PMS

You may be thinking, “What is a guy doing talking about PMS?” well I am not going to talk about it in the context of PMS in the medical-womanly-monthly-deal … dear Lord help me! Ha!

I just wanted to let my life be an open book and tell you that I (along with other men I know) have PMS from time to time too. I woke up yesterday in what I would call a “pissy” mood (I am sorry if that word offends you … it’s just the best word to describe my mood yesterday … so forgive me).

Have you ever had those days? Weeks? Months? Years? When you are not totally sure why, but you are just unhappy. And it’s no ONE thing, it’s EVERY thing? You’re unhappy about the job, the car, the kids, the spouse, the house, the neighbors, the boss, the employees, the parents, the clothes, how the clothes fit, lack of money to buy new ones and the stinking little pesky animal running around that the kids said they wanted who is peeing in every corner of your stupid house? Been there?

I think if we are honest (which is the best way to be) we have all had those days. So the question is what to do about them? That is a great question, which I have been working through myself the last couple days. Here is what I am learning:

1) Don’t make any sudden moves (i.e. quit your job, murder your pet, etc.)

2) Keep doing what you KNOW is right (i.e. I have flashbacks of High School days, and think “I’ll make it all better by drinking a 6 pack of Coors Light … then I’ll feel better”.) But I refrain.

3) Hold your tongue (i.e. don’t spew all the hate that is rumbling in your head towards those closest to you. Continue to love.)

4) Talk to a trusted friend (i.e. Call a friend and say, “I am having a terrible day… and just spill it.)

5) Ask God to reveal to you the source of this mood

Let’s not over-spiritualize or over-dramatize this, sometimes we just have a bad day and it’s a part of life and it’s no big deal. But if “bad days” are frequent, then you may want to dig a bit deeper to find out WHY!

Much love!

The Bedroom 3 of 3

For those of you wondering this blog series, The Bedroom, was a result of a question I received a week ago. For that person and you I hope it has given you some things to think about and consider, that in the end will help you and your spouse have the most rewarding and fulfilling love life!

Now I will address the final question asked about sexual positions and what is appropriate…

III. Sexual Positions
To answer the question directly; "are any and all sex positions okay to try within marriage?" Yes, of course following the guidelines I laid out earlier in the blog series.

I would get a Kama sutra book! Everyone who is married should go purchase this kind of book today! There are many to choose from… just go to Barnes and Noble WITH YOUR SPOUSE and pick one, or order off Amazon.com which may be a bit more private for those of you who care. Some are more explicit then others, I encourage the cartoon drawing ones. Then, each night pick a different position to try.

This is what makes marriage fresh and fun, rather then boring and predictable. I am telling you, boring and predictable often leads to dissatisfaction and divorce! And obviously dissatisfaction can lead to making unhealthy choices that are very destructive.

I am very conservative in many ways, but also very liberal… actually we are all more conservative then others on some issues and more liberal than others on other issues. I am pretty conservative when it comes to marriage and the family!

Whether you agree or not with what I have shared, I hope at least it drives you to have some great conversations that in the end will bless your life!

Keep the questions coming!

A Name

When I was born my name was Timothy Joe Hakanson. And yes, my first name is a bible name… this is why the 2 greatest books in the Bible are 1st and 2nd Timothy!

My mother remarried a wonderful man when I was 6 and he later adopted me and my sister. My name was changed to Timothy Joe Gibson. In pre-school everyone called me Timmy, expect my Grandfather (Papa) who called me Timbo, actually still calls me that. I was too old for Timmy by Kindergarten, after which I demanded everyone call me by my adult name, Tim Gibson.

I went by the name Tim Gibson up through high school, though when I graduated high school I was somewhat mature and secure enough to entertain my fond childhood name, Timmy. And by the time I was a sophomore in college I had made the mature/secure leap back to Timmy.

I laugh many times when I introduce myself to people… “Hi, I am Timmy”, “Hi, did you say Tim or …?” “Yes I really go by Timmy”, “oh, Tim-my, gotcha” … then there's an uncomfortable gaze.

