Selfish Spouse

First let me just say; all of us are selfish to some degree! And I do mean all of us.

I was talking to someone a few days back about marriage and how and why some marriages are so wonderful and others not so much ... or why couples seem to be so happy and in love while others - not so much?

And I began to reflect on the many conversations I've had with couples, whether happy or not happy and I remember hearing a common thread of what could be an real issue to WHY marriage fail.

Here is my thought (btw, haven't had time to formulate or think it through totally ... so it's rough draft ... raw material here): Selfishness is at the root.

So a couple I counseled with about a year ago was describing their troubled marriage to me and I could see clearly what was wrong; they were loving the other the way they wanted to be loved, rather than loving their spouse the way THEY wanted to be loved. Make sense?

For example; she was a fantastic homemaker, i.e. cooking, cleaning, caring for the children, she scrap-booked the kids every move, themed birthday parties, thoughtful gifts, etc. etc. And from the outside looking in you would think their home was just perfect. But that's just it, the husband loved all that his wife was doing with the home and with the kids, and the wonderful meals she would prepare for him when he came home from work, but Sex was very infrequent. And that is what he wanted most. More than hot meals after work, more then fresh organic fruit smoothies in the morning before work, more than little special note cards slipped in his briefcase. He wanted intimacy ... specially sex. And she was giving him everything, but that, and that is what he wanted more than anything else.

I have seen the opposite; the husband is working hard to make lots of money for his family. He is a caring loving father, attending every game their son played, etc. etc. But he was neglecting to give his wife what she really wanted ... time with him.

So, all that said if you are married why don't you ask your spouse WHAT DO YOU want from me in our relationship? What is the best way I can say (show) I love you? Then do that!

Having a wonderful happy marriage isn't about EVERYTHING being PERFECT, but it is a lot about GIVING YOUR SPOUSE what they WANT and NEED, not just what you want to give and THINK they need.

DISCLAIMER: I am not talking about crazy unrealistic expectations here! Like a wife that wants her husband to make millions of dollars, yet wants him home all the time ... can't have both in the real world! You just have to decide what is MOST important, then be happy about it!

For me personally there are several things that are important to me, but one of them trumps them all ... and as long as that's going good I don't care all that much about the others. So know your spouses "love language" and speak to him/her in that language so he/she can understand what you are saying!

God bless!

Ash Wednesday

Ash Wednesday, in the Western Christian calendar, is the first day of Lent and occurs forty days (not counting Sundays) before Easter. It is a moveable fast, falling on a different date each year because it is dependent on the date of Easter. It can occur as early as 4 February or as late as 10 March.

Ash Wednesday derives its name from the practice of placing ashes on the foreheads of adherents as a sign of repentance. The ashes used are typically gathered after the Palm Crosses from the previous year's Palm Sunday are burned. In the liturgical practice of some churches, the ashes are mixed with the Oil of the Catechumens (one of the sacred oils used to anoint those about to be baptized), though some churches use ordinary oil. This paste is used by the minister who presides at the service to make the sign of the cross, first upon his or her own forehead and then on those of congregants. The minister administering ashes recites the words: "Remember (O man) that you are dust, and to dust you shall return", "Repent, and believe the Gospel," or "Turn away from sin, and be faithful to the Gospel."

Lent is also a time when many Christians prepare for Easter by observing a period of fasting, repentance, moderation and spiritual discipline.

Not all Christian churches observe Ash Wednesday or Lent. They are mostly observed by the Lutheran, Methodist, Presbyterian and Anglican denominations, and also by Roman Catholics. Eastern Orthodox churches observe Lent or Great Lent, during the 6 weeks or 40 days preceding Palm Sunday with fasting continuing during the Holy Week of Easter. Lent for Eastern Orthodox churches begin on Monday and Ash Wednesday is not observed.

The Bible does not mention Ash Wednesday or the custom of Lent, however, the practice of repentance and mourning in ashes is found in 2 Samuel 13:19; Esther 4:1; Job 2:8; Daniel 9:3; and Matthew 11:21.

MY PERSONAL THOUGHTS

I was not raised in a church culture that formally observed Lent Season. But over the last 5 years or so I have come to appreciate it to be a meaningful time to reflect on my own spirituality. I do use the Lent season as a time for concentrated prayers, fasting, and repentance and I would encourage you to do the same. Start TODAY! Or you can do as I do; take a week, ten days, or 21 days within the forty days to really focus on your relationship with God.

SNL at Mercy Church

Church Planting 201

IMPORTANT PIECES TO THE PUZZLE
There are a million things that affect church growth, and honestly you can have all these things in place and not get the same results as someone else may get; it’s unexplainable... yet they are important! (make sense of that? Lol!)

