4 Healthy Way to Respond to Complaints
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So when your partner brings a complaint to you … here is what to
do …
1)
Ask QUESTIONS for better
understanding.
DON’T: Belittle or criticize your
partner for complaining.
2)
Acknowledge the FEELINGS behind your
partner’s complaint.
DON’T: Defend yourself.
This is very difficult to do, because we all want to defend ourselves,
and “set the record straight!”
3)
Take RESPONSIBILITY for the problem.
DON’T: Deny responsibility or flip it
or spin it back on your partner.
4)
Don’t RUN away.
DON’T: Run away, give up, withdraw and quit… fight through the fight … no pain no gain.
Sabbatical Reflections
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What is a sabbatical?
It’s a time for rest, reflection and recharging. What do you do on a sabbatical?
Rest, reflect and re-charge primarily. J
It’s definitely not a vacation, even though I kicked off my sabbatical
on the heals on my yearly vacation. So really the first 20 days were my family
vacation, not sabbatical, but it just worked to do it all at the same time. The rest, reflect and re-charge is more the end goal… it’s what I am doing to
accomplish those goals, i.e. Reading (7 books already) attending
other churches (which I never get to do) and attending a church leadership
workshop to help me be a better pastor and leader. So it’s not like I am
sitting poolside or playing Angry Birds. Ha ha! I’m not much for games anyway;
don’t even have a single game on my iPhone. It’s not really even time off,
but rather time away to focus on filling up those places I’ve emptied
out.
My First Sabbatical
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I leave for my 1st Sabbatical ever on June 16, 2013! I am both excited and nervous!
I am excited
because after 15 years of fulltime pastoral service I need it; 10 years as
Senior Pastor at Mercy Church and 5 years a Student Pastor elsewhere. Previous
to that I served as Student Pastor for 7 years, but it was on a volunteer
basis, so I don’t count that. And nervous because I’ve never been away this
long before, but thankfully we have a very capable staff and leadership team to
handle things.
If you are a
part of any denomination you know that they highly recommended their pastors
take a sabbatical every 5 to 7 years. So it’s a long time coming for me, I
should be on my 3rd Sabbatical by now. Ha ha! Of course, I can’t
complain I could have taken one in previous years, but I didn’t. No one to
blame but me.
So this blog
entry is really more for the Mercy Church congregation, but I also hope to
inspire any pastor that reads it to take the recommended sabbatical. You not
only need it, but deserve it; whether your church is 100 people or 10,000
people you should take a sabbatical.
Frankly, the
reason I never took a sabbatical is that I didn’t feel our church was “big
enough” to deserve one. Sad I know, but it’s how I felt. I felt that if we were
huge I could justify taking some time away.
Now, mind you, I
am not taking an elaborate Sabbatical like some pastors of larger churches do
(nothing wrong with an “elaborate” sabbatical if your church can afford it) I
wish our church could send me on an trip to the Holy Land to walk where Jesus
walked … that would be so cool!)
I am taking just
some time away to rest, refresh, and recharge! And I am even doing it combined
with my yearly family vacation.
So let me be
clear here, Mercy Church is NOT PAYING for my vacation or Sabbatical, but they
are paying me while on my sabbatical. Make sense? There is not going to be any
additional expenditures for Mercy Church during this time.
Sabbaticals can
range in length from 1 month (which is what I am doing) to taking 1 year away …
and everything in between. Again, just depends on the size of your church and abilities
of staff to run the church while you are away.
I have done some
reading on Sabbatical Guidelines, a “what-to-do” while on sabbatical. And there
are a million different ways to do this, and I am doing my own variation.
During the first
half of my sabbatical I am going to detox myself by not even thinking about
church related stuff (believe it or not this is extremely difficult for me.) It’s
difficult because I actually do enjoy what I do; I am one of the lucky ones,
doing what I love to do. I hope to accomplish this by reading fiction books and
enjoying time with family. “Clearing the palate” as they say. Then during the latter
half of my sabbatical I will begin journaling and looking into the future for
what God is doing in me and through me as well as through Mercy Church.
