A Guide for Dating After 40

1) *Take Time to Heal.

It's important to take the time necessary to deal with the loss of a Marriage/Relationship, especially if it was a lengthly marriage/relationship. You can't share life with someone for 10 years, get divorced and be over it in 2 weeks and be ready to be back on the market. Take time to heal from the hurt. If you don't, you are only bringing baggage into the new relationship and that isn't good for anyone.

The unwritten rule is 1 year for every 10 years married. So if you were married or in a serious relationship for 15 years, that means you should wait 1 year 6 months before hitting the dating world. But this rule isn't a hard and fast rule, it's more of a guide.

* This applies to those who have been divorced, or have had a longterm relationship go bad.

2) Learn from Your Mistakes.

Let's face it, typically in any break up 2 people are at fault, maybe it was 70% him, and only 30% you, but both should take some ownership in why it fell a part. So, learn what was your part of the mess, and grow and become better for the next relationship. For example, if in your previous relationship you would run and hide from conflict, therefore nothing was ever getting resolved, learn not to do that the next time,  because it doesn't work! 

3) Know What You Want and Don't Want.

Don't settle for someone you know down deep isn't a fit for you. It's not worth the heartache for either of you. Be patience. Write down the things that are non-negotiable, the things that are important to you, the things that you prefer, and finally the things that are negotiable. I am surprised at how important Religion, for example, is to people and then they throw it all away because their in-love! In my counseling practice that never works out very well.

I teach that you should FIND yourself in a relationship, NOT LOSE yourself! 

4) Get Out There.

I meet so many older singles who just work all the time and never have any fun or give themselves free time to meet people. If they don't want to be with anyone ever, that is totally fine! But if you are wanting to meet someone at some point then it is important to get yourself out there. Let people know you are available, in a tactful way of course! Don't be weird or creepy about it.

This might mean signing up for an online dating service, taking fitness classes, joining an athletic team, take some classes, being an active member of a local church community, etc. 

5) Don't Be Desperate.

Nothing is more attractive then a confident person, and nothing is more unattractive than a desperate needy person. Ha ha! We've all see those types! Be cool, and just be you! 

Too many times when I counseling someone who is over 30 and dating they are consumed with the whole idea of "finding Mr. or Miss Right" and that is the wrong focus,I teach you should work more on "being Mr. or Miss Right" rather than looking for Mr. or Miss Right. Make sense? Be you, be happy ... then when the right person meets you he/she is meeting the real you and when they like you, it's good because it is the real you they like, not the person you were trying to make them believe you were.

6) Pray for God's Guidance and Wisdom

Even as a Christian, who would say they believe in prayer, forget this very important "dating" component. Ya know, it makes sense to get God's thoughts on a perspective partner I would think. We all need God's wisdom in dealing with life, and dating is something I believe God is very interested in helping us with.

Your Life Matters!

Slay Your Demon (2 of 3)

Much like the story of David and Goliath our "inner demons" can seem too big to defeat, but "with God all things are possible" and "greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world". We can win the fight to live right. So let's continue talking about how to "Slay Your Inner Demon."

3) Share with a trusted friend the demons you fight - This can be very scary, but vulnerability can literally save your life. It has saved me many times! I learned years ago that sharing my struggles was the best thing in conquering my struggles. Sharing my demons with trusted friends actually helped to empower me to keep fighting against them and win! Plus, frankly it took something that was in darkness and brought it to light and helped to hold me accountable.

If you are married, I pray you are as fortunate as I am and can tell your spouse about your demon! She has been the biggest help in keeping me strong and safe.

4) Always keep your guard up - Always protect yourself. Again, this is why #1 Knowing Your Demon is so important. It's so important to always stay on guard. I call this, "Having Healthy Boundaries." Like I said, knowing your struggle is critical because you can set boundaries up around yourself to protect yourself from external temptation.

We already wrestle the demon within (thinking about doing bad in our mind or dreams) but to coupe that with an opportunity to "do what you are wrestling with doing already in your mind" is a recipe for disaster.

