The BEDROOM 1 of 3

*The following blog entry includes some explicit material… though done tastefully!

Thanks for your open and honest question Cleardensity!

I taught a series just last year called “The Best Sex Ever”, I’ll send the DVD’s to you for free if you want… email info@olathelifefellowship.org with your request and mailing address.

I. Oral Sex – This is using the mouth and/or tongue on the sex organ.

1) Is oral sex … sex? Despite what former president Bill Clinton says, yes it is sex! So, I am going to seem old fashion here, but that means that you should not engage in oral sex outside of a committed relationship (which is marriage).

2) Is oral sex okay within the context of a committed relationship (which is marriage)? Yes! Nowhere in scripture is oral sex forbidden. I believe God made the mouth for kissing, and what we kiss on our mate is our choice. Heb. 13:3-5

Here is the deal; if you think oral sex is wrong, then don’t do it! But don’t judge those who are free to do this… Paul teaches on this is the epistles when the Jews were trying to put the new Christian gentiles in bondage with their strict eating laws… don’t judge another person because they are free to eat meat… and you who are free don’t judge those who don’t eat meat! Same applies here.

Here is where the rub is; the wife is for it, and the husband isn’t. What do you do? Somewhere there needs to be a compromise. I feel that if a couple really loves each other then they want to please, and satisfy each other, and if oral sex is something they would like, then why not. Then on the other hand, if a couple really loves each other they wouldn’t want their spouse to feel pressured or uncomfortable … so again, there must be a compromise that both can be satisfied with.

Tomorrow… what is okay “sexually” within a marriage?

A Life that MATTERS

What does it mean to live a life that matters?

That is a great question for each of us to ask ourselves. Too many times we do not stop and ask ourselves the hard questions of life; what am I living for… in other words am I living for a grand purpose? Or is life just about me and mine?

I encourage you to stop sometime today for at least 10 minutes and reflect on your life, your purpose, God’s purpose and the direction your life is heading… and then ask yourself; am I going in the right direction?

Live a life that matters!

No LIFE

Top 10 signs you have no life outside church:

1) TBN is your favorite TV Channel
2) You still listen to your cassettes of Petra, Stryper, and the Imperials
3) You have no friends outside your church friends
4) You read every book in the Left Behind series and hope they keep coming out with more.
5) You own and wear the T-shirt pictured above.

6) When someone says “How are you?” you say, “Praise God Im more than a conqueror through Christ who strengthens me”.
7) Just after you sip a good cup of coffee you shout “Glory to God” even while in the coffee shop.
8) When your car breaks down you actually lay hands on it and pray that it is healed.
9) You actually own stock in the company that created WWJD.
10) When you refer to anything other than church you put the word “secular” in front of it.

Praise His name, have a blessed day in the Lord Brother!

Your friend in Christ,

Rev. Timmy Gibson

Coming Next Week ... If 4 out of 10 identify you... why that's kind of scary!

Free to be ME

My experience in church (which is not everyone’s experience) when I was growing up was pretty good, though I felt I had to hide who I was (not that I was bad, just I was not your normal suit-wearing churchy person with a clean cut hairdo)… and as I have grown in my relationship with Christ I realize I am *free to be me! And that is what is so exciting about being a pastor of a church that allows, and even encourages people to be who God made them to be. We do not have a model or box we are trying to fit people into.

Of course my church when I was growing up said “you’re free to be you” but…what you also heard was “we need you to cut your hair, wears a suit, quit smoking, quit listening to rock music, definitely stop the dancing, remove your tattoo … if you want to fit in and belong here”. It’s like the church that says, “everyone is welcome”… but when the prostitute came to a service she was made to feel like she didn’t belong … unless she was willing to wear different clothing, remove the make-up and wear flat shoes.

What I have learned as I have grown in my relationship with Christ is that there is no clean up we need to do before we come to God… it’s a come as you are deal! And if He sees fit to change someone… great, then allow Him to work in that person’s life to do that. Too many times we in the church think we are God and we know just what people need to do.

For me, I never fit into what I considered to be the pastor mold. It’s just not me… I like loud motorcycles, tattoos, dancing with my wife and an occasional cigar AND I love Jesus with all my heart… wow, is that possible? It is! This is one reason I really fought with God over becoming a pastor. I felt I didn’t fit the mold and He must be making a mistake to want me. But for whatever reason God persisted and I relented.

*I know most of you get what I am saying here, but you always have a few up-tight people who read into things so I am forced to clarify so as to make sure I am clear…when I say, “free to be me” I am not saying that God just wants to leave us in our sin and depravity and/or brokeness and be happy about it! Dah! Of course God wants us to be transformed into what He has created us to be… but that’s just it, GOD does the transforming work in people’s lives, HE works in a person’s heart better than we ever could. And frankly we, as mere humans, don’t know just what God is doing in people.

Honestly, I think we need more faith in the transforming work of the Holy Spirit in people’s lives!

SEX Chocolate 6 of 6

Here are 3 great ways to live our lives to hopefully keep ourselves from doing whatever could destroy our marriage, and/or our kid’s lives.

1) Work hard at developing a great relationship with your spouse!

