How You Treat Your *Waitress...

...Says A Lot About What Kind of Person You Are!

*Maybe a more appropriate name would be Restaurant Server (waiter or waitress).

My Point:
Jana and I were in Red Robin today with Jana's Dad, his wife Lorena and our two kids. There was a table behind us that looked to be a father, mother and 3 kids eating there as well. (I people watch and often ease drop ... so I heard the whole thing) when the waitress brought their food to them they rudely told their waitress some "things" were not to their liking, like their cheese sticks, which we supposed to be an appetizer, came out with the meal, their Ketchup bottle was empty and something else silly wasn't up to their standard. There was a part of me that wanted to empty the bottle of Ketchup on their head ... but then I realized that wouldn't be right either. LOL! Seriously, so your Cheese Sticks came out a few minutes late ... is it that that big of a deal really? I mean come on ... in light of world hunger, child prostitution, Aids, and poverty ... is it something to fuss over, and act like a buffoon? If so, you've got issues!

Now, first of all I don't have a problem with asking for things to be done right or even expecting things to be right ... like cooking it to your specifications, or maybe even reporting to the manager that things were "not satisfactory." Because this can help them do better in the future! And I can even understand being frustrated that things weren't how you ordered them... I get all that!

But what I do have a problem with is when people are rude, and just down right mean or snooty to a waitress/waiter. The parents were terrible examples to their children on how to treat people in this situation. I personally think people who are mean to waitresses/waiters have issues of pride and stupidity (it's a spirit of superiority that stinks and is nothing like Jesus whatsoever!)

Listen, if you are a Christian (or call yourself one) then be nice to people, especially those who serve you ... don't be a jerk! And if you can't control yourself, then don't go out to eat ... ever!

What is the Wise Thing to DO?

Proverbs 28:26 “He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but he who walks wisely will be delivered.”

I think this is a great question to ask ourselves when we have a choice to make. It may even be the best question to ask.

So many times we don't want to give the answer to that question because we knwo the answer and we do not want to do "that" which is the "wise" thing. Come on, let's be honest, often times we know just what we SHOULD do, but we do what we WANT to do instead. Then when it's bits us in the tush we get mad! Why are we mad? Because we KNEW IT! And did it anyway.

Okay, maybe its just me ... anyone else out there guilty? LOL!

Okay, so here is the challenge: When you are making a decision, ask yourself; What is the WISE (or right) thing for me to do? Then have the guts to DO THAT!

More on this later!

How Far is Too Far

I am asked, "how far is too far" as it relates to sexual intimacy between singles almost weekly. So I figured I might as well share my response here.

This is not an easy question to address ... and definitely not an easy ANSWER to live. I wish I could say that I never went too far in my dating days, but unfortunately I did ... and I do regret it. (many times pastors won't tell you that ... they just say "don't do it ... wait til you are married... which are all good things to say I suppose, but a touch hypocritical don't ya think when they do not add, "I couldn't or didn't save myself for marriage." Anyway ... a personal frustration for me.)

I too believe that saving yourself for your ONE TRUE love ... your wife/husband.

But let me answer the question; How far is too far? with a question.

How far would you want your future wife/husband to go with whoever they are currently dating? I know, I know, that question bits! And it should!

Do you want your future husband/wife to have gone to 4th base with every person he/she dated? How far would you want them to go?

Then I suggest you follow the golden rule: do unto others what you would have them do unto you!

Have fun, just don't go too far!

Not a Day Should Go By

I am hearing more and more in counseling sessions that spouses are not "praising" or "complimenting" each other. This ought not be!

There's not a day that should go by that we as "loving" spouses should miss the opportunity to tell our spouse just how much we love them and how awesome they are!

I can hear a voice saying, "but my spouse isn't awesome!" Well maybe they have become just what you have told them they are for years ... or maybe, just maybe they never felt appreciated for all the things they were doing, so they stopped doing them. Maybe they wanted you to get your moneys worth for all the criticism.

Isn't it sad that we typically only give feedback when it's negative! You only hear how you are doing when you are doing poorly. This is very unfortunate and is a bad way to live ... especially in a marriage!

Challenge: Compliment, praise ... tell your spouse how great and wonderful they are ... hug them, kiss them ... come on, it won't kill you to do this! But if you don't do it ... it will KILL the relationship!