There are times that my struggle is worse than others. Meaning, there are times it's almost like I have no demon to wrestle, I sometimes feel like, "yay I must have killed it!" Than a couple months go by and it's resurrected. This is why I always keep my guard up.

5) Starve Your Demon - This means do not feed your demon! You only made the craving more intense. You must starve it. For example if your demon is *lust, do not fuel that lust with lyrics, images, or people that will only inflame and agitate your inner struggle. The weird thing about the lust struggle is that sexual images do not satisfy the craving, it actually intensifies it. It makes it worse. Sexual images actually feed the demon of lust.

(*I will do a blog this week just on that one demon; LUST, and how to cage it and even tame it! I will give thoughts and things I hope will help both the single person and the married person!)

6) Feed Your Spirit - This is absolutely critical to your survival, coupled with previous point! Your inner man, your spirit man, which I would consider the REAL you, the God part of you,  this is the part of you that wants to do right, be right and live right. You must build this part of you up by 1) Reading the right things, 2) Saying the right things, 3) Believing the right things, 4) Looking at the right things, and finally, 5) Doing the right things.

To Be Continued ...

Slay Your Inner Demon (1 of 3)

"We all have inner demons to fight. We call these demons 'fear' and 'hatred' and 'anger'. If you don't conquer them, then a life of 100 years is a tragedy. But if you do a life of one day can be a triumph." - Bruce Lee (From the Movie: Dragon) 

One of the things we all deal with is, what many refer to as, our "inner demons." Whether these are born of insecurities, things we lack, irreversible past treatment, deep dark desires, unmet needs, unquenched thirsts, or simply fears, they are real. Many people are tortured daily by their demons and if we let them, they will drag us down to the pit of darkness, despair and eventually, if we give in, they will lead to our destruction. Even if you do not give in to them they often work as a distraction, keeping us from the life God desires for us.

So, what you and I want to know is what the freak to do about it? I mean, how can we not let our demons ruin our life?

Side note: I can hear in my head someone saying, "Just denounce them. Don't acknowledge them, then they won't get a foothold in your life." I'm sorry, but that's just so ignorant, in my humble opinion. That's like ignoring or not acknowledging when the doctor says you have cancer. Also, I am uncertain if we can ever completely rid ourselves of our demons. And when I say "demons" I am not talking about an actual demon, but rather our carnal selfish flesh, our sinful nature - the part of us that wants to do whatever the hell we want, when we want and with who we want. You understand? I am not talking about demon possession. That's a whole other teaching.

1) Know Your Demon - What I mean is that we should know what our struggle is; know your enemy. I think most of us do know what our demon is - whether Lust, Pride, Fear, Insecurities, etc. When you know your demon, you know not to give in, and you know it's not God speaking to you. Make sense? Know what voice belongs to who. Many times all this takes is a little commonsense. I find the Holy Spirit to be a HUGE help in knowing and identifying my demon.

For example: I know that when I feel like skipping church, its the Devil speaking to me. I know God wouldn't be asking me to skip church, and I know that the Devil isn't going to encourage faithful church attendance. I know when I feel like being selfish and not supporting my church financially, it's the Devil. I know God encourages generosity. (I am sure there is some one who would like to dispute this obvious point, but I am speaking generally here ... of course we all know there are always exceptions to most rules. But frankly a person who would want to dispute this is only attempting to justify why they are stingy and not obeying God. People who are generous would agree with this principle 100%)

Let me continue; I know it's not God telling me to run off with some other woman and leave my wife and kids. Duh! But how many of us know people who have done this and have actually claimed it was God? But even commonsense would tell you that is something you should not do, but it happens all the time. I could go on with example after example, but you get the point. Know your demon!

2) Don't Obey Your Demon - This seems so easy, doesn't it? But it's a lot harder than it sounds, huh? How many times have we considered doing what our demon is asking us to do. Even with the above examples? It's strange how the demon can make something that is so wrong seem so right. Our demon makes it seem like such a great idea, saying things like, "You deserve it" or "You don't want to miss out on that ..." or "It will make you so happy ..." and so many other tempting one liners. 

