SEX Chocolate – 5 of 6

Openness

I counsel many couples who do not talk about sex, at least not *openly and honestly with their spouse. I have had many people tell me that they have not and feel that they could not share the deep and sometimes dark parts of their sexual issues with their mate. I personally feel that this is (as I have mentioned before) where we miss the opportunity for real healing to take place.


I remember an encounter Jesus had with the Samaritan women at the Well in John 4 that to me just communicates a message that it’s important to just be honest; when Jesus said to her in verse 16, “Go, call your husband and come back.” “I have no husband,” she replied. Jesus said to her, “You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.”

We many times want to keep our past a secret for fear of what people might think… and I can see that some things are better left unsaid or unshared. We are fearful that, “if they knew THIS about me, they wouldn’t love me, or accept me or like me… so I can not be truthful about the abuse, or my promiscuous past… I will hide it so they’ll never know.”

But that is not how it works in the real world… because YOU know, and it hinders you and your relationships… and this is why many people run from relationship to relationship, marriage to marriage… they are unwilling to face the issues head on and be OPEN and HONEST about it.

*Little side note here for the ladies … your husband has sexual desires and fantasies that would be good for you to hear and possibly fulfill (and do not think he is a pervert… he is not… he is a guy!) Now, of course I am not talking about sick hurtful stuff that would be morally wrong. But He may have certain fantasies that are fun, safe and yes they may be embarrassing … but they may just spice up the bedroom a bit! Lest I seem chauvinistic, girls have fantasies too … guys listen up and play along.

Something else while I’m at it… I have talked with guys who feel so ashamed or shamed by these sexual desires they have for their spouse (notice I didn’t use the word “convicted”… big difference…) … one guy felt bad that he really wanted his wife to dress up in a nurses uniform and role play a little Doctor - Patient exam … he felt that something was wrong with him for wanting that … and so he tried to suppress/hide it, which then lead to a secret addiction to porn where he could live out his fantasies... which drove him further from his wife.

I personally feel and know that had he been able to live out his sexual fantasies with HIS WIFE in the privacy of his own bedroom he would not have felt so tempted to live another life. My thought is (make a note of this one) that if you can live a wonderful fantasy life with your spouse then you’ll most-likely not feel the need to look else where. (not that that justifies it, it's just the truth)

Guys and Gals shouldn’t we should try to treat our mate like a Harlequin Romance book writes? Why can’t a marriage be a Romantic Novel? I believe it can, and should!

To Be Continued… next time I will share how to conquer desires that are sinful, harmful, and morally wrong. Just because we desire something, doesn't mean we should seek to fulfill it, we may need to crucify it!

SEX Chocolate – 4 of 6

There are 2 books that really made a positive impact on my sex life … really making a huge impact on my perspective of the issue...

1) Sacred Sex by Alan Gardner

2) Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman

Because of my past I had a skewed perspective on sex (including women and relationships for that matter); I mean I really didn’t understand what God was thinking when He created sex. But I did know that He created it to be much more sacred/holy/lovely then it is pictured in Hollywood.

I wanted what God wanted for me in the area of sex… I am sure you do as well.

Sex is something sacred and special that we get to celebrate with our mate. It is something that should be enjoyed by BOTH husband AND wife. Neither the husband nor the wife should just endure until it’s over.

I realize that there may be abuse in your past… if so, I would encourage you to read a great book, Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall. And I would also like to add that I am so sorry that you had to suffer that pain!

To be continued…

SEX Chocolate - 3 of 6

My Insecurities

If I’m honest, which to me that is the only way to be, even at the expense of sharing “too much information”. I feel that if my story can help someone else, then I will tell it… the good, the bad and the ugly. This is what I see in the Bible; it not only tells the good things people did, but even the bad stuff. Look at David … wow … had an affair and then had the women’s husband killed … you would have thought he would have left that out … but it’s the truth … my story pails in comparison, yet it is my story … my journey.

I am not sure if it was having 3 father figures by the time I was 7 years old had anything to do with deep seeded insecurities, or if it is because I was a late bloomer and was very unpopular in Junior High… or the fact that I was a bed wetter til I was 14? All I know is that I was incredible insecure and wanted to be liked, accepted and cool.

And truthfully I am not sure that “insecurities” are something deep within our pasts that we necessarily need to dig up to find out WHY… I think we have all have insecurities and the important thing is to conquer them… to overcome them.

For me the best day in my life was when God brought me Jana in 1993 and she helped me face my insecurities and ultimately overcome them. Now of course I still deal with insecurities like every human being, but they typically do not control my actions.

Sometimes I’ve seen spouses ADD TO their mate’s insecurities … not good! Thankfully, for me, Jana helped sooth my insecurities and made me feel secure in our relationship and she helped my feel secure to be me. And, yes most definitely as I grew in my relationship with Christ I was able to find meaning and purpose in my relationship with Him … and as I have grown just naturally.