1) Solid Biblical Teaching – this is obvious since we are leading a “church” for Pete’s sake, but it’s very important to really be teaching life-changing & hope-filled principles from the Bible. And just what method you use is up to you. You can be a seeker-style church, or even a more churchy-style church … they all seem to have their nitch and it works for them.

2) Passionate Worship – To only have music for entertainment is missing it ... my opinion.

3) Solid Kid’s Ministry – There is no future without children's ministry.

4) Assimilation – Getting plugged into your church ... keeping guests.

5) Discipleship – Growing people.

6) Prayer – Without God's blessing on your church, forget it!

7) A Real Heart for People – Can't fake this!

8) Leadership – Leaders lead.

9) Community – whether this is small groups, sunday school classes or whatever you use to help build community and initiate spiritual growth.

10) Fun – If you aren't having fun, that stinks!

Church Planting 101

10 Things I've Learned About Church Planting in 7 Years

1) Things don't always goes as planned; sometimes they go better, sometimes worse.

2) You better have a proper (biblical) definition of success, because if you don't you may feel like a failure at times.

3) Don't compare yourself to the rare few awesome church plants that went from 4 people in the basement of the pastor's house to 10,000 people in 90 days. These are special cases, rare cases that can not be explained and often can not be duplicated. A special act of God that we should be thrilled by! You can still do something super extraordinary!

4) Manage your relationships well.

5) Always put spouse and kids first (of course after God.)

6) Love the people God sends your way like crazy.

7) Make sure you don't lose your relationship with God while doing His work.

8) Be who God made YOU to be. Too many pastors, especially church planters, just copy the successful pastors.

9) Chose your close friends wisely; it's not just for anyone and everyone.

10) LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION. There are 3 parts to the whole "location" issue; A) Who is there? B) What Churches are there? C) Are you bringing something unique to the area?

IMPORTANT PIECES TO HAVE IN PLACE
...to be continued

The Year of Living Biblically

If I was asked (which I wasn't) to write a "praise for The Year of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs" I would say this:

"The Year of Living Biblically is a facinating read for any student of religion or curious agnostic. A.J. Jacobs does a splendid job of melting himself into religious faith, while keeping a skeptical (writer's) eye open to report his experiences with more kindness and grace I have experience in my 20 years as a minister in the church. A must read, one of my new favorites!"

All that said, I do recommend you read this book ... I think A.J. gives a great perspective on "us" Christians and people of religious faith that can help us better understand not only ourselves but the people and the world around us.

I found myself laughing out loud about every 5 pages, like belly laughing at his witty comments about various things ... you'll just need to read it to laugh for yourself.

THE GREATEST PART OF THE BOOK

If I read the entire book for only one thing, the thing I found on page 327, then it's worth the read; A.J. Jacobs refers to this thing called "Cafeteria Christianity" ... again, just get the book and read it. But it is very profound and so true.

I hope that by reading The Year of Living Biblically will inspire you to be more gracious towards others and their spiritual journey and more compassionate in our relationship with God.

Order Book Here: The Year of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs

I Get To ...

I was just thinking today how "lucky" or some would say "blessed" I am!

I GET TO ...

... wake up every morning and make breakfast for the coolest kids ever ... mine!
... sleep in a warm bed with a beautiful woman!
... work with friends!
... pastor the greatest church in all the known world!
... serve with the most wonderful people in the galaxy (at least our Galaxy)!
... live in a country where I can worship God freely!
... walk ... see ... hear ... smell...

When I actually begin looking at my life in light of the rest of the world, I have all the reasons in the world to be THANKFUL and GRATEFUL ... and I am!

Hanky Panky Challenge - DAY THREE

It's so much more challenging to "connect everyday with your spouse" when you are so busy! Have you noticed that? Between running kids to practice, science fairs, vocal practice, friends houses, and work ... where do you find the time?

This is why we offer the Hanky Panky Challenge; connecting each and everyday with your spouse isn't going to just happen ... it must be intentional! Something we PLAN, and then EXECUTE!

Here is my two-cents on how to make sure you are connecting each and everyday:

1) REMOVE excess from your day - TV time, facebook time, youtube time, etc. Each of those things are not bad in and of themselves, but when they take away from things that are more important, then it's a problem.

2) REPLACE wasted time with spouse time - Every couple must figure a way that works for them ... we are all different, there is no cookie-cutter approach to building strong relationships. We have a rule at our house; no computer stuff after 7PM ... it's family time from 7PM to 9PM. And we abide by that, then after we tuck the kids in bed we have time to talk (or whatever we want to do!)

3) PUT it in the calendar - put that special "connection" time in your calendar and do not let anything get in the way of that connection.

