten.  When you first met you were doing it "like rabbits," but of course you were calling her 20 times a day, doing special things, saying special things, etc. Just sayin! I would imagine if you started doing all the things you did when you first met maybe you'd find everything would go back to those early days.

No one wants to feel forgotten in a relationship. And frankly no one even wants to even feel 2nd place. We want to be 1st place. We want to be #1. And when we're not, troubles are likely ahead, so it's important to correct it fast.

A Few Simple Things To Let Them Know You Haven't Forgotten Them

1) Use Your Words.

2) Notes, Cards.

3) Small Gifts.

4) What Do They Like To Do? Take them to do that!

5) Small Get-Getaways.

6) Get Creative ... put some thought into it.

Make and take time for each other! You'll be so glad you did! 

Just Let It Happen

I remember back when I was single and I wanted to be married so bad. I was on the search for that special someone. I was going on two and three dates a week, frantically looking for love. And it wasn't until I just let it happen that it finally did happen ... now 22 years ago! I don't feel that old! Ha ha!

So this blog is for those of you in the "dating" phase of life! Listen up, this will help you in so many ways. Frankly it could save you from marrying the wrong person and being miserable and one day getting divorced! Yeah, for realz!

Calm the freak down! Don't be desperate. Have faith that the right person is out there and you don't need to go crazy to find them, they will come to you! I promise! Of course, if you live under a rock then maybe we should figure something else out. I am a firm believer that God (or whatever it is you believe in: the stars, the planet, mother earth, etc) will bring you together. The most important thing is that you are working on yourself! 

I believe that spending energy on being the best version of yourself is way more important than the energy you would spend in desperate search of the "right" person. Then when you meet that person, relax just let it happen. 

One of the worst things I've seen people do when they meet someone they really like is live out of fear of losing them rather than thankfulness for having met them. (that is a twittable quote right there!) And when you live out of fear you do things you wouldn't normally do, you say things you wouldn't normally say, you act in a way that's no longer attractive. Does this make sense? 

I've done it, you've done it ... acted almost neurotic? You even have said to yourself, "what am I doing ... I am losing myself here! Why am I doing this?" I recently told a single person I was coaching, "Live out of love, live out of faith, live out of compassion, live out of peace, live out of joy and then you will be so attractive and desireable."  Plus, it's important to be the person you are normally so you don't attract someone who likes the crazy version of you when that's not really you. Make sense? You want to make sure they are falling in love with the right person, who you really are, not the nutty version of you. 

It's important to not be bringing undue stress into the relationship, you want to be bringing love, joy and peace into the relationship. Relationships are stressful enough, it's not helpful when you add to it because we are living out of fear rather than thankfulness! 

Let me know your thoughts! Please comments!

The Right Time to Have Sex

I was recently asked to be on live TV on a panel of men to answer questions submitted by women. One of the questions asked was, "When is it right to start having sex in a relationship?" That is a fair question, and I am sure I am going to upset the hyper conservative religious crowd as well as the hyper non-religious liberal crowd. So read on to be upset. Ha ha! Of course you, just like me, have opinions on most things and this is just my opinion based on what I understand about love, relationships and sex.

My, live on TV, answer was basically that, "we should wait until we are in a committed relationship... we should wait until we are in-love to make love." Now, on one hand my religious upbringing screams at me that we should wait until we are married to have sex. And that was kind of what I was saying by a "committed relationship." And maybe being a virgin and marrying a virgin on the wedding day is the ideal, a goal to shoot for, or what we might call 'God's best' but let's just be real here - how realistic is this? That was indeed my goal... but I failed as a teenager, and I lived with a lot of guilt and shame over it. I'm not sure that was all that helpful either. 

There are so many things we could talk about here, but I do not want to dig a hole so deep that we all fall in and get trapped. If you are a Christian, like me, you do want to live a God-honoring life, especially sexually. And it's a difficult thing to get a perfectly clear answer from the Bible, at least to me, when I look at the entire Bible there are some interesting things in there. I mean many of the great men in the Bible had many wives, can't relate to that... though if I am honest I think it would be awesome (hey, don't judge!). And many couples in Bible times were getting married very very young ... like 14, 15, 16 years old. Anyway, all that to say it's a bit more convoluted than what some religious people like to think, in my humble opinion. (And yes I am okay knowing that my teenage children will read this!)

So, why do I feel it's important to wait til you are at least "in love" before you "make love"? I'm glad you asked. Ha ha! Before I answer that let me say, I am human and trust me I had many encounters in high school and college that didn't involve being "in love" ... and not all those encounters were bad. Some were very special and I have fond memories from them, so I get it. (I know, I know you religious people are saying to yourself ... "it was sin Timmy, sin!" To you I would say be careful before you go throwing stones, "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean!" - Jesus

Okay, so why wait? To me it's about valuing myself. It's not just about sex, it's so much more than that. To me sex is a very precious, even sacred, thing. It's a gift to couples. To me it's a gift that we give our partner. And to just share that gift with anyone that comes along, in my opinion cheapens it, again in my opinion. It just doesn't seem as special to meet that special someone and fall in love and give them something you've already given freely to many others. 

