Swinging Couples Question

I recently ran into an old high school buddy who told me that he and his wife were Swingers -- maybe I should have mentioned I was a pastor sooner into the conversation :)

I have had, over the years, married couples sincerely ask me, "Is it okay to Swing with other couples, if we both are okay with it?"

I would imagine most of you know what a Swinger is, or does? But just in case let me briefly explain; a Swinger Couple is basically a couple that engages in sexual activity with other couples. Swingers say, "it's open and honest therefore it's okay".

MY RESPONSE

Just because a couple "agrees" to something doesn't make it right when there is a higher authority saying it's wrong. For example, if your friend says, "please shoot me in the head, I want to die." Even though you two have agreed doesn't make murdering him okay. In a marriage a husband is only for his wife and a wife is only for her husband. No exceptions! Murder is murder, just as adultery is adultery ... Swinger Couples are actually having affairs, they're just committing open affairs that the couple agrees to have. Affairs are destructive to a marriage, even open affairs that are agreed upon.

Mark 10:6-9 “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

In reading some information about why couple become Swingers, it's typically in an effort to spice up the sex life, to be creative and do something different. There are many ways to spice up the sex life within a marriage without having an affair. I hope to cover some of those topics over the next few weeks.

TOMORROW'S NOTE:

Sex Toys, Okay or Not Okay? I think you may be surprised by my answer!

"Porn" for Women

I am aware that Porn is a real problem in our society, not only for men but for women too. Though let's be honest here Porn is more geared for men and men are the main consumers of Porn. So I was thinking today; since Porn is many a man's vice, what is a vice for many women? I mean I hear, almost daily, from men who struggle with Porn and I was wondering, what do women struggle with on the same level as men with Porn?

Is a steamy romance novel a form of Porn for women? What about fantasy sex? Or maybe it's not a sex thing at all; maybe it's something all together different, maybe Gossip? Unforgiveness? Chocolate? since men and women are so different and our struggles are different but also overlap. I guess it would have to be some emotionally driven thing? Ya think? Since men are sexually driven and Porn feeds that in an improper way, and women are emotionally driven, what feeds them emotionally in an improper way ... mmmm interesting, and I am genuinely curious and don't have the answers. How are women's emotions leading them to sin?

If men are looking at the wrong things, Porn, and it is sin, what are women thinking about or emotionally connecting to that are the wrong things, which would be sin? How are women emotionally sinning, just as men are sexually sinning? Again, I am genuinely curious.

Disclaimer (1): Just in case you didn't catch my position clearly here on my little blog entry, I am opposed to Porn. Though I am a guy just like most other guys and want to see women naked, that is no excuse to consume. Porn is dangerous and I do believe that it can become a harmful addiction just like any other drug -- especially if you are married, or ever plan on getting married and want a happy healthy relationship.

Disclaimer (2): What qualifies as Porn? Great question, and I have given that some thought, because not all nakedness qualifies as Porn.

Dictionary Defines por·nog·ra·phy as, obscene writings, drawings, photographs, or the like, especially those having little or no artistic merit.

I do believe that some nakedness is beautiful and artistic and therefor would not qualify as Porn, but there is a fine line there for which we must be careful. Just like an Tylenol is not a drug that people would frown on anyone taking, even every day, though it's a close cousin to the more powerful and addictive pain-killers. Make sense?

Bottom Line: I would like to think that we all know what is GOOD and HELPFUL for us, and those around us as well as what is BAD and HARMFUL for us and those around us. And many times when we have to ask, that probably means it's BAD. Just sayin.

The Perfect Guy

It goes without saying, though I am going to say it, "There are no perfect guys." And here is even better news, you aren't perfect so, we're all good. Ha ha! No one is perfect, though isn't that what we often look for in others, and don't want them looking for the same thing when they meet us?

I do a lot of Relationship Counseling (pre-marital, dating, date doctor, marital, etc.) or what I like to call Relationship Coaching, seems to be the word we use in this day and age. I guess it sounds cooler! Or at least it sound better to say, "I am meeting with my relationship coach" than, "I am meeting with my counselor, or physiatrist." Either way, it's all pretty much the same thing and vitally important.