I have helped people through these very struggles and always thought, "how can they not see that this is so stupid" until I faced some of the very same demons speaking to me. Wow, it's real, and not always easy when you are the one wrestling the demon. Often the craziest thing can be so tempting.

What I have learned is so very helpful here, is to have good trustworthy friends, who are people of character who you can go to and they can confirm for you, "dude, that's crazy! Don't do it!" Then your response should be, "Okay, I won't!" I can't tell you how many people have come to me about something I have said, "Dude, that's crazy! Don't do it!" To only have them go ahead and do it, and later regret it.

1 John 4:4 You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.

To Be Continued ... 

2014 Easter Reflection

Wow, we did it! Another Easter successfully accomplished! Easter does stress me out a bit, not in a bad way, in a good way. It’s an exciting stress, if there is such a thing. For many it’s the one church service they will attend, and I feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility to preach the Gospel Message clearly so it’s not lost on the hearer.

Our church has a history of doubling on Easter. So whatever we run on a normal Sunday, double that number and that is our Easter! So, as you can imagine it’s a bit crazy getting ready for it. I am so proud of the Mercy Church community! Our Dream Team, those who volunteer, rose to the occasion and did a great job making sure everyone who attended feel welcomed and loved. I received several emails from first time Easter attendees, here is just one:

Pastor Timmy, 

I attended church Easter Sunday for the first time with my roommate XXXXX. I grew up Catholic & have lost my interest in church within the last few years. My roommate suggested I go with her & see what it was like. I enjoyed your service very much. I felt so welcomed & did not feel "lost" during the service at all. I really enjoyed the Church's freelance style while at the same time being organized. I had a great first time experience & want to thank you for that. It’s refreshing to attend a service that was about ME as an individual yet still centered around God. I really like what you guys have going on, & I will definitely attend in the future. 

Thank you!! - Emily 

Easter, to me, is a forecast of what is to come for our church. Or at least what is possible if we will be faithful with what God has already given us. It’s a glimpse of what could be or should be for Mercy Church if we will all rally together and cease the moment! I believe that every Sunday can be Easter!

SPECIAL THANKS: 

For those who were at our Easter know that we had a power outage right as service was to begin (only on Easter, right!) and our Worship Team Member, Scott Nance played his violin marvelously to entertain the crowd while we scrambled to get the power back on. And thanks to Dustin Matzek, a Dream Team Member, we found the switch and got us back on! It was a interesting start to a service, but all ended well! 

BEST NEWS OF ALL: 

Several people prayed a Prayer to dedicate and/or rededicate their lives to Christ on Easter, and that’s what it’s all about – getting people to commit their lives to Christ! Amen!

Is My Life Half Over?

If the average lifespan of a man is 75, that means today, April 14th, as I celebrate my 45th birthday my life is more than half over! Dang that means I have 30 years left! Though I figure with being a vegetarian, “eating twigs and berries…” as my friend Chad jokes, “you should live to be 324!” I do expect to live into my 90’s without much problem, but still even then I have lived half my life. Still my thought is, “dang!” I have so much more to do, I better get busy doing it!

I assume I am officially “middle-aged” now… why do I NOT like the sound of that?! Seriously! I had another friend say, “Man, don’t you hate birthdays?” To which I responded, “No, it’s so much better than the alternative – not having a birthday!” Boom, Ha ha! I truly hope that no matter what I will truly feel what I feel today, that each day is a precious gift from God! Thank you God, seriously! Life is good.

Clarification: Saying, “Life is good!” Doesn't mean that everything in my life is good or always goes well or that nothing bad ever happens, but it’s an attitude of the heart. It might be better said, “God is good, and life is what it is!”

THANKFUL

I am thankful to be having a birthday! I am also very thankful to be healthy, somewhat sane, to be married (and happy about it) and she is my first wife (and hopefully my only). I have 2 beautiful healthy children, a job I truly love, friends who are true friends, both my parents are still alive, and a set of grandparents on my Mother’s side too!