I hope that helps you ... please do share with us how the Hanky Panky Challenge is going for you and your spouse! God bless and Happy Hanky Panky!

www.hankypankychallenge.com

Hanky Panky Challenge - DAY ONE

The Traveler's Gift

This modern morality tale by gifted writer and speaker Andy Andrews teaches seven fundamental strategies for creating a successful life. The Traveler's Gift reminds me of the bestselling books by Og Mandino (I recommend them highly!), this unique narrative is a blend of entertaining fiction, allegory, and inspiration, with a hint of self-help. You'll be front-row in one man's journey of a lifetime.

David Ponder is at a crossroads. Having lost his job and the will to live, he has been supernaturally selected to travel through time, gathering wisdom for future generations. Visits to historical figures such as Abraham Lincoln, King Solomon, and Anne Frank yield the Seven Fundamentals for Success that will impact the entire world. A visit to the future reveals the result of David's journey, the fruits of his labor.

Ultimately, like David, readers will see how the perspective of our own circumstances is dramatically altered when we glimpse the "big picture" of life.

Here’s a summary of Andy Andrews’ Seven Decisions and just a sampling of the examples he generously provides in Mastering the Seven Decisions:

1. Be responsible – Make a decision.

Remember President Harry Truman, and that famous sign he kept on his desk “The Buck Stops Here.” He signed his name on a single sheet of paper that authorized the decision to drop the atomic bomb on two cities in order to end World War.

2. Seek Wisdom – Listen to the guidance that is offered from people you can trust.

Napoleon lost at Waterloo because he failed to listen to his troops who said that you can’t send them into battle without a bucket of nails, which were used to plug the torch holes of the cannons that were seized and render them useless. Without the nails, the British were able to get their cannons back and fire them at Napoleon’s forces, and win the battle for Waterloo.

3. Be a Person of Action – Seize the moment.

Bill Gates decided to drop out of school at Harvard University to build a computer system that would one day become Microsoft.

Joshua Lawrence Chamberlin, a school teacher, out of ammunition against overwhelming odds, led a bayonet charge against fully armed Confederate troops, and won the battle of Gettysburg.

4. Have a Decided Heart- Ignore rejection, let your passion be your guide.

Mark Victor Hansen and Jack Canfield’s book was rejected by over fifty publishers before Peter Vegso at Health Communications decided to take a chance on them. The Chicken Soup for the Soul book series has now sold over 100 million copies.

Thomas Edison tried and failed over 1,000 times, before creating the incandescent light bulb.

Joan of Arc was only seventeen years old when she led the armies of France against the English. The military leaders cringed at the thought of a peasant girl leading the men of France. “Immediately. Now. Now, we must take them now. I intend to strike at the heart of the barricade,” she said. “If you go in, not a man will follow you,” they told her. “I won’t be looking back,” she replied.

5. Choose to be happy – Put a smile on your face or you won’t be the one chosen.

Consider what employers do. If you have two prospective employees with the same educational background, and equal experience, who are about the same age, and even look and dress very similar. One of them gripes and complains, and the other one smiles and is happy.

Or how about the husband who’s jealous of the way his wife treated their dog. Day after day, year after year, the wife would come home from work and the dog would run to the door, smiling, tail wagging happily, giving wholehearted, devoted attention, and lavish affection to the wife, every time she came home. And how did the wife treat the dog? Oh baby, come to mama… good to see you! Oh, I love you, too.

Lesson learned? If you want to be treated at least as well as the dog, then maybe you should take some lessons.

Ain’t that the truth!

6. Forgive! Forget Anger Management – Use Anger Resolution

Joshua Chamberlin, who led that famous charge at Waterloo, was chosen by President Abraham Lincoln to accept the Confederate surrender at Appomattox. There, Chamberlin stunned the world with a show of forgiveness and respect: He ordered his troops to attention, saluting General Robert E. Lee and the defeated South. With that bold stroke, planned behind the scenes by Lincoln of course, the President of the once again United States of America began the healing of a nation and its people.

7. Persist without exception.

Nelson Mandela sought to transform a country filled with racial divisions and oppression into an open democracy. His real qualities of forgiveness, patience and persistence were revealed to the world only after he was released from prison. He served a twenty-seven year sentence for leading a non-violent strike and for his involvement in the African national Congress’ resistance against the ruling National Party’s apartheid policy.

In Mastering the Seven Decisions, Andy Andrews aims to prove that everything you do matters, not just for you, your family, your business, and our country today, but for generations to come.

Andrews says that those people, including himself, who accomplish their goals by working all seven decision do so through intense focus, hard work, and determination to succeed. But the pay-off is worthwhile. When you begin to use these seven decisions, you stop blindly following the pack and gain the opportunity to develop the individual personal habits and practices that lead to success in whatever you do, so you can have fun, invest meaningful time with the people you are with, and give generously to others.

This is a book that has landed in the TOP 20 of my FAVORITES!