If I was overweight I would seek out a trainer to help coach me so I could reach my goals and if I was sick I would seek the help of a nutritionist or doctor to help me get well ... it's the same for the emotions, sometimes it helps to get someone to give us a little nudge in the right direction. Everyone needs that from time to time.

Side Note: If you ever need that "NUDGE" in your relationship I'd love to help anyway I can ... I do a lot of SKYPE coaching these days, as well as live and in person, so if you need that, give me a call (913) 390-1200, or email, tj@mercychurchKC.com and we'll set it up.

The Perfect Guy

Here is something I have said for years, maybe I got it from someone, I don't know; It's not so much about finding the right person as it is about being the right person. I believe this to be very true. I see so many singles who LOSE THEMSELVES in a relationship. And those relationships typically always go bad. Ya know the ones; where the minute your girlfriend starts dating the guy pretty soon you never see her or hear from her again.

I think and believe you should FIND YOURSELF in a relationship. Truly, you know you have found the right person when you are a BETTER you when you are with them, or rather because of them. If they bring out the worst in you, run away fast! Seriously! If they pull you away from what you love, what you value, your friends, I can tell you without even meeting the person, he is the wrong one! Period! Save yourself from later pain and heartache, just walk away.

One of the biggest issues I see in relationships, especially broken ones, is un-dealt with brokenness. Meaning, someone has so many issues they have not properly dealt with, in a healthy way, and it's causing issues between the two people. Let's be honest, we all have issues! BUT, they are only harmful when they are left to themselves to ruin our lives.

So people feel like it's all okay if you just try and forget about it, or bury it, or just don't talk about it. Nope! That's the worst thing you can do with an issue in your life! I am rambling ... okay so here is how you find the perfect guy ... work on being the perfect girl and the perfect guy will come running for you! Be worth the catch!

10 Lessons I Learned From The Homeless

(Me and Jesse)

Every year, for the last 4 years, I spend one day living with the homeless. I meet wonderful people, like Jesse, every time I take my homeless journey on the streets of Kansas City. Jesse has been homeless for many many years, and lives in the Westport Area of Kansas City, Missouri. I did not get Jesse's full story, but I have learned that homeless are not always homeless by choice like some may think. Homeless are typically homeless because of crisis and/or illness.

Each year I learn valuable lessons about life that I could not learn any other way. I found myself sitting at a table, sharing a meal with people I would otherwise never be sitting next to, it rocked me. And for what ever reason this year especially rocked me in a life altering way. I have learned many lessons about life living with the homeless, but here I will share the TOP 10.

1) There is a huge difference between what I WANT and what I NEED.

There are many things I think I need, but in reality I only want them. I see this is my kids lives too.

2) God can CHANGE you only when YOU want to change.

I could do a 12 lecture series on this one topic alone, but let me just say that I have known people who have needed to change, and even had a desire to change, but until the pain of staying the same is greater then the pain of changing, people stay where they are. Even for God to change you, YOU must really really really want to change and be willing to do the necessary work to change.

3)  A relationship with JESUS is critical to living an emotionally healthy life.

It's amazing how living by the teachings of Jesus; love, mercy, grace, forgiveness, etc. Give you a healthy life ... it's when we violate these principles that all hell breaks loose. 

4) Never medicate stress, fear, anxiety, depression, hardships, loss, hurt, etc. with chemicals.

I believe there can be exceptions to various rules, of course if you have just endured a very difficult loss and need a "crutch" to get through, that is understandable. BUT, we must be careful because what is used as a crutch can sometimes turn into an addiction that will destroy your life, and fast!

5) Who and what we become has a lot to do with the choices we make.

nearly every choice we make takes us somewhere, we just make sure that our choices are taking us where we want to go!

6) Homeless are human beings, treat them like you would any other human being.

I recommend to look them in the eye, even if you do not have any money or food for them, and say HI. Notice them, see them ... of course use wisdom, know your surroundings, don't do this in a dark alley. But normally we all see homeless people on busy street corners. Say "hi!"

7) I care too much about what people think of me.

There were times I was embarrassed looking homeless and knowing that people viewed me as homeless. It touched on my pride. It was humbling.

