Good Grief Continued
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Painting By Tom Matt (www.tommatt.com)
Losing someone isn’t something you just ‘get over’ but you ‘get
through’ and that is just it, you must get through it, and go through it,
because you’ll never ‘get over it’ completely. You’ll always miss that person,
and even hurt at times about them being gone. I still miss my sister, and still
cry at times about it. But I know that she would want me to go on and live my
life to the fullest.
There are weird emotions that go on in and around this whole death thing, on one hand
you feel obligated to be sad that they are gone because to not be sad or hurt
seems to not honor their passing. Almost like, “if I’m not sad, then I don’t
miss them or love them.” It’s like when people say, “I worry about you,” it’s
almost like they are saying, “I love you, or I care about you.” And to not worry
is to not love or care. Maybe it’s the same here, we feel that to not be sad or
keep hurting for those who have passed is to not love or care. And maybe we
feel to not keep hurting is to forget them? Of course this is not the case!
Getting through the pain of losing someone is not forgetting them, it’s really the
best way we can remember and even honor them and their life. Living our life
well in memory of them is the best gift we can give them and the world we live
in.
To help me I can only think of what I might want for those
who survive me when I die. I want them to miss me, sure! But I do not want them
to miss me so much that they cease to live life. I wouldn’t want my family or friends
to shut down emotionally, and just cry about my being gone. I hope they would
shed a tear, of course, even belly-cry initially, but I would want them to go
on. I can honestly say that if I died tomorrow (which I pray I do not!) I would
eventually want my wife and very best friend of 20 years to re-marry. Not a
month after my passing, lol! But eventually I would want her to find a
wonderful man to love her and love my children. It would be selfish to wish anything else. And trust me I haven’t always felt this way.
WHERE AM I TODAY
I am doing well, and with each day I continue to process
through the loss. It’s fascinating that through this whole process I have
become, in general, more thankful. I am thankful for each breath I breathe! I find
myself thinking, even when things that would normally stress me out, it
could always be worse! I am also aware that life is so very precious and I
should live each moment with gratitude in my heart!
Simple Life
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Is Heaven Real?
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On one hand my answer is simple, I don’t really know! I mean
who does really know for sure, I mean really! How can we, you can’t vacation there
and return with pictures to tell about it. People have claimed to have died and
gone to Heaven and then returned to write a book about it. I am not saying that
it didn’t happen or that it’s not true, I am just sayin. They can’t prove they
went to Heaven, and no one can prove they didn’t. So, is Heaven real?
Let me start with the question; is Heaven Real? Yes, I do believe
that it is. I believe in a literal Heaven, a place you go to after death. I
believe it is a place that God prepared for us by His own hands (obviously His
creative power of words, not that He actually swung a hammer and handled a saw,)
and that Jesus died to get us there. I can’t upload pictures of Heaven to my
instagram or faecbook, but there are ancient manuscripts (The Bible) that give
some insights to what Heaven will be like. But it only gives us a glimpse, it’s
definitely not conclusive. It’s a place
that I am sure will surprise, and amaze every minute we are there!
WHAT HEAVEN WON’T BE
I truly believe that Heaven will not be a place we float
around while singing worship songs written by Hillsong (I love Hillsong songs,
I’m just sayin!) Honestly, I love Jesus with all my heart, but I don’t want to
do that!
TO THE POINT
I believe that Heaven will be basically a place where all
that is will be good, pleasing, healthy, whole, loving, forgiving, etc. All
things good. A place absent of all evil, and all that comes with evil. Now, on
all the other questions about sex, marriage, kids, etc. I don’t know for sure, but I believe that
Heaven will be must like our existence now, but again, just absent all things
bad. Heaven will be full of all that God intended! Nothing will be broken or
out of place. No pain. No heartache. No death. No Loss. No lies. Only peace.
Only goodness. Only love. A perfect place!
WHAT ABOUT HERE AND NOW
As you know, our world – here and now – is broken. We are a broken people, and earth is broken
too. We can do and should do all that we can to “save the planet” but more
importantly we should do all that we can to “save our lives.” Jesus is the one who
can help us put the broken pieces of our life together. I challenge you to
trust in Him today!
Good Grief
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Just a
couple weeks ago my sister, Kimberle Rae Gibson, died of an accidental overdose
in her home, alone (and that still makes me cry every time I think of it). It
has really been difficult to reconcile my emotions.
