Unhappily Ever After

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Marriage works best when each spouse serves the other as if they were perfect! Rather then what we typically do (because we don't feel like doing it the other way) which is to treat the other person like we feel they are treating us. This is the cycle of doom.

He doesn't love me, therefor I will not love him, and because she won't love me, I won't love her ... on and on it goes. Usually this scenario ends in divorce. Or at least ends in two people just living unhappily ever after!

Neither wants this cycle of doom, yet both continue to feed it through pride. And I see this a lot, and I am tempted to jump into it myself from time to time (even though you understand Jana is perfect there are those rare occasions she doesn't do just what I would like her to do). I think we all are tempted from time to time to jump our of the happy ship, into the unhappy ship of doom.

Jesus tells us to to "love our enemies." Wow, what a challenge. Hopefully our spouse hasn't become our enemy, but sometimes they can feel like it. And they become difficult, if not impossible, in our minds, to love. But the Bible also tells us that "all things are possible with God."

So maybe, just maybe you are looking at your spouse for all that he/she ISN'T, and treated him/her like they AIN'T? When you should be treating them like they are ALL THAT and a BAG OF BEANS. Love him/her like he/she is all you ever had hoped for ... and see what happens. Seriously!

I can hear someone saying; "But Timmy he isn't all that and a bag of beans ... he is all that and a bag of poop." Well, maybe, just maybe he has become the person he has been told he is? You call him a lazy bum, so he is a lazy bum? MMMMMMMMM?

This is called complimenting and encouraging our spouses to be all they can be ... helping them become a better person!

Well I gotta run, but just try it ... if you are married SERVE YOUR SPOUSE! Call him/her RIGHT now and REPENT for whatever happened this morning, or last night and say "I love you ... I've been stressed, you've been stressed, there's a lot going on in our lives ... and I love you and believe in you!"

Peace!

Content

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Why I write what I write:

I have been asked before WHY I write about what I write about here on my blog, and that is a good question. Sometimes I write on whatever I am reading or studying at the time, other times (majority)I write as a result of emails from you the reader wanting to know about certain things, and sometimes it's just something I have pulled out of left field.

If you've been reading my blog at any length at all over the years I am sure you have noticed I write a lot about Marriage (and all things related ... like sex, communication, love, adultery, etc.) And the reason for this is that I have a real passion to help couples grow a healthy marriage AND I receive a ton of emails asking me about such things.

So just FYI ... if you have a question, whether it's spiritual, marital, emotional, personal, or professional that you'd like me to address Anonymously, then this is the place to do it.

In memo put: "Blog Question"

Email: pastor@mercychurchKC.com

I pray that your life is all that you want it to be!

My 40th Birthday Ride

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Going off my earlier blog entry; Making Memories, I just returned home from my first road trip on a motorcycle. I and three friends left Kansas City Monday, June 1 at about 8:30am and arrived in Eureka Springs, Arkansas at about 6:00pm, butts soar, deaf from the noise of the load pipes and the wind blowing at 65 mph right into the ear canal, sun burnt, hungry and flat worn out. It was awesome!

I would assume if I had a cruiser type bike I would have fared much better, but my bike is a small 800 1995 Kawasaki Vulcan that has been customized to make it specifically NOT a bike for long trips. The nickname for my style of bike is a "Bar-hopper" which means its only good for hopping from bar to bar (which I don't do - FYI).

The trip was just amazing, seeing many beautiful sights in the Ozarks ... the roads were absolutely amazing to ride, curvy and open with landscaping done by God on both sides. We took lots of video to capture some of it to show our families.

If you've seen the movie Wild Hogs you will appreciate this; I actually slapped a Bull's butt! I really did! Of course I did it through the fence and you'd probably call it a pat, rather then a slap. But I did touch the Bull! And it's on film to verify!

The part I enjoyed most was the time spent with friends I would say, because without them (Brandon Hollis, Orin Borgelt and Scott Sidebottom) it wouldn't have been near as meaningful ... still beautiful, but the late hour conversations (and cigars) made it an over all magnificent trip I will forever remember. Thanks guys!

One of many memorable moments for me was the trip home; I woke up at my usual 5:30am and thought I'd better check the weather since we had heard there was a major thunderstorm possible the day we were to head home. I checked the radar on my handy-dandy cell phone (what would we do without them) and there was a massive storm moving into the Eureka Springs area with flash flooding possible. It was to hit between 10am - 12pm (the time we were planning to leave). So it's either leave ASAP or wait til the storm passes around 3:00pm and get home late.

I wanted to be home to see my family, and I knew the other guys did as well. So I woke them up at about 6:30am and showed them the radar, then turned on the Weather Channel to further confirm our situation. The RUSH to get out of there began.

We get cleaned up, packed, loaded it's 7:00am and Brandon's bike won't start. So we push his HUGE cruiser bike up a HUGE hill so he can try to jump start it ... after we push it up the hill he tries one more time to push the little start button, and it starts (good thing we had pushed him up the hill). It's dark and quiet and not because the suns not out, it's cloudy, stormy ... eerie, and cold!