8) I need to be more THANKFUL!

I take all that I have for granted way too much! I have all that I could ever need, and a lot of what I want. I live a wonderful life, and I should act like it!

9) I need to pray more for those who are in need.

Jesus said that we'd always have the poor with us in Matthew 26:11. Since this is so not only should we continue to reach out and do what we can to help the poor, but one great way to help is to pray. It's something we all can do. So let's do it.

10) I am way to self-absorbed.

This was hard for me to see in myself. I mean I think we all struggle with it on some level, but when we become aware of it, hopefully we do something about it and don't just resolve to stay stuck in your brokenness.

I hope that my words, my experience living with the homeless as seared something special on your heart, and ultimately makes you want to pursue a better life, a life of love!

Thanks for reading!

Living Homeless

I know I know, it's not that challenging to live homeless for 24 hours! I get it! And no one has ever teased me that I am trying to make it seem to be challenging! Thankfully. Because the reality is that it's rather easy, though the tough part, for me, is to be away from my family, my friends, technology, work, my pillow-top mattress and my wife's home cooking.

Last year the temperature did drop to 27 degrees over night, now that was challenging! I froze my butt off! I couldn't get warm. But this year it supposed to stay around the 50's or so, or pretty close, so we should be fine. We normally walk about 15 - 20 miles which isn't so bad, though the backpack gets a bit uncomfortable. Last year in an attempt to keep my feet warm I wore hiking boots, and at mile 10 my feet were killing me. I actually had to call my wife to come bring me some tennis shoes to finish the journey, so glad I did that. My right foot was black and blue and hurt for a month.

So the BIG QUESTION I'm often asked is: Why do you do it?

That's a great question and the answer is simple: because I need to! I need to be reminded every year to be thankful for what I have, what I believe God has given me and it's not mine to be mine, but mine to share.

I think it's easy to forget, and easy to take for granted all we have. Really, compared to the rest of the world I would be considered rich, though I do not feel rich, especially living here in Kansas City. I would probably be placed in the "middle class" category, I suppose, and yet on one hand I feel very blessed and on the other hand feel almost poor. (just being honest here) I mean when my kid needs cleats for football I get up tight knowing I am going to spend $35 - $50 on a pair. I have friends who only get up tight when they buy a new driver for $800. I don't golf, and that is why, I wouldn't have a driver. Ha ha!

There is a huge difference between NEED and WANT. I personally have more than I need, and much of what I want, in reality. I realize I live in excess, and it embarrasses me. We're not extravagant and definitely don't have anything worth doing a write up in the KC Star over, thank God. But still when compared to the rest of the world who struggle for their next meal or a clean glass of water, we are rich. This is one reason our family is talking about downsizing this next year.

I believe everyone should live with the homeless one day a year like I do, it will change you, it will make you grateful! It has been a blessing each year and I am sure this year will be no different!

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @TimmyKC

Speak No Evil

One of the biggest problems I see in our culture is controlling what comes out of the hole under our nose. What we say about others says a lot about us. Unfortunately I have at times succumbed to the temptation of speaking evil of other people. And I am ashamed because it's not love and secondly I've heard it said that, "insignificant people talk about other people, great people talk about changing the world". I have been guilty of being insignificant.

We feel justified to talk bad about people especially when they have hurt us, or we've heard they have said bad things about us. It's normal to want to hurt them back with our words. But when we do speak evil of others we are being completely disobedient to the law of love. It's not a fruit of the spirit, it's actually a fruit of the flesh, it's what the Bible calls being "carnal" or living fleshly, which is selfish living. And we justify it a million ways; "well she hurt me," or "well he is saying bad things about me, so ..." or "well I want to the truth to be told ..." on and on the justifications fly on why we feel it is okay to live less than Christ-like and slander other people with our words.

Anytime we share something with someone that will give that person a negative view of that person we are sinning. And are living counter to the law of love. Even if what we are sharing is true. Now, it's a different thing if we are sharing something to protect someone from danger, i.e. telling a neighbor that a particular neighbor is on the Child-molesters list, etc. That's something totally different. Any smart person knows the difference.

