I counsel many couples who do not talk about sex, at least not *openly and honestly with their spouse. I have had many people tell me that they have not and feel that they could not share the deep and sometimes dark parts of their sexual issues with their mate. I personally feel that this is (as I have mentioned before) where we miss the opportunity for real healing to take place.
I remember an encounter Jesus had with the Samaritan women at the Well in John 4 that to me just communicates a message that it’s important to just be honest; when Jesus said to her in verse 16, “Go, call your husband and come back.” “I have no husband,” she replied. Jesus said to her, “You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.”
We many times want to keep our past a secret for fear of what people might think… and I can see that some things are better left unsaid or unshared. We are fearful that, “if they knew THIS about me, they wouldn’t love me, or accept me or like me… so I can not be truthful about the abuse, or my promiscuous past… I will hide it so they’ll never know.”
But that is not how it works in the real world… because YOU know, and it hinders you and your relationships… and this is why many people run from relationship to relationship, marriage to marriage… they are unwilling to face the issues head on and be OPEN and HONEST about it.
*Little side note here for the ladies … your husband has sexual desires and fantasies that would be good for you to hear and possibly fulfill (and do not think he is a pervert… he is not… he is a guy!) Now, of course I am not talking about sick hurtful stuff that would be morally wrong. But He may have certain fantasies that are fun, safe and yes they may be embarrassing … but they may just spice up the bedroom a bit! Lest I seem chauvinistic, girls have fantasies too … guys listen up and play along.
Something else while I’m at it… I have talked with guys who feel so ashamed or shamed by these sexual desires they have for their spouse (notice I didn’t use the word “convicted”… big difference…) … one guy felt bad that he really wanted his wife to dress up in a nurses uniform and role play a little Doctor - Patient exam … he felt that something was wrong with him for wanting that … and so he tried to suppress/hide it, which then lead to a secret addiction to porn where he could live out his fantasies... which drove him further from his wife.
I personally feel and know that had he been able to live out his sexual fantasies with HIS WIFE in the privacy of his own bedroom he would not have felt so tempted to live another life. My thought is (make a note of this one) that if you can live a wonderful fantasy life with your spouse then you’ll most-likely not feel the need to look else where. (not that that justifies it, it's just the truth)
Guys and Gals shouldn’t we should try to treat our mate like a Harlequin Romance book writes? Why can’t a marriage be a Romantic Novel? I believe it can, and should!
To Be Continued… next time I will share how to conquer desires that are sinful, harmful, and morally wrong. Just because we desire something, doesn't mean we should seek to fulfill it, we may need to crucify it!