This is probably the biggest one of all… typically, not always, but 99% of the time when I talk to couples who find themselves in a bad place (Affair, No feelings of love, etc.) it’s because one or the other has let the ball drop. What I mean by that is that for a fire to really be hot it needs to be stoked constantly… same for a marriage; you must keep it fresh… both couples must be on the offensive... by that I mean aggressively LOVING each other!

Please DO NOT misread this and think this is a justification for marital unfaithfulness; but if a husband is not meeting his wife’s emotional needs then he is leaving room (or making her volunerable) for someone else to do so. Same goes for the wife who is not meeting her husbands sexual need, she is leaving room for someone who will meet that need. Again, this does not make it right BUT it is the hard truth!

Marital dissatisfaction … leads to being vulnerable ... which leads to … opportunity … which leads to all things bad!

2) Don’t put yourself in compromising situations where an affair can happen!

Opportunity! Again, simple but not practiced very often! I heard one guy say, “I thought I was safe being alone with her…” or a girl who reported to me, “It was just a work-related lunch date…” or the guy who said, “I was just drinking with some co-workers…”

This one is close to my heart because I feel it’s the critical one… it is the one that people underestimate and get bit most every time! I truly think one of the main reasons we (Jana and I) have not been the victims of an affair. It’s not because we are just so awesome, strong, in love or just so godly ... it's because we do not put ourselves in compromising situations. i.e.

a) If possible, don't not travel alone.
b) Do not do lunch with the opposite sex.
c) Do not engage in ongoing email (or any) exchanges with the opposite sex.
d) Do not go to clubs or any kind of “meat market” place alone, or without your spouse. (I am not saying you can’t go out without your spouse with friends and have dinner, some drinks etc. but I personally think it can present a problem... and again I am basing my opinion on all the couples I have counseled over the last 10 years who have told me stories that this situation rings true for what caused their issues)
e) Do not drink alcohol unless you’re with your spouse. (Unless you are having some pizza …you must have a beer with the pizza!)

Maybe you are thinking, “Man sounds like a lot of rules to follow?”

We do not look at it that way… the only thing you’ll miss out on is doing something to mess up your marriage. For us, our marriage and children are our priority and we want to live our lives in such a way to protect our family.

3) Don’t fantasize about an affair.

People play things out in their mind as having a good happy ending… but I have counseled too many couples and the happy ending is only how Hollywood portrays it. It’s destroys everything you cherish and hold dear! And trust me when I say, every person I’ve ever talked to wishes they could take back what they did … it wasn’t worth it, and it wasn’t even close to being as exciting as they imagined!

Ladies, please hate me for what I am going to say here but I have a strong opinion that’s not always real popular about watching soap operas; I think watching TV shows, Movies, or reading books that glorify adultery is just terrible (I just have to share my feelings … not saying I am right, this is just how I feel). I realize in some cases it’s just “entertainment” or “real life”… but I believe it chips away at our conscience and our knowing “right from wrong”. To some of you this may seem extreme … but again this is my blog and you don’t have to agree with me… just my opinion. Guys, I would be missing it if I did not mention the danger of porn for you as well. It’s just dulling your conscience … it’s a road that leads to a bad place.

Sorry so long… more later!

SEX Chocolate (intermission)

I am sorry, but I couldn't resist this picture; though I have not seen the movie (yet) it fits well with the topic at hand!

I just came home from vacation and I have the SEX Chocolate 6 of 6 post partially complete, but I want to work on it just a bit more before I post it for the world to read. Ha! Look for it tomorrow!

But here are some teasers for some upcoming blog posts:

1) Relationships - How to make them work well!
2) Grass is Greener - How to save yourself from ever having an affair!
3) Meaning - What our life is all about!
4) Getting over it - How to overcome the pain from abuse!
5) Family - How to deal with a whacky family!

SEX Chocolate – 5 of 6

Openness

I counsel many couples who do not talk about sex, at least not *openly and honestly with their spouse. I have had many people tell me that they have not and feel that they could not share the deep and sometimes dark parts of their sexual issues with their mate. I personally feel that this is (as I have mentioned before) where we miss the opportunity for real healing to take place.


I remember an encounter Jesus had with the Samaritan women at the Well in John 4 that to me just communicates a message that it’s important to just be honest; when Jesus said to her in verse 16, “Go, call your husband and come back.” “I have no husband,” she replied. Jesus said to her, “You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.”

We many times want to keep our past a secret for fear of what people might think… and I can see that some things are better left unsaid or unshared. We are fearful that, “if they knew THIS about me, they wouldn’t love me, or accept me or like me… so I can not be truthful about the abuse, or my promiscuous past… I will hide it so they’ll never know.”

But that is not how it works in the real world… because YOU know, and it hinders you and your relationships… and this is why many people run from relationship to relationship, marriage to marriage… they are unwilling to face the issues head on and be OPEN and HONEST about it.

*Little side note here for the ladies … your husband has sexual desires and fantasies that would be good for you to hear and possibly fulfill (and do not think he is a pervert… he is not… he is a guy!) Now, of course I am not talking about sick hurtful stuff that would be morally wrong. But He may have certain fantasies that are fun, safe and yes they may be embarrassing … but they may just spice up the bedroom a bit! Lest I seem chauvinistic, girls have fantasies too … guys listen up and play along.