Dream Marriage

I have people ask me so many times; "what it takes to have a Dream Marriage?" Wow! What a HUGE question. I think there are so many factors to having the Dream Marriage.

1) Being the Right Person

2) Finding the Right Person

3) Constantly working on your marriage

4) Getting to know your spouse

Listen, a Dream Marriage doesn't just happen after you say "I do." That would be too easy ... marriage takes a lot of work, a lot of sacrifice, and a lot of love! And at the center of it all FAITH IN GOD.

The God Factor for me is huge, obviously being a pastor right, but honestly even if I wasn't a pastor God plays a major role in my marriage. And primarily because God plays a major role in my morality. I don't do whatever I feel like doing, or even say whatever I feel like saying because I love God, and I truly want to live in such a way that brings honor to Him. I'm not saying I am a model Christian ... trust me, I am just saying that my relationship with Christ has greatly impacted the life I live and the choices I make. And they would be much different if I wasn't a Christ follower.

So I am a firm believer in God being an important part of any relationship!

Before Your Dad Walks You Down

I truly believe there are two primary reasons marriages don't last "till death do us part" (that's a huge statement)...

1) No Pre-marriage Counseling - Jana and I did *6 sessions of pre-marriage counseling. We thought it was especially helpful to us because we had only dated 2 1/2 months before I popped the big question. Too many couples enter marriage with unrealistic expectations, and are missing some of the key elements to making a marriage last a life-time ... assuming that just the sheer "feelings" of love they have for each other will carry them through. Unfortunately too many couples loose that loving feeling ... and then loose the marriage as well.


*Jana and I teach 4 marriage sessions and you can watch them for FREE on our church site ... or listen for FREE on iTunes "Mercy Church KC" or you can order the (4) DVD SET for $10 and we'll mail it to you. Call our office: (913) 390-1200

2) They Marry for the wrong reasons - and yes this can mean you even marry the wrong person. This is why it's so important to do #1 ... to really make sure this person that you have chosen (that's what true love it: a CHOICE ... and every day after your wedding you must choose to LOVE EACH OTHER). When I say "marry the wrong person" I do not mean that there is THE ONE still out there and you must find him/her ... no! You just need to make sure that you marry someone for the RIGHT reasons and someone that you are compatible with.

Granted, this blog entry is primarily for the "BEFORE your Dad walks you down the isle" people ... not the ALREADY WALKED THE ISLE!

Because I am a huge proponent of "making marriage work", if you are reading this and thinking, "Timmy I married for the wrong reasons ... I married the wrong person ... I am unhappy ..." There is still hope ... IF, and only IF you are your spouse are willing to MAKE IT WORK! Think about it ... you must have loved this person enough to walk the isle, okay so yeah, maybe their not the most compatible person out there for you ... but you chose them, and you BOTH can make it work IF you are willing to put the hard work into it!

Now, to those this blog entry is truly for ... TRUST ME and the thousands of people who are reading this and can testify to the fact IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON... DON'T SETTLE for anyone! MARRY FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.

FYI ... you don't have to marry your first kiss ...

MORE TOMORROW!

Meet in the Middle

Another thing I talk to couples about in my pre-marital sessions is the hole idea of compromise or what I like to call "Meeting in the Middle" is something you will need to do many times in a marriage.

Just FYI, if you think you are going to get married and always get your way ... you might want to wake up from that little fantasy dream world, cause it ain't going to happen! It's funny, but I've actually had couples express that, "oh we agree on everything (then they giggle and wink at each other) ... we are like two peas in a pod." 100% of the time those "two peas in a pod" become two peas in a soup - messy, lukewarm and not together on many issues.

So what is the answer to this? Simple, you must talk and meet in the middle on the issue. And if you don't the area in between where you stand and your spouse stands on any given issue there lives frustration, bitterness, resentment, hatred, and all things bad.

Let me give you some common case in points I have had to help couples "meet in the middle" on:

- Let's say the husband wants sex every day, and the wife wants sex once a week. Okay, there is a problem. He is frustrated because he feels he isn't getting it enough. She is resentful because she feels that's all he wants her for is her body. And the reality is that this issue will not go away on its own and it certainly will not get better if either one gets their way at the others expense. I mean it can't be a win lose ... we are looking for a win win.