If you think
about it say a prayer for me that while away I will be rested and refreshed and
ready for yet another 15 years of pastoral ministry.
Further Reading on Sabbaticals: http://qwaters.org/compass/oct-2012.pdf
How To Fight
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It’s important to
keep in mind that when you are fighting with your partner, it’s not about
WINNING or LOSING, it’s about RESOLVING whatever issue is being discussed! When you resolve "the issue" you both win!
Here's the deal ...
o
Unresolved resentment and deep
seated bitterness is deadly to a relationship! And fighting, if done
right, can help resolve the “issue.”
o
Side-stepping difficult feelings blocks emotional intimacy. Often
Peacemaker type personalities struggle with this … they don’t want to fight,
but often will bury their feelings to only haunt them later. Not "fighting" is like, not going to the bathroom, that would be nice to never have to do, but it's not healthy! Fighting can be messy at times, but it's necessary to build a healthy relationship.
Fighting is how you can hash things out. Now when I say "fight"
I am not saying we throw pots and pans at each other, or that we are pulling out guns and knives, though you have maybe
done that a time or two! (hopefully not the latter!)
All
couples fight, the key is in HOW you fight. Here are the fight rules!
4 FIGHT RULES
2.) Focus on partner’s actions and how those make you FEEL.
DON’T: Criticize your partner’s personality or character.
DON’T SAY: “You shouldn’t feel that way,” or even worse you “shouldn’t let that bother you,” or “you should get over it,” … not good!
Example: My wife, Jana used to tell me where to go when we
were in the car, I hate that. And for the longest time I didn’t know why, until
I dug deep into "how it made me feel" and
it made me feel like she didn’t trust me and my navigation skills. And who cares if I missed an exit, I could always turn around! Just let me drive.
DON’T: Complain at times when your partner is distracted by pressing matters such as a deadline or caring for small children. Or in the middle of a party! Or while at dinner with friends!
4.) Tell your partner about your NEEDS and DESIRES.
DON’T: Expect your partner to mind-read, to guess your needs and desires.
A Threesome Will Save Your Marriage
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I have single people saying to me all the time, “I am scared
to get married because I don’t want to ever get divorced … what if it’s doesn’t
work out? How can I know he/she is THE ONE?”
First, there are no guarantees in life or in love! When I married,
at 25, I was also a little scared of divorce. Both my parents have been married
multiple times, and I didn’t want that! My grandparents went through a divorce
too! It’s very scary. I wanted my marriage to last “till death do us part!”
How can you really know? Can you really know? I mean really
know, like for sure for sure!?
The straight up honest truth is that you can’t know for sure
for sure because you can’t speak for another person, and that is what marriage is
… a relationship between two people. And all you can do is make sure you are
the person you are to be, and hopefully your partner will do the same!
Marriage is a step of faith! Believing that your heart and their
heart will forever be intertwined to never part is what we all hope for … even
pray for!
Let me give you my thought on how to give yourself the best
chance to have a forever marriage where divorce will never knock on your hearts
door!
1)
Make sure to marry for the right reasons! For LOVE!
a.
Not because you’re pregnant!
b.
Not because you feel obligated!
c.
Not because you are tired of being alone.
d.
Not because there is no one else.
e.
Not for any reason other than, “You want to
spend your life with this person!”
2)
Do not ever over-look red flags in the
relationship.
a.
For example, if you are committed to things of
faith, and he isn’t – red flag!
b.
He/she drinks a little too much – red flag
c.
He/she has been married multiple times – red flag
d.
He has had 6,000 jobs in the last 3 months – red
flag
e.
He looks at porn, but says he’ll stop when we
get married – red flag
f.
She loves to go out with her single friends
every weekend – red flag
3)
Do not marry thinking you’ll change him/her –
you won’t!