Something else while I’m at it… I have talked with guys who feel so ashamed or shamed by these sexual desires they have for their spouse (notice I didn’t use the word “convicted”… big difference…) … one guy felt bad that he really wanted his wife to dress up in a nurses uniform and role play a little Doctor - Patient exam … he felt that something was wrong with him for wanting that … and so he tried to suppress/hide it, which then lead to a secret addiction to porn where he could live out his fantasies... which drove him further from his wife.

I personally feel and know that had he been able to live out his sexual fantasies with HIS WIFE in the privacy of his own bedroom he would not have felt so tempted to live another life. My thought is (make a note of this one) that if you can live a wonderful fantasy life with your spouse then you’ll most-likely not feel the need to look else where. (not that that justifies it, it's just the truth)

Guys and Gals shouldn’t we should try to treat our mate like a Harlequin Romance book writes? Why can’t a marriage be a Romantic Novel? I believe it can, and should!

To Be Continued… next time I will share how to conquer desires that are sinful, harmful, and morally wrong. Just because we desire something, doesn't mean we should seek to fulfill it, we may need to crucify it!

SEX Chocolate – 4 of 6

There are 2 books that really made a positive impact on my sex life … really making a huge impact on my perspective of the issue...

1) Sacred Sex by Alan Gardner

2) Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman

Because of my past I had a skewed perspective on sex (including women and relationships for that matter); I mean I really didn’t understand what God was thinking when He created sex. But I did know that He created it to be much more sacred/holy/lovely then it is pictured in Hollywood.

I wanted what God wanted for me in the area of sex… I am sure you do as well.

Sex is something sacred and special that we get to celebrate with our mate. It is something that should be enjoyed by BOTH husband AND wife. Neither the husband nor the wife should just endure until it’s over.

I realize that there may be abuse in your past… if so, I would encourage you to read a great book, Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall. And I would also like to add that I am so sorry that you had to suffer that pain!

To be continued…

SEX Chocolate - 3 of 6

My Insecurities

If I’m honest, which to me that is the only way to be, even at the expense of sharing “too much information”. I feel that if my story can help someone else, then I will tell it… the good, the bad and the ugly. This is what I see in the Bible; it not only tells the good things people did, but even the bad stuff. Look at David … wow … had an affair and then had the women’s husband killed … you would have thought he would have left that out … but it’s the truth … my story pails in comparison, yet it is my story … my journey.

I am not sure if it was having 3 father figures by the time I was 7 years old had anything to do with deep seeded insecurities, or if it is because I was a late bloomer and was very unpopular in Junior High… or the fact that I was a bed wetter til I was 14? All I know is that I was incredible insecure and wanted to be liked, accepted and cool.

And truthfully I am not sure that “insecurities” are something deep within our pasts that we necessarily need to dig up to find out WHY… I think we have all have insecurities and the important thing is to conquer them… to overcome them.

For me the best day in my life was when God brought me Jana in 1993 and she helped me face my insecurities and ultimately overcome them. Now of course I still deal with insecurities like every human being, but they typically do not control my actions.

Sometimes I’ve seen spouses ADD TO their mate’s insecurities … not good! Thankfully, for me, Jana helped sooth my insecurities and made me feel secure in our relationship and she helped my feel secure to be me. And, yes most definitely as I grew in my relationship with Christ I was able to find meaning and purpose in my relationship with Him … and as I have grown just naturally.

More later…

P.S. I encourage comments, though I will not post your comment if it’s 1) Anonymous, 2) Mean and Unchristian (like a recent comment I received!)

As with anything I say on my blog I am open for feedback, and discussion but not for people just spewing hateful rhetoric.

SEX Chocolate - 2 of 6

My Promiscuous Past

Losing my virginity when I was 17 lead me down a very promiscuous road of meaningless sexual escapades that left me feeling lonely and empty.

My search was for acceptance, fulfillment, meaning and I guess for …love. But it was like the carrot to the donkey … it eluded me. This was because I was as the songs says, “…looking for love in all the wrong places”.

Now, you may think I am going to say, “then I met God and all was well…” well I’m not, because remember I was already a church going Christian, and I loved God, but there was an emptiness in me that yearned for more attention … to be accepted, to be wanted, to be loved. And every girl I dated (if that is what you call it) still left me wanting more … so I’d jump to the next girl, then the next, then the next … and so on it went for 7 years.

Even when I went to Bible College I struggled with needing to be accepted … to feel loved, and to be valued… and the way I tried to meet that need was through sexual activity … I felt that if a girl would have sex with me that meant she loved me, she valued me, she accepted me … and I wanted to be loved.

To be honest with you I am not sure where the void in my life came from … but I suspect it came from when I was a child… which just further fueled the already heightened male teen testosterone … that was “burning in loins” as the bible says (ha!)

You’ll want to keep reading my story of love that I refer to as my Storybook Marriage w/Jana… because there is a happy, fulfilled and meaningful ending… though it’s only just begun!

To be continued…