Hanky Panky Reflections

I am looking back on the last 28 days, which was The Hanky Panky Challenge, and I am glad we not only issue the challenge to couples each year but also take the challenge. And it truly is a challenge, only people who haven't taken it would disagree ... who cares what they think, they don't know. Ha ha!

The Hanky Panky Challenge is so much more than just "sex," though that is what many think it is or want it to be, but it's more about Companionship, Connection, Intimacy, and ultimately about creating a more passionate relationship with your partner. I am a firm believer that LOVE is not a feeling (I almost added the word "just" before the "a feeling," but I couldn't because love is not a feeling, even though feelings are involved in love) love is so much more than that. Now, love creates a lot of strong feelings, absolutely! I have many great "feelings" about my spouse and for my spouse, but that is only a small part of the relationship we have, and I personally believe that the "feelings" we feel about and for one another is a result of our commitment to love each other.

In my line of work (Pastor/Teacher/Counselor) I encounter couple after couple who have, "lost that loving feeling" and they do not know what to do (I truly do sympathize,) and many times they walk away to look for that loving feeling with someone else. That is so heartbreaking, and so shallow. Now there are reasons people get divorced that are totally legitimate, but many are not, let's just be honest. Some of the things I've heard categorized as "irreconcilable differences" are lame. I believe that most things are reconcilable, especially with God's help. 

DISCLAIMER: I am not judging those who have been through a divorce! I have many wonderful friends who have gone through a divorce, and I was there to walk them through it. Divorce sucks, it hurts and it's no fun! Do not allow the things I am saying here to stir up guilt and condemnation in you over what is done and over with  This blog entry is for those who are currently married that I am trying to encourage to make their marriage work.

Happily Ever After

This June Jana and I will celebrate 17 years together. And though our marriage is not perfect, we are passionately in-love with one another and find much fulfillment from our relationship. It's not always been easy, I can be difficult to live with sometimes, I know - a shocker! Ha ha! But I have been asked what is the key to a happy fulfilling relationship, and I can't say it's one thing, rather I think it's several little things but there is a big one. I think the biggy is being more concerned with GIVING then you are about GETTING!

Relationship Series - Pt 3

Romans 14:19
 
“Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.”

FIGHT RULES

1) Focus on the PRESENT.

  DON’T: Dig up past grievances/sins.

2) Focus on partner’s actions and how those make you FEEL.

 DON’T: Criticize your partner’s personality or character.

3) Pick a good TIME to talk.

 DON’T: Complain at times when your partner is distracted by pressing matters such as a deadline or caring for small children.

4) Tell your partner about your NEEDS and DESIRES .

 DON’T: Expect your partner to mind-read, to guess your needs and desires.

 

HEALTHY WAYS TO RESPOND

 1) Ask QUESTIONS for better understanding.

 DON’T: Belittle or criticize your partner for complaining.

2) Acknowledge the LONGING behind your partner’s complaint.

 DON’T: Defend yourself.

 3) Take RESPONSIBILITY for the problem.

 DON’T: Deny responsibility or flip it or spin it back on your partner.

 4) Don’t TAP out.

               DON'T: Quit.

Relationship Series - pt 2

Romans 14:19 “Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.”


I. COMMUNICATION 101

1) Tell your partner what you need, even if it’s DIFFICULT.

2) SHARE your feelings as they come up.

3) Postpone problem solving until AFTER you feel connected.

4) Complain without CRITICIZING.

5) Look for the LONGING in each other’s complaints.


II. POSITIVE COMMUNICATION PRACTICES or HEALTHY WAYS TO COMPLAIN.


1) Share RESPONSIBILITY for the problem.

         DON'T: Blame the problem on the other person.

2) Describe the PROBLEM in terms of your perception, opinion or style.

         DON'T: Describe the problem as a matter of absolute truth.

3) Focus on specific problem, tackling ONE at a time.

         DON'T: Stockpile complaints.

WATCH VIDEO HERE: http://mercychurchkc.com/media/index.php

*Material taken from Dr. John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Relationship Series - pt 1

 

James 1:25 “ … if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it.”

 

RATE YOUR RELATIONSHIP ... 1 being really bad, and 10 being really good.

1. What are the issues stopping it from being a 10?
2. What are some things that I could do right now to improve the relationship?
3. What are some things I should stop doing to improve the relationship?   
4. How have I contributed to the issues we are having?
5. How am I keeping it from being a 10?

• Happily married couples behave like good FRIENDS. 

• Happily married couples handle their conflicts in GENTLE, POSITIVE ways.

1 John 3:18 “let us not love [merely] in theory or in speech but in deed and in truth”
 

Ephesians 4:29 “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

 

POSITIVE COMMUNICATION PRACTICES

 

Proverbs 15:1 “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Turning.

 

1) A SOFT Start-up.