There is something weird about the 40’s that is fascinating though. It’s almost like I find myself looking at what I don’t have more than appreciating all that I do have, like the skin on my neck that used to be really tight. Do you do that? I need to stop that. There are some good things that started happening when I hit 40. I started to calm down and began to desire and even appreciate simpler things. I feel the need to remove the clutter, the excess in my life. I want to ENJOY life more, like a good cigar and a good Brandy in the company of good friends, and not just be so busy busy! Things that used to matter to me don’t matter anymore, and the things that are really important, like my hair for example begin to really matter! LMAO (Laugh My Angel Off - the Christian version)! ON a serious note, I mean things like marriage, family, friendships, career (making a difference), doing what I love with those I love, that's what matters. I also have been craving reading time, (that sounded old right there). I also find myself just refusing to stress (still struggle occasionally) but I just don’t have time for it. It does me no good to stress over something I cannot control. I find myself saying more and more, “it is what it is!” 

So there you go, I turned 45 today, and I am happy about it, though the thought of 50 only being 5 years away is really weird for me, I've always felt that people who were 50 were old. I am working on changing my thoughts on that!

Over-all I am thrilled with my life up to this point, of course I have things I wish were different, I think that is normal and even if it’s not I still wrestle with it. I am constantly reflecting on how to get where I want to be, and hope to never just settle in and get complacent. I am still eager to not just leave a legacy, but to make a difference.

Bottom line: I would want to be missed if I was gone! Wouldn't you?

NO CRIME FOR A WEEK

We are in the midst of Lent. For the Christian, Lent is a time of self-reflection, sacrifice, fasting, soul searching and spiritual renewal as we approach Easter Sunday.

As I have been doing my own reflecting I felt compelled to issue a challenge to the Mercy Church congregation I serve and the city we live in, Kansas City, to LIVE HOLY THE WEEK OF HOLY WEEK - April 13 – 19. Unfortunately “living holy” can and often means different things to different people, so allow me to clarify.

I am NOT referring to a bunch of rules that the religious-church-folk often impose on us, like NO Drinking, NO Dancing, NO rated “R” movies, NO reading Harry Potter Books and definitely NO Tattoos! These are only some of the ridiculous man-made “religious” rules that we thought if we could adhere to would get God to like us more. I was raised in that legalistic culture and now see why so many people who came from that no longer attend church. It’s heart-breaking!

Leviticus 11:44 “For I am the LORD your God. Consecrate yourselves therefore, and be holy, for I am holy.” - NASB 

When I say “LIVE HOLY” I am referring to 3 things primarily that, if not all at least one, will make sense to you I am sure:

1) Keep the 10 Commandments 

ONE: 'You shall have no other gods before Me.' TWO: 'You shall not make for yourself a carved image--any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.' THREE: 'You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.' FOUR: 'Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.' FIVE: 'Honor your father and your mother.' SIX: 'You shall not murder.' SEVEN: 'You shall not commit adultery.' EIGHT: 'You shall not steal.' NINE: 'You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.' TEN: 'You shall not covet…’

2) Live by the Golden Rule

Matthew 7:12 "So whatever you wish that men would do to you, do so to them; for this is the Law and the prophets." - RSV 

3) Love your Neighbor as yourself 

Matthew 22:36-40 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law? Jesus replied: love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments” 

I am convinced that if we will commit to live holy the week of Holy Week it will not only impact us personally but also our churches, our friends, our neighbors, our cities and the world we live in.

On a very practical level let me give a bit more detail; the bible clearly states that we should “obey the laws of the land” as long as they do not hinder us from serving Christ, so included in this challenge is for us to live as law abiding citizens … no speeding (this is going to be a huge sacrifice for me, ha ha! I have a really heavy foot!), wear your seat belt, if you have had too much to drink - call a Taxi or a friend to drive you home, etc.

I can feel some of you rolling your eyes … listen take the challenge to Live Holy for one week, come on! You’ll be glad you did! Here’s the deal… if every person in Kansas City would do this it would be like utopia … like Heaven … everyone caring, giving and loving … it would be awesome! Crime would stop completely! Amazing! Wouldn't it be cool to see crime stand still for one week in our city, or whatever city you live in? I think so!