More later…

P.S. I encourage comments, though I will not post your comment if it’s 1) Anonymous, 2) Mean and Unchristian (like a recent comment I received!)

As with anything I say on my blog I am open for feedback, and discussion but not for people just spewing hateful rhetoric.

SEX Chocolate - 2 of 6

My Promiscuous Past

Losing my virginity when I was 17 lead me down a very promiscuous road of meaningless sexual escapades that left me feeling lonely and empty.

My search was for acceptance, fulfillment, meaning and I guess for …love. But it was like the carrot to the donkey … it eluded me. This was because I was as the songs says, “…looking for love in all the wrong places”.

Now, you may think I am going to say, “then I met God and all was well…” well I’m not, because remember I was already a church going Christian, and I loved God, but there was an emptiness in me that yearned for more attention … to be accepted, to be wanted, to be loved. And every girl I dated (if that is what you call it) still left me wanting more … so I’d jump to the next girl, then the next, then the next … and so on it went for 7 years.

Even when I went to Bible College I struggled with needing to be accepted … to feel loved, and to be valued… and the way I tried to meet that need was through sexual activity … I felt that if a girl would have sex with me that meant she loved me, she valued me, she accepted me … and I wanted to be loved.

To be honest with you I am not sure where the void in my life came from … but I suspect it came from when I was a child… which just further fueled the already heightened male teen testosterone … that was “burning in loins” as the bible says (ha!)

You’ll want to keep reading my story of love that I refer to as my Storybook Marriage w/Jana… because there is a happy, fulfilled and meaningful ending… though it’s only just begun!

To be continued…

SEX Chocolate – 1 of 6

Okay, so I am going to blog about SEX… This is my first time to share my intimate thoughts on sex in a blog for the world to read… but I honesty do feel it will help you to have a very satisfying and fulfilling sex life... it will help if you are confused about sex, or unsatisfied in your sex life, or at least frustrated with your lack of a sex life.

Let me put my disclaimer out there before I get started: I personally, though I was unable to do it myself, think that sex should be experienced only within a committed loving relationship… which is what we call marriage today. Now, you may have a different perspective… but this is my blog! So there… ha ha!

Let’s just face it … and just be honest here shall we, without a ring on the finger the relationship may be loving, passionate, exciting, fun, enjoyable, happy, but it isn’t fully committed... you can walk away without involving an Attorney or a new last name.

Again, just my thoughts here… don’t run away yet… you’ll love what I have to share!

My First Time…

I lost my virginity on February 14, 1987 – in the back seat of an old Buick - I was just 17 years old – it was terrible. I wanted (and wish I would’ve) to save myself for my true love, for the one and only girl I would spend my life with… I wanted to wait till I was married! But as with most teenagers the pressure was just too overwhelming…I was weak and with the wrong girl (I hardly even knew this girl, and I most definitely didn’t love her) at the wrong time with alcohol in my system. Plus, I had seen too many reel to reel pornographic movies that my buddy’s dad had stashed in his basement… it made me curious… I mean the actors looked to be experiencing so much pleasure… could it be true I wondered… I had tasted of the forbidden fruit… and it was bitter.

Oh, and did I mentioned (for those who don’t know me) I was a good little Christian boy – born and raised!

…to be continued!

****Please pass this blog post on to all your friends!****

I Want to Do Bad Things… Pt. 5

So here's the deal... the bible says in Romans 12:2 that we are to “…be transformed by the renewing of your minds so that you may be able to determine what God's will is-what is proper, pleasing, and perfect.”

I think if we are honest... most every human wants to do right and live right (there are always a few wing-nuts out there that this isn't true of...)

That said, I would say that what we LOOK at, what we TOUCH, what we LISTEN to, what we TASTE and what we THINK creates desires and hungers within us. I would contend that we would serve ourselves well to CONTROL or GAURD our minds to make sure we are doing truly what is right.

We should cut off the supply line to the bad lion within us all, and enlarge the feeding tube to the good lion within us all.

Quote: "What we look at, become our thoughts, our thoughts become our dreams, our dreams become actions and our actions lead us to our destiny."

Coming soon... I will be blogging on How to have a fulfilling relationship... and yes I will be talking about SEX! Don't miss it... pass it on to your friends to read!

I Want to Do Bad Things… Pt. 4

Pt. 4 “Taming the lion?”

So how do you and I tame the lion? Here are some super simple tools that I have found to be effective for me and those I have shared them with, yet they only work IF YOU DO THEM and do them consistently. You can’t do it like we do a diet… for 4 weeks we eat the right foods, drink water, lay off fast food, walk the neighborhood and after we lose 10lbs… we return right back to the previous bad habits and gain the 10lbs back, plus 3 extra pounds. What I am sharing here is a life-style change. You ready for it? I hope so.

1) Don’t FEED the BAD animal!

