No organization, even an extremely healthy one, is exempt from
strife. Anytime you gather people together there will be strife. How we
manage it is the challenge. Whether you allow it, and how you handle it
determines how destructive it will be.
Q: What is strife?
A: Dictionary says that strife is vigorous or bitter conflict, discord, or antagonism.
Now, I think it’s important to define what is a strife-stirring
person. What does someone who causes or creates strife in an
organization look like? I am OK with disagreements and even conflict,
but not discord and definitely not strife. It attempts to kill the peace
and harmony of an organization. I view it like a cancer — a deadly
disease that should not be tolerated. So it’s important that we define
the kind of person that stirs up strife and how they do it and the
Biblical (healthy) way to respond.
I realize that sometimes we are ignorant to being the cause of
strife. I will readily admit that I have been the cause of strife
before, although not intentionally, but still strife nonetheless. And I
was punished for it, rightly so. I hope that by reading this blog entry, it
will give us all some insight in helping people — as well as
ourselves — stay clear of strife, the ultimate relationship killer.
Proverbs 16:28 says,
“A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.”
We see in the above scripture that ‘strife’ is actually a result of perversion. Strife perverts the health of relationships.
Here is how strife works. This is a real-life example where I was the guilty stirrer of strife.
I used to work for a great church as youth pastor years ago. After I
had been there for about six months, the newness and excitement — all
the reasons I took the job — were wearing off. The honeymoon was over,
as they say, and I started focusing on things that weren’t going right,
at least in my opinion. I started seeing things the pastor was doing
that I thought I could do better, or at least could help him do better
(because I had been to Bible College and was edumacaded – ha ha!). I
also started seeing faults* in other staff members.
*We all have them!
Side note: So far what I have described above is pretty normal — a
sign of pride — but normal. We all do this to a certain extent. It’s
human nature. Now, I will tell the part of the story where I entered
into complete and utter sin and disobedience.
As I focused more and more on all the things I saw — that either
needed to improve in my book or that I didn’t agree with — I just
couldn’t keep myself from “sharing with others my concerns.” I was
entering the danger zone – talking to other staff members about it, and
even worse, people in the congregation. This is where it crossed over
the line and became inappropriate. Honestly, I didn’t even realize I was
doing anything wrong, I was young, ignorant, naïve and inexperienced. I
felt I was just “sharing my heart" and allowing others to share their
‘issues with the church’ too. I may have even considered it my “duty to
help the ministry.” I was misguided … perverse.
It gets worse. Because as I did this, others felt like I was the “go
to” guy for talking about issues they saw with the church. And I
honestly felt important — like I was providing a service — when actually
I was poisoning myself, other staff, the leadership and God’s church in
the deadliest of ways. It began stirring up strife. But fortunately I
was at a church that didn’t tolerate strife and I was confronted, and I
repented. I didn’t do it again.
The Bible* is extremely clear on how we should handle issues or
strife with someone – you go straight to the person directly. Don’t talk
to others about others. This is a direct sin against the teaching of
Jesus. And Jesus knows how relationships work best!
*See Matt. 5:23-24; 18:15
Now I believe we can seek outside counsel in how to address issues,
but even then we must seek counsel to truly resolve the issue, not just
find someone to gripe and complain to and take our side. And if the
place you work is that bad, you ought to find another job! But just to
save you the hassle, it won’t be long until you find stuff you don’t
like and see things you could do better, in your mind. I mean,
seriously, every place has issues or imperfections. There is no perfect
job or perfect boss. They don’t exist.
The morale of the story is: Don’t be the kind of person who is always
looking for problems, and when you do see a legitimate problem, be the
kind of person who FINDS A SOLUTION! All the high capacity leaders I
know are never in favor of the kind of person who constantly points out
problems. (If all I ever did were point out my wife’s faults, our
marriage would stink, especially for her! She wouldn’t feel loved and
appreciated by me. And it would poison me too, not appreciating her.)
People who always point out problems wear those around him/her out.
(Side note: I am NOT saying we ignore problems or issues. No, no, no! A
thousand times no! Work to resolve them, to fix them, to overcome them
in such a way that builds trust and feeds unity in the organization.
Don’t live in “Problemville.”
In my experience as a marriage counselor, what I have described is
the most common cause of couple’s marital issues is that they are
focusing on each other’s problems rather than on honoring each other and
working on their own issues as well as fighting the problem together!
I got a little sidetracked and want to close by giving you one
example of how strife can start. Let’s say Shelly hears Sally say,
“Norma is ugly!” So, out of concern for Norma, Shelly goes and tells
Norma, “Hey Norma, Sally said you were ugly! OMG! I can’t believe she
said that, can you? Why do you think she would say that about you?
That’s so mean. I would never say something like that about you.” (That
is proof she would!) That right there is the seed of strife. Guess who
is the one at fault?
Anyone, anyone?
Shelly is the stirrer of strife! She is the bad one. Yes, of course,
Sally was being unkind, and even mean. But left right there, there is no
issue, per se. Now Shelly could have, and should have said, “Wow,
Sally, that’s uncool and unchristian! You shouldn’t say things like
that. You should feel bad about saying that! Please don’t say things
like that around me, totally not good!”
Let’s do our best, in whatever organization we are a part of, to be a
blessing to the people in that organization. Pray for those in
leadership, honor those above you, love those who are next to you and
serve those under you! This is the Jesus way!