Blessings!

The Movie Noah

I haven’t even seen the movie so I hesitate to even write a blog about it, but I must I must I must! Because what I am going to say is more about the controversy surrounding the movie than the movie itself. And I plan on seeing it this weekend, so I may share more thoughts following the viewing.

The reason I feel so compelled to write about the new big screen movie, Noah, is the Evangelical Christian Community which I am a part of, although not always proud of that, are having a hissy fit over it. And I must share my Evangelical Bible Believing thoughts so people can know we are not all alike in our views and judgment.

First, I do not remember hearing Darren Aronofsky, the film’s creator, ever mentioning that he is attempting to tell a Biblical story with absolute accuracy, except that the title of the film is a character name from the Bible. He hasn't said, to my knowledge, anything about trying to adhere to the scriptural text of the Christian Faith that I and so many others hold dear. It’s a movie. Just like Chronicles of Narnia which was awesome, but not a story you can follow along with in your Bible. It’s a movie for entertainment.

I've read blogs from various Evangelicals who are screaming, “Aronofsky is planting a deeper hidden message … deception, deception, bla, bla, bla!” It reminds me of the early 1980’s cassette tape burnings we had in church youth group because the devil was in the Rock Music … backward masking! The hidden message in all the Rock Music when you played it backwards. Ha ha! Funny really, cause I never listened to Rock Music backwards until that time! I so wish I had all those cassette tapes, they’d be worth a lot of money today!

The bottom line for me, a movie lover, is that I do not go to movies to develop my Biblical perspective. I do not go to the movies to learn about stories in the Bible. I do not go to movies to be discipled. I do not go to movies to find out how God created this world, or how He worked through one man and his family to save the world. I know this already from Biblical study, I don’t go to a movie to teach me Biblical truths. I go to movies to be entertained, amazed, captured, touched, carried away, and to escape into an unknown world (and other reasons I can’t think of right now.)

I think that had Darren Aronofsky entitled the movie, Timmy, he wouldn't have had any problems from the Evangelical Community, though I would have been thrilled. He is a smart man, lots of buzz surrounding his movie that he didn't even have to pay for, like this post right here!

My advice to the Christian, just watch Noah like you do every other film you go see, without thinking you know how it should be, or how it should end, or if it aligns with your Biblical knowledge of the actual story of Noah. Just watch it for what it is ... a Hollywood Movie entitled, Noah. Enjoy!

Love is Whack-A-Doodle

I was talking to a friend the other day about Love, Marriage, Friendship and Dating, and she said, “Love is whack-a-doodle!” After I picked myself up off the floor from laughing so hard I got to thinking how that’s really a profound way to express the complications of love. Love really is whack-a-doodle sometimes!

Have you been in-love with someone who didn't love you back? Have you had a marriage you thought would last forever end in divorce? Have you been in search of love and it just continues to allude you? Have you ever had your heart broken?

I am sure you answered yes to at least one of the questions above! I know I did! I think “Love is whack-a-doodle” means, it doesn't always make sense. It’s confusing at times. It’s weird. It’s difficult. It is painful. It’s not easy. It’s pure joy. It’s heartache. It’s a choice, but not always an easy choice. Sometimes it’s a feeling, but not always. It’s whack-a-doodle!

I think there is one scripture that isn't used for marriage all that much, but should be because I have found it to be a huge asset to having a healthy happy relationship and it is found in Colossians 3:13 “Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” 

 Now I must get this out there because like anything you can take scripture to an unhealthy extreme and get goofy! There is a lid to “making allowance for each other’s faults” this does not mean you allow someone to abuse you, walk all over you, treat you horribly, live a life of blatant sin with no recourse, etc. There is a time you must say, “Enough is enough, I must walk away!” But, in my counseling practice I typically see couples making very little allowance for each other’s faults! It’s like they expect perfection, at least from their mate, but want lots of grace in return. I think we all do this on some level. But I think it’s more than just making allowance for faults, but being willing to work to get through the faults to the healthy happier other side. “Making allowance” doesn't mean you are just shrugging an offense off, or ignoring an offense, but rather being willing to work through an offense. Make sense?