I was not a virgin when I got married, and while I do not regret every encounter, I do regret those that were not made while in a loving committed relationship. I am sure it's a bit strange hearing this from a guy, I know that most guys relish in the number of sexual escapades, but to me sex is an expression of love, or should be. So, that said we should be making love when we are in love.

Disclaimer: Please know that I do not judge anyone here... trust me, I have no room to judge anyone! Ever! I am sure many of you see it different than me, and that is totally okay! I would like to hear from you, if you are brave enough to share openly here as I have! Please, make a comment! 

Love at First Sight

I absolutely believe in love at first sight! But 'Love at First Sight' doesn't mean that it's meant to be or that it will be a trouble free fairytale relationship. A happy relationship is built not born.

So what is "Love at First Sight." I believe it to be more than just an attraction. If you are out in public or around a lot of people you're going to experience an "attraction," it's pretty common, and totally normal. 'Love at First Sight' is something a bit deeper I feel. It's an attraction yes, but there's a connection or some pull to someone that happens on a deeper level. This still, in my opinion, doesn't mean this is "the one" you should marry. 

You walk into a store and catch someone's eye and they catch yours and there seems to be some magic between you, it's the element that all great romantic movies have in them. At least for me. I love magic, love, romance, butterflies, fairy dust, unicorns and flowers! (I know, weird, but it's just me ... and I've always been this way!)

The key to having a wonderful relationship is the magic we invest in our partner each and everyday ... along with the magic we invest in ourselves! If you want a magical fairytale relationship, then create it! Make it magical! 

I think there have been way too many "Love at First Sight" couples who got divorced and were disillusioned that the 'love' or 'magic' wore off. And sadly no longer believe in love and magic and forever. Of course the love and magic wore off! Nothing in life stays new forever! If you buy a car you must wash it, wax it, change the oil, vacuum, etc. It doesn't stay new, look new, feel new, smell new without some work. It's the same with relationships ... make the investment! 

But He Said He Would Change

I better say this first; YES, people can change but ...

This particular blog post is geared for people who are in the dating scene and are faced with a prospective "partner" decision. Here is what I ask singles all the time, "If the person you are dating were to be exactly like they are right now forever would you still marry them?" There's your answer on, "Should I marry this person?" It's naïve to think you are going to change someone.

I highly recommend that people never marry someone based on who they think they will become! Marry them based on who they are currently. (You could stop reading now and have the info you need!) I realize that if you are marrying someone right out of high school or college they are still growing in so many areas of life that they may change some, even a lot ... we all do. This is why it's usually a good idea to wait to be married until after college. Who someone is as a person for the most part will be who they will always be. Make sense? I know it's easy to believe the lies, "I promise to change!" Or to feel that you can change them. But you can't! They can only change if and when they are willing to change themselves. (And as a Christian I would add: They can only change when they are ready to allow God to work in their heart!)

Can people change? That's the question of the day, isn't it. I mean we all have people in our lives that need to change, and that we are hoping will change. And many times they themselves even know they need to change and want to change. But will they? Do they? Will they do what is necessary to change? Sometimes, but not always.  

As a person who believes in people and the power of transformation ... especially when God is involved, I want to believe that people can change, but will they?

Let me clarify here; I do believe that people can change! But to marry someone with the hope or expectation of them changing is not a good idea.

What has been your experience with this?  

"I'm Just Not The Affectionate Type"

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD SOMEONE SAY THIS, "WELL I'M JUST NOT THE AFFECTIONATE TYPE"? TO THAT I WOULD SAY THAT MAYBE YOU'RE NOT THE "CLEAN TYPE," BUT YOU'VE LEARNED TO TAKE SHOWERS, BRUSH YOUR TEETH, AND COMB YOUR HAIR, ETC. AFFECTION CAN BE LEARNED AND GIVEN EVEN IF "YOU'RE NOT THE AFFECTIONATE TYPE."

IN MY OPINION IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER WHAT "TYPE" OF PERSON YOU ARE, YOU CAN AND SHOULD GIVE YOUR PARTNER WHAT THEY WANT AND NEED FROM YOU! IT'S CONFUSING TO ME WHEN I COUNSEL A COUPLE AND ONE IS ASKING FOR SOMETHING REASONABLE FROM THEIR PARTNER AND HE/SHE IS UNWILLING TO GIVE IT TO THEM. 