 

2) TOWARD your partner.

 

3) REPARING the conversation.

 

4) ACCEPTING influence.

 

You're Worth It

Ephesians 2:10 ^"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them."

I believe there are times in all our lives we feel less-than-worthy; like we don't deserve anything good. This prevailing thought comes to us for various reasons; maybe your parents didn't tell you how valuable you were, or your value was based on your performance, or maybe it is a spouse that doesn't encourage you, a boss, maybe you've done some bad things and you can't forgive yourself ... so you feel you must suffer or pay the penalty for your sins, etc. 

We must discover what our limiting beliefs are, and why we have them, then exchange them for the truth, the truth that you are worth it, your life does matter, and that you do deserve good things and that God loves you. 

Abundance

First I want to make it very clear - I am not a "prosperity preacher!" God and wealth do not necessarily go hand in hand, nor does evil and poverty. I know wealthy people who are evil, and I know God fearing people who are also wealthy. I also know God fearing people who are poor as well as evil people. There is nothing wrong with being broke, except the obvious part of it ... it stinks, I've been there! And there is nothing wrong with being wealthy, unless your wealth has you rather then you having it! Having wealth gives you opportunity to do many great things! Do it.

All that said, I do believe that God wants to take care of His people and there is nothing wrong with asking God to give you more than enough, especially when you use it for His purposes. Often we pray for God to bless me and mine, when a better prayer would be to ask God to bless you so that you could be a blessing to others.

God knows our motives for wanting more, we can't trick Him, so be sincere ... but I dare ya to ask God for extra and commit to giving that extra away to help others.

We should all cultivate an abundance mentality rather than a scarcity mentality. Be generous!

10 Ways to Kill Your Church

1) A Jammin Bell Choir!

2) Lot's of Committees!

3) Allow anyone with a heart for God to sing a special!

4) When you pray for people try to push them over!

5) Have a 2 hour service with no order, just allow the "spirit to move".

6) No greeters, who needs 'em we all know each other!

7) A "not-a-people-person" type pastor.

8) Vote on everything, even when moving the flower pot in foyer 2 inches ... cuz that's where it's always been!

9) Double-breasted Suits and patent-leather shoes required!

10) Open Mic Sundays!

Sarcasm intended! :)

2011 Hanky Panky Challenge

The Hanky Panky challenge is for married couples to engage in some kind of hanky panky everyday for the entire month of February. Now, I looked up the definition of “hanky panky” and it was not the definition I was hoping for … so I thought I should clarify what I mean by hanky panky.

THE HANKY PANKY CHALLENGE

Here is what I have learned over the years of issuing this "Hanky Panky Challenge" ... for the guys it means one thing, and for the girls it may mean yet another, so let this blog be your guide. We are encouraging married couples to take the month of February to focus on their marriage by creating moments of intentional intimacy “hanky panky” with each other everyday, a total of 28 days. It's a challenge in itself just making time to connect everyday! So whether you connect for purely sexual intimacy (intercourse - hopefully no diagrams are needed here) which most dudes are probably hoping for – you are welcome guys!, or lots of kissing, touching, tickling, loving massages, foot rubs, hand massages, taking a bath together while listening to soft Jazz, washing each others hair, pillow talk, praying together (for each other and your family), read the book of the Bible entitled Song of Songs, reading a romantic book together, watch Dr. Phil – sorry, just kidding … watching a romantic movie (not Texas Chainsaw), cooking dinner together, talking a walk together, write a meaningful note to one another and read aloud, go on a romantic date … basically go back to what you did when you first met and fell so madly in love with each other! (I realize that was a massive run-on sentence!)

Side note here; many times this is what I see failing in marriages; everything that I have mentioned above is many times absent after a year of marriage. Simply, we take each other for granted, we are too busy (or we feel we are too busy). Yet when I talk to couples about their schedule I see that there are many many opportunities in their “busy schedule” for intimacy, but it’s filled up with TV, Sports, Hobbies, Kids stuff, facebook, and just a lot of worthless busy-work.

So there it is, the Hanky Panky Challenge ... I hope you take the challenge and comment here on this post or on my facebook ... oh yea, by the way ... I promise at the end of the 28 days your relationship with be better than ever!

I will blog more … I just had to rush to get something up here so if you heard something on TV or Radio you’ll know what it is all about!

Happy Hanky Panky!

10 Leadership Secrets of Timmy Gibson

1) Be true to yourself only if you are aligned with who God made you to be.

2) Pick your friends very carefully because they play a huge role in your life.

3) Be concerned with how your decision will effect others.

4) Always get both sides of the story.

5) Talk after you think.

6) Doing the right thing is always right.

7) Doing the wrong thing is always wrong.

8) Always listen to those you lead.

9) A wife will make or break you.

10) You never lose putting God first.