Life is about learning and growing with each passing moment. If you are in a relationship make sure to always work on “making allowance” which to me means to work on working through the faults.

Irreconcilable differences

I blog a lot about love and marriage because they are dear to my heart. I consider them to be critical parts to living a full happy life. When our relationships are going well it makes the rest of life better.

One of the main reasons people can go from loving each other like crazy to hating each other and feeling crazy is this whole idea of reconciliation. When we are at odds with someone we need to find a way to reconcile whatever the issue is. And what often keeps us from reconciling is pride, as well as hurt feelings and selfishness. I am right and you are wrong, of course!

To me reconciliation doesn’t mean we end up agreeing. It may mean we end up agreeing to disagree. I hate that I have used that line here, but it fits. When people speak of “irreconcilable differences” they are often referring to some thing they couldn’t reconcile, so it becomes irreconcilable. I personally feel there are only a couple things that are irreconcilable. But most everything else is totally reconcilable, you just gotta reconcile them. And to do that you need to reconcile.

In order to reconcile both people must remove the bullets and place the guns on the table. And really listen to the position of the person they are in relationship with. What they feel! Why they feel that way! And why it is important to them! Then you wrestle through to the point of being able to reconcile the issue. And when you reconcile it’s not always a 50/50 deal, sometimes it’s a 70/30 or even 80/20 deal. But trust me, there will come a time when it goes the other way and it becomes a 20/80 deal.

Happy marriages (committed relationships) are a give and take! And sometimes on some issues one does more giving and the other does more taking. But there will come a time when the one that did the taking will do more of the giving. It will go back and forth like this till one or both of you die. This is why you will often hear me say that marriage is most difficult for people who are super selfish! Because they only want to take, not give. And that doesn’t work.

Bottom line, if you are in a relationship and have an issue that needs reconciliation, be vigilant to reconcile whatever it is you need to reconcile! It’s worth it!

Ash Wednesday x 1

Please enjoy this blog by my friend and fellow Teaching Pastor at Mercy Church, Chris Miller!

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I grew up a Baptist … and today is a weird day.

It's Ash Wednesday. It's a day when people go to church and have ash put on their foreheads. Growing up as part of a denomination that did not typically celebrate it, I never understood what it was about. The first time one of my friends showed up at school with this marking on his head, I tried to help him wipe it off. I mean, why would someone want dirt on their face?

Now that I am in seminary, I have had a chance to learn a little bit more about this special (or weird) day on the church calendar. It's the first day of Lent — a period of time (40 days + 6 Sundays) leading up to Easter. Lent is a time of reflection and preparation. It's about getting ready to celebrate the resurrection of Christ. 

Why start it off by putting ash on your forehead?

Because ashes represent death and Ash Wednesday is about … well, death. It's a day to remember that we are going to die. It's about facing the fact that we will not be here forever. Life is short.

I know that sounds pretty depressing. Nobody wants to think about their own death or the shortness of their life. But there's a reason we do this.

And that reason can best be describe using Super Mario Brothers.

For anyone who's ever played a video game, something that happens when you have one life left. When you have a ton of lives, you don't focus on what you are doing. You know that if you die, it's no big deal. You run around aimlessly and press buttons carelessly. Your lack of focus leads to dumb mistakes and you never really accomplish anything. There's no discipline involved.

However, when you have one life left, you know you have to make it count. This is it. Every move matters. You focus and avoid dumb mistakes … and you hopefully accomplish something. You concentrate on making it to the next level. Unlike before, you are disciplined.

There is something about death that makes us value life. Knowing we only get one Mario makes us focus on running in the right direction and pressing the right buttons. The book of James reminds of this, saying, "What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." It goes on to say that if we know what we should do, we should do it. Life is short. Make the most of it.

And that is what Lent is about. It's about discipline. It's about making changes in life to get the most out of life. It's about giving up the things we don't need and taking on the things we do need. It's about preparing ourselves for the next level. So today we start Lent … by remembering death.

Chris Miller 
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