So, what does your name mean?

Timothy Honoured by God "Greek"

You are highly perceptive and intuitive with a wonderful imagination and the ability to manifest your dreams in reality. You are able to create joy, security and harmony for yourself and in the lives of others by the support and dedication which you give. Often the centre of influence people admire your fine qualities and follow your example. Much happiness is gained through your willingness to serve good causes.

The BEDROOM 2 of 3

*I realize there may be some of you reading this that think I am very old fashion and even an irrelevant prude (a “goofy Christian” I can hear some say). For those of you who feel that way need to read my personal story in my blog entry entitled SEX Chocolate. I’ve lived the “wild” life, and it left me empty, lonely and sad … so I speak from my heart … and only from my experience. So if you are currently living the “wild” life, don’t judge me, cause I honestly do not judge you. I want you to experience true love, meaning and purpose in life!


II. What is okay (sexually) within the marriage?

Now that is a great question that many people, especially Christians are asking! Obviously this is something that should be discussed with your spouse in detail, BUT there are some fundamental things to build from:

1) No additional partners, duh this would be considered adultery. Even if a spouse agrees, it’s still adultery. At the end of our life we stand before God, not our spouse. Even though guys often dream of the days of Solomon who had 700 wives… sorry, even though that sounds exciting, it’s not okay.
a. I would even go as far to say that to include pornographic movies is bad. (if you want to know specifically why… leave a comment please!)
b. Though, I would say that sex toys are fine IF, and ONLY IF you and your spouse agree to incorporate them in some way.

2) Nothing harmful.

3) Nothing degrading.

4) Must be agreed upon. Anything forced is wrong! If I can just be real honest here, any guy who would force something on his wife is an idiot! If you really love someone you would never “force” them to do anything they don’t want to do. (If she does not want to engage in any sexual activity at all, even then you would not force it, but I would drive to a counselor’s office to get that worked out today.) Now occasionally “begging” is okay. Ha! I’ve heard of spouses who have used guilt to get their mate to do certain things… not okay! Like saying, “honey the bible says that you are to submit to my desires and do such-n-such to meet my need…” If your husband says that, slap him in the face and say that was from Pastor Timmy. Come on, a marriage should be a mutually fulfilling relationship where both the husband and the wife are happy, free, and fulfilled. No spouse should feel as though they are enslaved…

5) Experiment and SHARE your fantasies w/spouse … role playing (i.e. Doctor & patient or Cops & Robbers, or Office rendezvous (w/spouse) Dress up, wearing masks, etc. All these things are completely acceptable in my opinion IF YOU ARE cool with it and the above guidelines are followed.)

To me if you do not have a fulfilling relationship, which includes your sex life, with your spouse it leaves the door open for “other” relationships to develop. I think we should do everything we can to nurture and cultivate a very passionate relationship with the person you are married to!

Remember this is just my opinion, you do not have to agree … and we can still be friends!

More tomorrow...

The BEDROOM 1 of 3

*The following blog entry includes some explicit material… though done tastefully!

Thanks for your open and honest question Cleardensity!

I taught a series just last year called “The Best Sex Ever”, I’ll send the DVD’s to you for free if you want… email info@olathelifefellowship.org with your request and mailing address.

I. Oral Sex – This is using the mouth and/or tongue on the sex organ.

1) Is oral sex … sex? Despite what former president Bill Clinton says, yes it is sex! So, I am going to seem old fashion here, but that means that you should not engage in oral sex outside of a committed relationship (which is marriage).

2) Is oral sex okay within the context of a committed relationship (which is marriage)? Yes! Nowhere in scripture is oral sex forbidden. I believe God made the mouth for kissing, and what we kiss on our mate is our choice. Heb. 13:3-5

Here is the deal; if you think oral sex is wrong, then don’t do it! But don’t judge those who are free to do this… Paul teaches on this is the epistles when the Jews were trying to put the new Christian gentiles in bondage with their strict eating laws… don’t judge another person because they are free to eat meat… and you who are free don’t judge those who don’t eat meat! Same applies here.