For example if you struggle with lust, then don’t feed that desire through porn or hanging out at Victoria Secrets to fondle every new pair of underwear. I encourage all guys (single and married) to download X3 watch on each of their computers... it's FREE!

To win the battle you must turn off whatever may be feeding the destructive desires in you… and here is the deal, YOU KNOW what those things are! It may be a group of friends who constantly talk negative about their husbands which causes you to grip about your husband… I would get new friends. If you think about the negative in someone, that is all you will ever see!

2) FEED the GOOD animal!

This is an easy one; Philippians 4 says that we should THINK on THINGS that are PURE, GOOD, etc. You must change what you allow your brain to dwell on…too many times we allow our minds to think on negative, bad stuff. We entertain fantasies that can be destructive… unless they are fantasies about and with your spouse!

3) Have someone to TALK to.

Along with the other 2 things I would tell your wife/husband/girlfriend/buddy what those things are that you struggle with. I have told Jana everything about me and how my brain functions… this has opened up for many great and liberating conversations for both of us. Make sure whoever you talk to is a SAFE person to talk to! Very important!

I think it’s really dangerous to have secrets… whether its secret struggles, secret sins, or even secret desires! Tell them… get them in the open!

I Want to Do Bad Things… Pt. 5 “More about how to FEED”

I Want to Do Bad Things… Pt. 3

Pt. 3 “So, what’s the problem?”


Lurking within us all are 2 animals. One desires good things, the other desires bad things. And the strength of either animal determines your actions … ultimately your destiny.

Now, I think we would all agree that there are different degrees of evil lurking within each individual. For example, take a Jeffery Dahmer, he obviously had some serious evil lurking within, and for whatever reason he was unable to control it. I feel those kinds of evil represent a comparatively small percentage of people (compared to the worlds population of 8 billion). Though, I would estimate that there are people who have similar urges, yet are able to control or suppress them, for whatever reason. (*I do not have all the answers to such a complex subject such as this… but I do think I have some answers for HOW to control/suppress them and ultimately transform and change those desires)

But, for you and me, our “bad animal urges” would be considered somewhat normal, if I can say that… yet they are real, and cause a war within. And here is the reality, no matter how good a person is …there is a war within, and I only say that for 2 reasons; 1) if you have evil desires it doesn’t mean you are bad 2) bad desires are common … if you are human.

Read: Romans 7:15 – 24

So, what to do about it? Check back tomorrow…
I Want to Do Bad Things… Pt. 4 “Taming the lion?”

I Want to Do Bad Things… Pt. 2

Pt. 2 “Where it all starts”


Romans 6:23 “For the wages of sin is death; but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ…”

I think this scripture means far more than what it looks like it means at first glance… "For the wages of sin is death…" does that mean we’ll fall over dead if we sin? No. I believe among several things it’s saying it will cause death to whatever we value, whether it's our faith, a relationship, a career or our self-esteem. For example, I value my relationship with God, with Jana, with my kids, with my church, with my friends, with people in this community and around the world who have perceptions of God and ministers…I don’t want to contribute to an already negative perception.

I want to do bad things, and many times I do … but what is it that keeps me from doing them are the “wages they pay”. For example; I want to go to a strip club… but I don’t and actually never have (hard to believe I am sure)… but again it’s not from a lack of desire… it’s the results I don’t want… I do not want to damage all the relationships I mentioned above… besides Jana ending my life, or worse removing my manhood.

And, not just the results (or wages) of Jana being upset with me… actually the results of what that would do to my heart, mind and soul. So, would I go to heaven if I died while in a Strip Club? YES. So, this isn’t a Heaven or Hell issue… except that it may cause “hell on earth” for you. This is an issue of our heart… going to a Strip Club would mess up my heart and the Bible says that I should “Guard your heart more than anything else, because the source of your life flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23

I Want to Do Bad Things… Pt. 3 “So, what’s the problem?”

I Want to Do Bad Things - pt 1

Today I celebrate 14 years of marriage to the same gorgeous women. Neither Jana nor I are perfect… if anyone is close to perfection it would be Jana… and yet in spite of our faults we have managed to build a fulfilling, even happy marriage and home.

I say that to now say this; I am tempted to do things that would attack if not destroy what Jana and I share (i.e. Adultery, look at porn, go to strip clubs, live like a college student on Spring Break, not be Sweet, I only want to touch IF it’s going to lead to something, ignore her feelings, live for myself, etc.) The list could go on of things we all do to destroy our relationships.

Why/How can we keep ourselves from these things? … especially those at the front of the list …Committing Adultery, looking at Porn, going to Strip Clubs, and Living like a college student on Spring Break can be deal breakers for a marriage… as many of you well know, or know of someone who does know. But actually, I think the damage goes deeper than that ... it's the personal "heart" damage we inflict on ourselves that really messes things up!

More on that on the morrow...
I Want to Do Bad Things… Pt. 2 “Where it all starts”