Not a Day Should Go By

I am hearing more and more in counseling sessions that spouses are not "praising" or "complimenting" each other. This ought not be!

There's not a day that should go by that we as "loving" spouses should miss the opportunity to tell our spouse just how much we love them and how awesome they are!

I can hear a voice saying, "but my spouse isn't awesome!" Well maybe they have become just what you have told them they are for years ... or maybe, just maybe they never felt appreciated for all the things they were doing, so they stopped doing them. Maybe they wanted you to get your moneys worth for all the criticism.

Isn't it sad that we typically only give feedback when it's negative! You only hear how you are doing when you are doing poorly. This is very unfortunate and is a bad way to live ... especially in a marriage!

Challenge: Compliment, praise ... tell your spouse how great and wonderful they are ... hug them, kiss them ... come on, it won't kill you to do this! But if you don't do it ... it will KILL the relationship!

Dream Marriage

I have people ask me so many times; "what it takes to have a Dream Marriage?" Wow! What a HUGE question. I think there are so many factors to having the Dream Marriage.

1) Being the Right Person

2) Finding the Right Person

3) Constantly working on your marriage

4) Getting to know your spouse

Listen, a Dream Marriage doesn't just happen after you say "I do." That would be too easy ... marriage takes a lot of work, a lot of sacrifice, and a lot of love! And at the center of it all FAITH IN GOD.

The God Factor for me is huge, obviously being a pastor right, but honestly even if I wasn't a pastor God plays a major role in my marriage. And primarily because God plays a major role in my morality. I don't do whatever I feel like doing, or even say whatever I feel like saying because I love God, and I truly want to live in such a way that brings honor to Him. I'm not saying I am a model Christian ... trust me, I am just saying that my relationship with Christ has greatly impacted the life I live and the choices I make. And they would be much different if I wasn't a Christ follower.

So I am a firm believer in God being an important part of any relationship!

Before Your Dad Walks You Down

I truly believe there are two primary reasons marriages don't last "till death do us part" (that's a huge statement)...

1) No Pre-marriage Counseling - Jana and I did *6 sessions of pre-marriage counseling. We thought it was especially helpful to us because we had only dated 2 1/2 months before I popped the big question. Too many couples enter marriage with unrealistic expectations, and are missing some of the key elements to making a marriage last a life-time ... assuming that just the sheer "feelings" of love they have for each other will carry them through. Unfortunately too many couples loose that loving feeling ... and then loose the marriage as well.


*Jana and I teach 4 marriage sessions and you can watch them for FREE on our church site ... or listen for FREE on iTunes "Mercy Church KC" or you can order the (4) DVD SET for $10 and we'll mail it to you. Call our office: (913) 390-1200

2) They Marry for the wrong reasons - and yes this can mean you even marry the wrong person. This is why it's so important to do #1 ... to really make sure this person that you have chosen (that's what true love it: a CHOICE ... and every day after your wedding you must choose to LOVE EACH OTHER). When I say "marry the wrong person" I do not mean that there is THE ONE still out there and you must find him/her ... no! You just need to make sure that you marry someone for the RIGHT reasons and someone that you are compatible with.

Granted, this blog entry is primarily for the "BEFORE your Dad walks you down the isle" people ... not the ALREADY WALKED THE ISLE!

Because I am a huge proponent of "making marriage work", if you are reading this and thinking, "Timmy I married for the wrong reasons ... I married the wrong person ... I am unhappy ..." There is still hope ... IF, and only IF you are your spouse are willing to MAKE IT WORK! Think about it ... you must have loved this person enough to walk the isle, okay so yeah, maybe their not the most compatible person out there for you ... but you chose them, and you BOTH can make it work IF you are willing to put the hard work into it!

Now, to those this blog entry is truly for ... TRUST ME and the thousands of people who are reading this and can testify to the fact IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON... DON'T SETTLE for anyone! MARRY FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.

FYI ... you don't have to marry your first kiss ...

MORE TOMORROW!

Meet in the Middle

Another thing I talk to couples about in my pre-marital sessions is the hole idea of compromise or what I like to call "Meeting in the Middle" is something you will need to do many times in a marriage.

Just FYI, if you think you are going to get married and always get your way ... you might want to wake up from that little fantasy dream world, cause it ain't going to happen! It's funny, but I've actually had couples express that, "oh we agree on everything (then they giggle and wink at each other) ... we are like two peas in a pod." 100% of the time those "two peas in a pod" become two peas in a soup - messy, lukewarm and not together on many issues.

So what is the answer to this? Simple, you must talk and meet in the middle on the issue. And if you don't the area in between where you stand and your spouse stands on any given issue there lives frustration, bitterness, resentment, hatred, and all things bad.