Here is where the rub is; the wife is for it, and the husband isn’t. What do you do? Somewhere there needs to be a compromise. I feel that if a couple really loves each other then they want to please, and satisfy each other, and if oral sex is something they would like, then why not. Then on the other hand, if a couple really loves each other they wouldn’t want their spouse to feel pressured or uncomfortable … so again, there must be a compromise that both can be satisfied with.

Tomorrow… what is okay “sexually” within a marriage?

A Life that MATTERS

What does it mean to live a life that matters?

That is a great question for each of us to ask ourselves. Too many times we do not stop and ask ourselves the hard questions of life; what am I living for… in other words am I living for a grand purpose? Or is life just about me and mine?

I encourage you to stop sometime today for at least 10 minutes and reflect on your life, your purpose, God’s purpose and the direction your life is heading… and then ask yourself; am I going in the right direction?

Live a life that matters!

No LIFE

Top 10 signs you have no life outside church:

1) TBN is your favorite TV Channel
2) You still listen to your cassettes of Petra, Stryper, and the Imperials
3) You have no friends outside your church friends
4) You read every book in the Left Behind series and hope they keep coming out with more.
5) You own and wear the T-shirt pictured above.

6) When someone says “How are you?” you say, “Praise God Im more than a conqueror through Christ who strengthens me”.
7) Just after you sip a good cup of coffee you shout “Glory to God” even while in the coffee shop.
8) When your car breaks down you actually lay hands on it and pray that it is healed.
9) You actually own stock in the company that created WWJD.
10) When you refer to anything other than church you put the word “secular” in front of it.

Praise His name, have a blessed day in the Lord Brother!

Your friend in Christ,

Rev. Timmy Gibson

Coming Next Week ... If 4 out of 10 identify you... why that's kind of scary!

Free to be ME

My experience in church (which is not everyone’s experience) when I was growing up was pretty good, though I felt I had to hide who I was (not that I was bad, just I was not your normal suit-wearing churchy person with a clean cut hairdo)… and as I have grown in my relationship with Christ I realize I am *free to be me! And that is what is so exciting about being a pastor of a church that allows, and even encourages people to be who God made them to be. We do not have a model or box we are trying to fit people into.

Of course my church when I was growing up said “you’re free to be you” but…what you also heard was “we need you to cut your hair, wears a suit, quit smoking, quit listening to rock music, definitely stop the dancing, remove your tattoo … if you want to fit in and belong here”. It’s like the church that says, “everyone is welcome”… but when the prostitute came to a service she was made to feel like she didn’t belong … unless she was willing to wear different clothing, remove the make-up and wear flat shoes.

What I have learned as I have grown in my relationship with Christ is that there is no clean up we need to do before we come to God… it’s a come as you are deal! And if He sees fit to change someone… great, then allow Him to work in that person’s life to do that. Too many times we in the church think we are God and we know just what people need to do.

For me, I never fit into what I considered to be the pastor mold. It’s just not me… I like loud motorcycles, tattoos, dancing with my wife and an occasional cigar AND I love Jesus with all my heart… wow, is that possible? It is! This is one reason I really fought with God over becoming a pastor. I felt I didn’t fit the mold and He must be making a mistake to want me. But for whatever reason God persisted and I relented.

*I know most of you get what I am saying here, but you always have a few up-tight people who read into things so I am forced to clarify so as to make sure I am clear…when I say, “free to be me” I am not saying that God just wants to leave us in our sin and depravity and/or brokeness and be happy about it! Dah! Of course God wants us to be transformed into what He has created us to be… but that’s just it, GOD does the transforming work in people’s lives, HE works in a person’s heart better than we ever could. And frankly we, as mere humans, don’t know just what God is doing in people.

Honestly, I think we need more faith in the transforming work of the Holy Spirit in people’s lives!