We had
been close at times and distant at other times. I loved her all the same, in
the good and in the bad; though I wish I had showed it more. Too late now! Dammit,
that hurts big time! I can’t even begin to imagine how much my parents are
hurting … I am trying to be there for them. It sucks.
Those
that knew her knew she had her challenges, but beneath it all was a lost little
girl with a heart of gold. I don’t
say ‘lost’ in a spiritual sense, because she had a relationship with Christ no
doubt, but she struggled in this life. As we all do.
I have
never lost anyone so close, I mean I have lost great grandparents, a
grandmother (Nonny,) but you expect that. I even lost my bio-logical father,
Glen Hakanson, in my late teens, but I didn’t know him all that well, so it
wasn’t so hard, at that time, for I had a great Dad in my life that had filled that role. He died at home, alone. As I have reflected on my bio-dad’s death what bothers me the most is that
he didn’t get to spend time with me. I bet he really missed me.
This
became real to me during my son’s Basketball Game last year. My son was running
down the court with the ball, of course, and the joy I felt from getting to
watch him play, and getting to watch him grow up is beyond words! Nothing
greater! (Of course equal to watching my daughter do the same!)
And
all of a sudden I had this thought, “My bio father didn’t get to do this with
me.” And I lost it. I began to sob uncontrollably. I had to leave the gymnasium,
face planted in my hands holding in my loud cries. It sucked! I was jacked up for
the rest of the day.
I was completely
overwhelmed with sadness, and the realization of how he must have felt, and how
he would have longed to be with me. I know he did. He had called me at various
times in my life crying letting me know he loved me and missed me. I didn’t get
it at the time. I was emotionless. I didn’t feel his pain, or even mine. I do now. If I only
knew then what I know now, it would be different, and I could let him know that
I loved him too, I just didn’t have a relationship with him. And frankly, I wasn't encouraged to love him, if anything I was discouraged. And that sucks!
Good
grief, grief hurts!
The good
news is that I am still wrestling with all this stuff, even seeking counsel to walk
through it all in a healthy life-giving way. Thank God for God! I don't know how people do life without Him.
If
I have learned anything, at this point, it would be this:
First,
as much as it depends on you, seek to have a healthy relationship with your
family. If at all possible, if not possible, make sure to do what you can be
proud of and feel good about, when they pass. Secondly, love deeply those who
are true friends, and run from those who are not! During this time it has
become increasingly clear who my real friends are, and who aren't. And lastly, if you have faced loss, grief is a process that you must walk through ... it takes time, and looks different for different people. There are no easy answers, and I am sorry for your loss, it sucks! But, it is a part of life and we'll make it through! Amen? Amen!
Me and my sister on Halloween!
Me, my bio-dad (Glen) and my mom.
4 Healthy Way to Respond to Complaints
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So when your partner brings a complaint to you … here is what to
do …
1)
Ask QUESTIONS for better
understanding.
DON’T: Belittle or criticize your
partner for complaining.
2)
Acknowledge the FEELINGS behind your
partner’s complaint.
DON’T: Defend yourself.
This is very difficult to do, because we all want to defend ourselves,
and “set the record straight!”
3)
Take RESPONSIBILITY for the problem.
DON’T: Deny responsibility or flip it
or spin it back on your partner.
4)
Don’t RUN away.
DON’T: Run away, give up, withdraw and quit… fight through the fight … no pain no gain.
Sabbatical Reflections
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What is a sabbatical?
It’s a time for rest, reflection and recharging. What do you do on a sabbatical?
Rest, reflect and re-charge primarily. J
It’s definitely not a vacation, even though I kicked off my sabbatical
on the heals on my yearly vacation. So really the first 20 days were my family
vacation, not sabbatical, but it just worked to do it all at the same time. The rest, reflect and re-charge is more the end goal… it’s what I am doing to
accomplish those goals, i.e. Reading (7 books already) attending
other churches (which I never get to do) and attending a church leadership
workshop to help me be a better pastor and leader. So it’s not like I am
sitting poolside or playing Angry Birds. Ha ha! I’m not much for games anyway;
don’t even have a single game on my iPhone. It’s not really even time off,
but rather time away to focus on filling up those places I’ve emptied
out.