Let me give you some common case in points I have had to help couples "meet in the middle" on:

- Let's say the husband wants sex every day, and the wife wants sex once a week. Okay, there is a problem. He is frustrated because he feels he isn't getting it enough. She is resentful because she feels that's all he wants her for is her body. And the reality is that this issue will not go away on its own and it certainly will not get better if either one gets their way at the others expense. I mean it can't be a win lose ... we are looking for a win win.

So what do you do? Get divorced? No! Buy a tube of KY Jelly and send him to the bathroom? No! Tell him to take a cold shower? Maybe! Lol!

Actually you COMMUNICATE and meet in the middle on the issue. He shares WHY he wants you so much ... he loves you, this is how he expresses his love, and he wants to be close to you, he thinks your smoking hot, therefor he want to be with you. She expresses that she's busy and would like to just snuggle more (the famous line) be close and talk ... no sexually touching. Anyway, the bottom line is you come up with a happy medium; let's have sex 3 times a week. Now he is happy, she's happy. It's not every day, and it's not once a week ... both have compromised. Now the key is once the agreement is made, you can not be upset about what you agreed was okay!

Side note: Don't be unmovable jerk on issues. Don't be the idiot jerko guy who demands "once a day" or your going to pout like a 3 year old toddler. Same for the women, don't be a naggy haggy who just pouts, withholding sex, or reluctantly giving it up. Come on! That is no way to live. It makes for a crappy marriage. No one wants that!

There are so many other things like this I counsel couples on ... the other one is the whole "he is a dirty slob ... i hate picking up after him..." ... I will discuss this one tomorrow. So tune in ... and send your friends my link!

Expelled

I just watched a very interesting movie by Ben Stein called Expelled. In short it is a movie about the Intelligent Design debate, that actually isn't even allowed to be debated in the world of Science; which I find mind boggling!

So do we live in a world that we can "debate" on whether God doesn't exist, but we can't debate on whether He does exist. How jacked up is that?

I hadn't ever heard of a fellow named Richard Dawkins, but after hearing him speak I am firmly convinced that he is one of the dumbest smart people on the planet today!

The Official Web Site for Expelled.

Happy Couples

There is no "magic bullet" to being a happy couple ... or having a happy marriage. I believe it's many things working together ... primarily the 2 people in the relationship.

Here is what I tell couples who come into my office for pre-marital counseling.

1) Marriage is what YOU BOTH make it ... make it wonderful!

2) Love each other like crazy! Try to out LOVE one another!

Typically what we do, or at least want to do is KEEP SCORE! i.e. She didn't give me sex, so I am not going to talk to her. Or, He didn't talk to me, so I'm not going to give him sex.

That is what we call the cycle of doom! That only continues to feed the unhappiness!

3) Share your feelings RIGHT THEN.

Don't wait till there are 10 things that have piled up till you talk ... or rather BLOW UP! Now, this means that in the beginning of the marriage there will be many "talks" ... but better to have the talks, then having one person walk.

4) REPENT, and FORGIVE.

So important to be quick to repent (or say sorry) to your spouse when you have done something stupid. Jana has to do this to me all the time ... lol! Actually it's the other way around. But we do it! We say "sorry for ..." and what you should never say to them when they say, "That made me feel ..." is "you SHOULDN'T FEEL that way!" WRONG thing to say! I know this because I've said it ... many years ago... I have sense learned!

More NEXT WEEK!

Soul Mates

Let's just be honest here ... relationships can be complicated! I just celebrated 15 years of marriage bliss (that's a good thing!) and it's not always been easy, the road at times as been rough, but we've grown closer together through it all. And we really dig each other.

Why?

Great question! We are asked that all the time. And I do have an answer that I will share, but first I want to say that stop looking for your soul mate and work on being the right person. I can't tell you how many "soul-mates" I've met through the years who are now divorced. Why is that? It's because you do not "FIND" your soul-mate. I firmly believe that once you get married you "BECOME" soul-mates! It's something you GROW, not FIND.

Honestly, 25 years ago I believed in the whole soul-mate thing, along with dragons, tooth-fairies, and the Jolly Green Giant. (a little sarcasm!)

But seriously, I have always loved "love", I love romantic movies, I love romance, I love love stories (only the ones with happy endings like Serendipity, Sabrina, The Notebook, Sleepless in Seattle, How to loose a Guy in 10 Days, The Princess Bride, and Just Like Heaven) I hated the movie, Message in a Bottle!

Love is a choice, and each day Jana chooses to love me in-spite of my imperfections, and I do the same for her (though she is perfect!)

So for those of you who are SINGLE ... make sure to choose wisely! Do not marry someone for the WRONG reasons!