SEX Chocolate 6 of 6

Here are 3 great ways to live our lives to hopefully keep ourselves from doing whatever could destroy our marriage, and/or our kid’s lives.

1) Work hard at developing a great relationship with your spouse!

This is probably the biggest one of all… typically, not always, but 99% of the time when I talk to couples who find themselves in a bad place (Affair, No feelings of love, etc.) it’s because one or the other has let the ball drop. What I mean by that is that for a fire to really be hot it needs to be stoked constantly… same for a marriage; you must keep it fresh… both couples must be on the offensive... by that I mean aggressively LOVING each other!

Please DO NOT misread this and think this is a justification for marital unfaithfulness; but if a husband is not meeting his wife’s emotional needs then he is leaving room (or making her volunerable) for someone else to do so. Same goes for the wife who is not meeting her husbands sexual need, she is leaving room for someone who will meet that need. Again, this does not make it right BUT it is the hard truth!

Marital dissatisfaction … leads to being vulnerable ... which leads to … opportunity … which leads to all things bad!

2) Don’t put yourself in compromising situations where an affair can happen!

Opportunity! Again, simple but not practiced very often! I heard one guy say, “I thought I was safe being alone with her…” or a girl who reported to me, “It was just a work-related lunch date…” or the guy who said, “I was just drinking with some co-workers…”

This one is close to my heart because I feel it’s the critical one… it is the one that people underestimate and get bit most every time! I truly think one of the main reasons we (Jana and I) have not been the victims of an affair. It’s not because we are just so awesome, strong, in love or just so godly ... it's because we do not put ourselves in compromising situations. i.e.

a) If possible, don't not travel alone.
b) Do not do lunch with the opposite sex.
c) Do not engage in ongoing email (or any) exchanges with the opposite sex.
d) Do not go to clubs or any kind of “meat market” place alone, or without your spouse. (I am not saying you can’t go out without your spouse with friends and have dinner, some drinks etc. but I personally think it can present a problem... and again I am basing my opinion on all the couples I have counseled over the last 10 years who have told me stories that this situation rings true for what caused their issues)
e) Do not drink alcohol unless you’re with your spouse. (Unless you are having some pizza …you must have a beer with the pizza!)

Maybe you are thinking, “Man sounds like a lot of rules to follow?”

We do not look at it that way… the only thing you’ll miss out on is doing something to mess up your marriage. For us, our marriage and children are our priority and we want to live our lives in such a way to protect our family.

3) Don’t fantasize about an affair.

People play things out in their mind as having a good happy ending… but I have counseled too many couples and the happy ending is only how Hollywood portrays it. It’s destroys everything you cherish and hold dear! And trust me when I say, every person I’ve ever talked to wishes they could take back what they did … it wasn’t worth it, and it wasn’t even close to being as exciting as they imagined!

Ladies, please hate me for what I am going to say here but I have a strong opinion that’s not always real popular about watching soap operas; I think watching TV shows, Movies, or reading books that glorify adultery is just terrible (I just have to share my feelings … not saying I am right, this is just how I feel). I realize in some cases it’s just “entertainment” or “real life”… but I believe it chips away at our conscience and our knowing “right from wrong”. To some of you this may seem extreme … but again this is my blog and you don’t have to agree with me… just my opinion. Guys, I would be missing it if I did not mention the danger of porn for you as well. It’s just dulling your conscience … it’s a road that leads to a bad place.

Sorry so long… more later!

SEX Chocolate (intermission)

I am sorry, but I couldn't resist this picture; though I have not seen the movie (yet) it fits well with the topic at hand!

I just came home from vacation and I have the SEX Chocolate 6 of 6 post partially complete, but I want to work on it just a bit more before I post it for the world to read. Ha! Look for it tomorrow!

But here are some teasers for some upcoming blog posts:

1) Relationships - How to make them work well!
2) Grass is Greener - How to save yourself from ever having an affair!
3) Meaning - What our life is all about!
4) Getting over it - How to overcome the pain from abuse!
5) Family - How to deal with a whacky family!