4)
If you are thinking, “well there is this one
thing I hate about him/her” you better get that figured out BEFORE you walk the
isle.
5)
Do you feel down deep in your gut that he/she is
really right for you?
6)
Are you compatible?
a.
This is often overlooked because people say, “we’ll
grow together over time” … and the truth is probably not!
b.
This means that you have similar interests,
vision for life, plan, goals, etc! You both need to be headed in generally the
same direction.
7)
Don’t settle.
a.
One main reason not to settle is that someday
you will meet someone awesome, and since you settled with Joe Loser, now that
you have met Joe Perfect, it’s going to be rough. (This of course does not
justify leaving your spouse to run off with someone else, duh! I am just saying
that if you are not completely sure that you are marrying the right person for
you (if you settle), then the right one (or a more compatible person) may come
along at another time and create difficulty. And you might be wishing you hadn’t
settled.
It would be like settling for a car that wasn't really the one you really really wanted, but you go ahead and buy it, then a few weeks later the car you really wanted comes along, and it's the same price ... this doesn't mean you will sell your car to run off and buy it, but it will make you wish you had waited for what you really really really wanted! Bottom line, don't settle! Marry because he/she is the right one for you!
Side note: If he/she is the right one for you ... most everyone close to you will know it too!
FINAL THOUGHTS
Much of what I write is from my own
marriage, as well as stories I have heard! I have had couples go through a
nasty divorce and they report to me that they had settled! They knew the person
wasn’t right for them, but they married them anyway thinking it would all just
work out. Or that they were strong enough to just hold it together! Or that “God”
would hold them together! Well here is the deal – ONE PERSON cannot hold it all
together for very long! Maybe for a season here and there, but not long term!
Marriage is a TEAM EFFORT! And of course I feel the perfect TEAM for a marriage
is Me, my spouse and GOD! That’s the only kind of three-some I believe in! Ha
ha! So there you go; A Threesome Will Save Your Marriage!
Help Me, Please!
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When you find yourself in trouble, it’s important to have a
good network of people around you who can be there for you when you cry, “help me,
please!” I have heard it said that you are either in difficult times, going to
be in difficult times, or coming out of difficult times. And “difficult times”
doesn’t mean major loss, or heartbreak, but some difficulty whether its
emotional, physical, financial, or spiritual
… it just means some difficulty. I would prefer to call it a “challenge”
but maybe I have read to many self-help positive thinking books! Ha ha!
I have also heard it said that you should prepare now so
that when the time comes you have the needed resources to help, this is not
only true financially, but also true emotionally. It’s important to have
friends, good friends, friends who really care and can help be a support for
you when needed. I’ll be honest and admit that I felt for many years, “I don’t
need any friends!” Boy was I wrong! My friends have proven to be the best
source of my success in life!
Don’t be afraid to say, “help me, please!” when you are
down!
Life Trip; What's the Point?
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Have you ever wondered; what am I doing? And, what am I
doing it for? What is the purpose of all this? Am I accomplishing anything? Is
this what I started out to accomplish? Is this even what I want to accomplish? Is
this what I am supposed to be doing with my life? And, what am I doing again?
Taking a breather from your responsibilities is what “Sharpens
the Saw” as Stephen Covey says. It helps us to do an even better job at whatever we do. You can chop down a tree much faster if you stop
ever-so-often to sharpen the saw, rather than just sawing away with a dull saw. I believe we do better in life when our saw is sharp, and time away can helps to sharpen us.
All that said time away, a vacation, or pit stop should be
with purposeful. We should not only take that time to relax, unwind, detox, unplug,
play, but also to rebuild, to replenish, to energize to refuel, to refill, to strengthen.
Sharpen the saw. Often it’s in those times we get the answers we seek.
I encourage you to take some time, even if it's one day to get away, to unplug and dig into your soul ... you'll come back sharper!