I decided about 6 months ago that I was never going to speak evil of anyone ever again. And not allow anyone to speak evil about someone to me. First, it's wrong and I don't want any part of it and don't want to be around people who do it; secondly I have too many wonderful things to talk about then to waste time talking negative about others. And like my Grandma used to always say, "If you don't have anything good to say don't say it!" Wise words!

Let's start living significant lives!

James 4:11-12 "Don’t speak evil against each other, dear brothers and sisters. If you criticize and judge each other, then you are criticizing and judging God’s law. But your job is to obey the law, not to judge whether it applies to you. God alone, who gave the law, is the Judge. He alone has the power to save or to destroy. So what right do you have to judge your neighbor?"

Galatians 5:14-15 "For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: "Love your neighbor as yourself." But if you are always biting and devouring one another, watch out! Beware of destroying one another."

Colosians 4:6 "Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person."

Luke 6:26-36 “But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, offer the other cheek also. If someone demands your coat, offer your shirt also. Give to anyone who asks; and when things are taken away from you, don’t try to get them back. Do to others as you would like them to do to you. "If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them! And if you do good only to those who do good to you, why should you get credit? Even sinners do that much! And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, why should you get credit? Even sinners will lend to other sinners for a full return. “Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked. You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate.

Love vs. Hate

Love and hate are powerful forces that can move mountains. People say and do crazy things when they hate, but people also can do some amazing things when they love. Yes, I do feel that there are times "hate," even though my mom taught me to not say that word, is a motivator to get us moving to say, rescue child-sex-trafficing victims. But only when it is a motivator for good, not evil.

I am only 42, but I am starting to see that these are the two primary forces in the world today, HATE - which is bent on destruction, violence, pain, evil, division, and all things bad, and LOVE - which is bent on bridge-building, a peace, healing, unity and all things GOOD!

I am reminded that Jesus said in Matthew 5:45-46 that we should "... Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust."

So, to put it plainly, people who -- for example, hate President Obama and bash him through their blogs, News Stations, and Radio Stations are doing wrong I believe, according to Jesus anyway. Now, I am okay with attacking policy, and different views, cause we all have them, etc. etc. But when it's a bash fest on the person, I just don't see any way to justify that behavior. I think it would fall under the heading of slander. Shoot, I am only a little blogger myself, what do you say? Am I off base here? Am I missing something? I mean would Jesus behave this way?

I guess I am just keenly aware of all the vile negativity in the world today and it's just sickening to see people attacking other people when I am thinking the best thing we can do for our enemies and those who may disagree with us is to PRAY for them. I mean earnestly pray for them. Are you a slanderer or a pray-er? Lord help us all, I want to be a person of prayer!  

1 Timothy 2:1-3 "First of all, I ask you to pray much for all men and to give thanks for them. Pray for kings and all others who are in power over us so we might live quiet God-like lives in peace. It is good when you pray like this. It pleases God Who is the One Who saves."

Desperate

In preparations for the NEW series, SIMPLE LIFE, I am finding myself becoming more and more desperate for a real move of God, not only in my heart and life, but also those who attend Mercy Church and those who live in our great city. I sense such an apathy, even in me, and I don't like it. I think back to a day when I was so hungry and excited about God, I mean I couldn't get enough of His touch in my life. I am hungry for that contagious passion for God again. And I am pursuing it 100%!

I can't speak for others, or begin to judge whether other people are "desperate" for God or not, that's between them and God, He knows and they know the truth,  but I do sense a "take it or leave it" attitude in the world today, and it's extremely dis-heartening to say the least, especially as a pastor. I understand being busy, but too busy for God is too busy, and I am guilty!

MY PRAYER: God forgive me for my apathy and for allowing my life to become too cluttered with other lessor-things and allowing little things to rob me of the joy of my salvation. God, help me to pursue you with a reckless abandon!

I feel that more than ever we need GOD actively involved in our LIFE, every part of it! And I am asking God to move in my heart and in your heart ... you ready for something great to happen in your life? I hope so, cause I am praying and fasting for it!

What's Missing?