So what do you do? Get divorced? No! Buy a tube of KY Jelly and send him to the bathroom? No! Tell him to take a cold shower? Maybe! Lol!

Actually you COMMUNICATE and meet in the middle on the issue. He shares WHY he wants you so much ... he loves you, this is how he expresses his love, and he wants to be close to you, he thinks your smoking hot, therefor he want to be with you. She expresses that she's busy and would like to just snuggle more (the famous line) be close and talk ... no sexually touching. Anyway, the bottom line is you come up with a happy medium; let's have sex 3 times a week. Now he is happy, she's happy. It's not every day, and it's not once a week ... both have compromised. Now the key is once the agreement is made, you can not be upset about what you agreed was okay!

Side note: Don't be unmovable jerk on issues. Don't be the idiot jerko guy who demands "once a day" or your going to pout like a 3 year old toddler. Same for the women, don't be a naggy haggy who just pouts, withholding sex, or reluctantly giving it up. Come on! That is no way to live. It makes for a crappy marriage. No one wants that!

There are so many other things like this I counsel couples on ... the other one is the whole "he is a dirty slob ... i hate picking up after him..." ... I will discuss this one tomorrow. So tune in ... and send your friends my link!

Expelled

I just watched a very interesting movie by Ben Stein called Expelled. In short it is a movie about the Intelligent Design debate, that actually isn't even allowed to be debated in the world of Science; which I find mind boggling!

So do we live in a world that we can "debate" on whether God doesn't exist, but we can't debate on whether He does exist. How jacked up is that?

I hadn't ever heard of a fellow named Richard Dawkins, but after hearing him speak I am firmly convinced that he is one of the dumbest smart people on the planet today!

The Official Web Site for Expelled.

Happy Couples

There is no "magic bullet" to being a happy couple ... or having a happy marriage. I believe it's many things working together ... primarily the 2 people in the relationship.

Here is what I tell couples who come into my office for pre-marital counseling.

1) Marriage is what YOU BOTH make it ... make it wonderful!

2) Love each other like crazy! Try to out LOVE one another!

Typically what we do, or at least want to do is KEEP SCORE! i.e. She didn't give me sex, so I am not going to talk to her. Or, He didn't talk to me, so I'm not going to give him sex.

That is what we call the cycle of doom! That only continues to feed the unhappiness!

3) Share your feelings RIGHT THEN.

Don't wait till there are 10 things that have piled up till you talk ... or rather BLOW UP! Now, this means that in the beginning of the marriage there will be many "talks" ... but better to have the talks, then having one person walk.

4) REPENT, and FORGIVE.

So important to be quick to repent (or say sorry) to your spouse when you have done something stupid. Jana has to do this to me all the time ... lol! Actually it's the other way around. But we do it! We say "sorry for ..." and what you should never say to them when they say, "That made me feel ..." is "you SHOULDN'T FEEL that way!" WRONG thing to say! I know this because I've said it ... many years ago... I have sense learned!

More NEXT WEEK!

Soul Mates

Let's just be honest here ... relationships can be complicated! I just celebrated 15 years of marriage bliss (that's a good thing!) and it's not always been easy, the road at times as been rough, but we've grown closer together through it all. And we really dig each other.

Why?

Great question! We are asked that all the time. And I do have an answer that I will share, but first I want to say that stop looking for your soul mate and work on being the right person. I can't tell you how many "soul-mates" I've met through the years who are now divorced. Why is that? It's because you do not "FIND" your soul-mate. I firmly believe that once you get married you "BECOME" soul-mates! It's something you GROW, not FIND.

Honestly, 25 years ago I believed in the whole soul-mate thing, along with dragons, tooth-fairies, and the Jolly Green Giant. (a little sarcasm!)

But seriously, I have always loved "love", I love romantic movies, I love romance, I love love stories (only the ones with happy endings like Serendipity, Sabrina, The Notebook, Sleepless in Seattle, How to loose a Guy in 10 Days, The Princess Bride, and Just Like Heaven) I hated the movie, Message in a Bottle!

Love is a choice, and each day Jana chooses to love me in-spite of my imperfections, and I do the same for her (though she is perfect!)

So for those of you who are SINGLE ... make sure to choose wisely! Do not marry someone for the WRONG reasons!

Now, TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS to read my blog for the NEXT WEEK... I WILL tackle this whole LOVE THANG!