WHEN A WIFE SAYS TO HER HUSBAND, "I WISH YOU'D HOLD MY HAND." AND HE CONTINUES TO NOT DO THIS SIMPLE TASK OF HOLDING HER HAND, EVEN THOUGH IT WOULD MEAN SO MUCH TO HER IS BAFFLING. SAME GOES FOR A HUSBAND WHO IS SWEET AND WISHES TO HAVE MORE PHYSICAL INTIMACY AND COMMUNICATES THIS TO HIS WIFE AND SHE CONTINUES TO BE TOO BUSY, HAVE WAY TOO MANY HEADACHES, AND OTHER EXCUSES. I WALK AWAY THINKING TO MYSELF, WHY IN THE WORLD DID THEY EVEN GET MARRIED IF THEY ARE NOT GOING TO DO EVERYTHING THAT CAN TO FULFILL THEIR PARTNER'S REASONABLE AND REALISTIC NEEDS AND DESIRES. 

SO IF YOU THINK YOU'RE NOT THE "AFFECTIONATE" TYPE, I UNDERSTAND THAT AND GET THAT IT MAY NOT COME NATURALLY TO YOU. MOST LIKELY YOU GREW UP IN A NOT-SO-AFFECTIONATE HOME, AND IT IS WHAT IT IS. BUT YOU CAN LEARN TO BE MORE AFFECTIONATE. ESPECIALLY IF THOSE AROUND YOU DESIRE IT. 

I GREW UP IN A VERY AFFECTIONATE HOME, I DIDN'T SAY "OVERLY AFFECTIONATE" FAMILY LIKE ON SNL, HA HA! BUT WE HUGGED, KISSED, AND GAVE VERBAL AFFIRMATIONS ALL DAY EVERYDAY AND I AM THANKFUL FOR IT. I WILL HUG, KISS AND SAY , "I LOVE YOU!" TO MY KIDS WHO ARE NOW TEEANGERS! AND THEY APPRECIATE IT. 

NOW MAYBE YOUR PARTNER HAS USED THIS EXCUSE FOR WHY HE/SHE DOESN'T SHOW AFFECTION? IF SO, LET THEM READ THIS BLOG POST AND BEGIN TO CHANGE AND BECOME MORE AFFECTIONATE! BUT I WOULD SAY, BE SYMPATHETIC TO THEIR STRUGGLE. IF THEY DIDN'T GROW UP IN A HOME THAT WAS AFFECTIONATE IT CAN TRULY BE FOREIGN TO THEM. IT WOULD ALMOST BE LIKE BEING EXPECTED TO SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE WITHOUT TRAINING. IT MAY TAKE TIME, BE SWEET, AND CONTINUE TO BE AFFECTIONATE AND COMMUNICATE. THEY'LL COME ALONG, HOPEFULLY!  

Jealous Much

adjective
1.
inclined to or troubled by suspicions or fears of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims: a jealous husband.

Jealousy can drive you crazy! And it can drive the person on the other end of that jealousy crazy too! There are different kinds of jealousy, but specifically the one I am tackling today is the kind defined above that stems from a lack of trust for your partner.

Now, we all deal with jealousy on some level, it comes from our own insecurities. We don't feel good enough, so when someone we feel is 'better than us' comes around it stirs up our insecurities and jealousy is often what manifests. Of course inappropriate behavior can also create a little jealousy in someone as well. All that aside I want to speak to the one who struggles with jealousy towards their partner.

Let me start with a story about me. I was a jealous person early on in my relationship with my wife Jana, now in our 22nd year of marriage. I was jealous even when guys would look at her. And I really would be bothered if she spoke to other guys. I know, immature! I know that now. But nonetheless it was real to me. And it had a very negative effect on our relationship. Jana of course disliked it very much, and frankly it was bothersome to me too. I just didn't know how to overcome it.

What you can do to overcome jealousy in your relationship

1) Admit you have a jealousy problem.

2) Prayed for God's help to overcome it.

3) Say outloud, "I am a secure trusting person!" everyday.

4) Act opposite from what your jealous feelings tell you.

What I mean is that when you feel jealous and wanted to say something, or do something that reflects that jealousy withframe. And do the very thing you would do if you weren't jealous.

It has taken me more years than I wish to admit but I am understanding more and more that freedom is an environment that love can really really grow!

Bottomline

I am Jana's, and she is mine ... I trust that is true and I trust her. If she was to act in such a way that would prove otherwise than we'd deal with that, but until then I trust. And there is no point in being jealous of anyone else, I couldn't stop her if she wanted to leave anyway. And if our relationship is so fragile that if she was to talk to someone better looking, taller, better fit, with more money and she wanted to leave ... do I really want someone like that anyway? No I don't. Does this make sense?

Thoughts & Comments are welcome!