Have you ever felt like something was missing? Maybe you have money, friends and some stuff, yet something just isn't there that should be there. I think we've all felt that at various times in our lives. Just days after getting back from my honeymoon I felt that something was missing; we bought a Pomeranian puppy ... missing piece found! I felt that about 3 years into my marriage, then we had a child ... missing piece found! We were living in Tulsa in the late 90's and felt there was something missing; we took a full time ministerial job in Alabama ... missing piece found!

I could go on with stories of feeling that something was missing, then later was found. But I am talking really about something much much deeper here then simply owning a puppy, something that is at the very core. So you have a sense that there is something missing from life; a sense of purpose, a sense of meaning, a sense of knowing why I am here on planet earth? Is that piece missing for you? If so, I believe I know how that missing piece can be found.

I believe this missing piece to be a authentic life-giving passionate relationship with Jesus Christ. I really do. I believe that that is what is missing from many people's lives, even Christians, today! Yep, many Christians are just going through the motions, just existing, doing the little Christian thing; going to church, giving a couple bucks in the offering, volunteering ever-so-often when manipulated into it, but the all consuming zeal and heartfelt love for God is not there to fuel the relationship.

Matthew 5:6 "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

Maybe you are feeling like something is missing? If so, I encourage you to thirst for God ... the Bible says that, "those who seek shall seek shall find ..." I know this to be true in my own life. I have had times I was not hungry and other times I have been hungry, I always got more when I was hungry and pursuing God wholeheartedly. Go for it with a reckless abandonment! You won't regret it. I can guarantee you this, when you do this you won't be so overwhelmed with or consumed with stupid petty immature things anymore and your happiness meter will be clicking on FULL!

Approval Addiction

I recently tweeted this thought on appreciation, “Appreciation, applause, encouragement, pats on the back and that a boys are a two way street; they not only need to be given but also received!” Have you ever tried to compliment a person to only have it rejected and thrown back at you or thrown down? For example, “I like your hair!” And they reply with something like, “Oh you are only saying that to be nice, it looks stupid!” And when you get that kind of response it makes you not want to give any praise. It’s like when someone demands appreciation, then you really don’t want to give it.

I went through an emotionally intense program called FOCUS, really a boot camp for your emotions I would say. And in that program they talked about giving and receiving appreciation and they challenged us to ask ourselves what is in us that makes us feel unappreciated, (okay, yes maybe you are really are unappreciated and that is unfortunate, but what if not? Who’s responsible for me feeling good about myself, my job, my life … me or others?) And in the program they also asked us to check our hearts on WHY we were doing something, and WHO we were doing it for - our motive.

I have noticed over the years that some people really need (key word – need) a lot of appreciation, and often you will hear these people say, “I feel so unappreciated!” And many times with these people you can't give them enough “appreciation” to make them feel appreciated. It’s the whole skinny beautiful girl who thinks she’s fat and ugly and there is nothing you can say to her to make her feel skinny and beautiful. Then on the other hand there are people who don’t really need much appreciation shown to them because they do what they do for the love of doing it, or they do it for themselves or they do it for God and therein lies all the appreciation they need. I don't think it's wrong to WANT appreciation, I think we all do on some level, but to NEED it to feel appreciated or good about ourselves is really “Approval Addiction,” and it’s very unhealthy and will lead to an very unhappy life.

Psychologist and Counselor, Wayne McKamie says, “Timmy, there is such a thing as approval addiction. You are right on when discussing the bondage of needing everyone to accept, appreciate, or approve of us. The freedom that comes from letting go and self acceptance through knowing who God made us to be is awesome.”

Psychologist and Counselor, Pamela McKamie said, “Life is a journey and a learning experience. This self appreciation is within and it is something we all can work on. When we allow God to fill us up with his grace we can open up to change instead of being stuck. We can look to him to find this instead of others.”

Disclaimer: This blog entry is in no way trying to discredit the importance of giving people praise or showing appreciation, duh! Obviously this is something we ALL should do to and for those we love, and for those with whom we work. And honestly to see this blog in that light would tell me that you may struggle with “Approval Addiction”. And also this blog entry is not directed and any ONE person, but it is something that has been stirring in my heart ever since I attended FOCUS back in January of this year and felt it to be something many of us struggle with on some level.