Now, TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS to read my blog for the NEXT WEEK... I WILL tackle this whole LOVE THANG!

Bible Reading Plan - Weeks 36 - 40

Week 36

September 1
Ezekiel 18-19

September 2
Ezekiel 20-21

September 3
Ezekiel 22-23

September 4
Ezekiel 24-27

September 5
Ezekiel 28-31

September 6
Ezekiel 32-34

September 7
Ezekiel 35-37


Week 37

September 8
Ezekiel 38-39

September 9
Ezekiel 40-41

September 10
Ezekiel 42-43

September 11
Ezekiel 44-45

September 12
Ezekiel 46-48

September 13
Joel

September 14
Daniel 1-3


Week 38

September 15
Daniel 4-6

September 16
Daniel 7-9

September 17
Daniel 10-12

September 18
Ezra 1-3

September 19
Ezra 4-6; Psalms 137

September 20
Haggai

September 21
Zechariah 1-7


Week 39

September 22
Zechariah 8-14

September 23
Esther 1-5

September 24
Esther 6-10

September 25
Ezra 7-10

September 26
Nehemiah 1-5

September 27
Lamentations 3:37-5:22

September 28
Nehemiah 6-7


Week 40

September 29
Nehemiah 11-13; Psalms 126

September 30
Malachi

October 1
Luke 1; John 1:1-14

October 2
Matthew 2; Luke 2:39-52

October 3
Matthew 3; Mark 1; Luke 3

October 4
Matthew 4; Luke 4-5; John 1:15-51

October 5
John 2-4

My Life's Journey

Over the last couple of years I have noticed that MY LIFE'S JOURNEY has become more important to me. I am guessing that it's because I am 40 now? I mean I have always taken life pretty serious in the sense that I work hard to accomplish what I feel God has laid out before me ... but lately it's become even more urgent. I am doing things more on purpose now (being more intentional), and trying to only do the things that really matter.

What about you? Are you on a journey with purpose? Do you have a God-given mission to accomplish? How is it coming along?

I have noticed something that we all do when we feel we are way off course; we just stop. We give up. We forget. We quit. We ignore. But here's the deal, start where you are right now ... make the first step in the right direction, don't say,"too much water under the bridge now ... no use ... too far gone ... I've already messed it all up" it's never too late. I know that phrase is often over-used, but it is so very true! Start today!

More and more I give serious thoughts to where God wants me, who God has made me to be, His call on my life, and the ultimate purpose for which I was born and ask myself ... am I on MY LIFE'S JOURNEY? Am I fulfilling My Life's Purpose?

I hope you are! Enjoy life's journey!

How to Support Your Pastor

99.9% of the time I blog my own thoughts ... yes, I guess it's all about me, so enough about what I think of me, what about other people, what do other people think about me? Lol ... that is a quote from a movie ... my attempt at movie humor yet again!

Moving on ... I had a new member ask me recently; What is the best way I can support you here at Mercy Church? I thought WOW, what a wonderful question to ask, no one has really ever asked me that before (but a great one to ask!).

So, like what we all do in the age of "everything you want to know is only a few clicks away" I typed "How to support your pastor" into GOOGLE and here is the second little article that popped up ... I read it, agreed 100%! So here is just a few ways to support your pastor (or church staff) at your church.

HOW TO SUPPORT YOUR PASTOR by Teachforever (eHow Community Member)


Step 1

The first thing that you can do for your pastor is to pray for him or her. Ask the Lord to give them strength and courage to do his will regardless of the obstacles that he or she may face. Pray for your pastor on a daily basis.

Step 2

Second, do not allow anyone to talk negatively about your pastor. Refuse to be involved in church gossip. Remember, God has placed your shepherd over your life and you do not want to be involved in confusion.

Step 3

Third, give liberally to the financial support of the ministry. Your tithe and offerings help support the work of the ministry. The lack of your giving will only place more undeserved pressure on your pastor.

Step 4

Fourth, try to take as much labor off of your pastor's plate as necessary. Ministry can be one of the most thankless professions. The lighter his or her load, the better the opportunity for them to seek the face of God for the congregation.

Step 5

Fifth, ensure your presence at church. Your presence alone should provide encouragement to your pastor. Others may take sabbaticals, but if you want to encourage your pastor, make sure that you are in church whenever the church doors are open.

Timmy's Thoughts

I would only add a few more practical things like; Wash the pastor's car, Mow the pastor's lawn ... ha ha! Just kidding of course. But notice in what this person wrote ... very simple, very doable, nothing weird (like the 2 things I jokingly mentioned) ... actually the 5 things are very biblically sound!

Challenge: Wherever you attend church ... support your pastor.