We get gas and hit the road, I of course didn't plan on the temperature dropping below 80, since it is June. But it was down in the 60's, which is doable unless you get rained on, which we did but I was the only one without a rain suit! Not only is it hard to ride in the rain because you feel like you are being shot by a pump action Daisey BB Gun by 100 10 year olds in the face, it's very hard to see, plus it's slick.

So there I am wet, cold, hypothermia is setting in (not really, though I did have the uncontrollable chills) and we are a long way from home. We stopped to recover for a minute and get me some dry clothes and a custom made trash bag rain suit donated to me from the sympathetic convenient store owner for the 8 mile trip to the nearest Wal-mart so I could get a real rain suit. We buy the $10.88 rain suit, put it on, and get back on the bikes ... no more rain! Go figure, the rest of the ride was fabulous!

All that said, it makes the list for memorable moments for 2009!

Sex - A Gift

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I think we have forgotten that Sex is a gift from God to couples who have entered into covenant with each other - what we refer to as "marriage."

I know, I know, I sound "old fashion" or "fuddy duddy" or even "ultra-traditional" here, but it's true. But I only bring this up, not to further frustrate the single person, but to encourage the married person ... HAVE SEX, and lots of it! Sex is something that God has blessed you and your spouse with ... it's a gift FROM GOD to YOU and your spouse ... enjoy the gift! Often!

TIPS TO MAKING LOVE-MAKING EXCITING

1) Find new places to do it.
2) Find new ways to do it.
3) Find other ways to pleasure one another besides the old faithful. (The "old faithful" is the normal thing ... change it up)
4) Buy a Kama-sutra book - read and follow instructions!
5) If you have kids in the home - then take advantage of any time they are gone or outside playing. (You can clean the house later ... just lock the doors)
6) See how many times a day you can do it!
7) See how many times in one night you can do it!
9) Spend an hour just touching and kissing.
10) Play Doctor.

Enjoy!

Greener Grass

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Maybe you've heard it said, "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence". I am here to tell you that that isn't true! Or should I say there is a reason it is true in some cases!

Of course I am referring to marriage here ... this happens to all marriages at some point along the way, but hopefully gets corrected quickly before you mess things up. Just like a plane flying across country has to "course correct" many times along the way, so do marriages!

So you get married to your "perfect spouse" ... lol, right? All you could see back then was ALL the great traits, all the reasons you just had to marry this guy or girl! Side note here: I officiate about 25 plus weddings a year, and this is true! I will ask these starry-eyed couples; "is there anything that bothers you about your future spouse that we should talk about and figure out before you walk the isle?" Typically the response is always, "Oh no, we never fight ... I guess we are just made for each other (giggle, giggle..."

I always sit there laughing inside thinking, "oh there will come a day that you'll have a LIST of things that bother you!" But this is the way most all of us started out.

So what happens? Easy ... back in the dating days we maximized the traits we liked, and minimized the traits we didn't like ... therefor the GRASS WAS GREENER AT HOME! Hence the reason you walked the isle, signed the contract, said some vows, even shed a tear of joy and changed your last name. But after time that switches and we maximize the traits we hate, and minimize (forget) the traits we like ... and we then maximize the traits we like of someone else and minimize the traits we don't like of someone else... this is when the grass starts becoming greener on the other side of the fence! Because now you are watering over the fence!

I know that marriage issues are vast and complicated, but I am pretty confident when I say, "I can help couples fix most any marriage issue they have." IF (always an IF in there) ... IF they are willing to do what I tell them to do!

Bible Reading Plan - weeks 23 - 29

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Week 23

June 1
Proverbs 4-6

June 2
Proverbs 7-9

June 3
Proverbs 10-12

June 4
Proverbs 13-15

June 5
Proverbs 16-18

June 6
Proverbs 19-21

June 7
Proverbs 22-24

Week 24

June 8
1 Kings 5-6; 2 Chronicles 2-3

June 9
1 Kings 7; 2 Chronicles 4

June 10
1 Kings 8; 2 Chronicles 5

June 11
2 Chronicles 6-7; Psalms 136

June 12
Psalms 134, 146-150

June 13
1 Kings 9; 2 Chronicles 8

June 14
Proverbs 25-26


Week 25

June 15
Proverbs 27-29

June 16
Ecclesiastes 1-6

June 17
Ecclesiastes 7-12

June 18
1 Kings 10-11; 2 Chronicles 9

June 19
Proverbs 30-31

June 20
1 Kings 12-14

June 21
2 Chronicles 10-12

Week 26

June 22
1 Kings 15:1-24; 2 Chronicles 13-16

June 23
1 Kings 15:25-16:34; 2 Chronicles 17

June 24
1 Kings 17-19

June 25
1 Kings 20-21

June 26
1 Kings 22; 2 Chronicles 18

June 27
2 Chronicles 19-23

June 28
Obadiah; Psalms 82-83


Week 27

June 29
2 Kings 1-4

June 30
2 Kings 5-8

July 1
2 Kings 9-11

July 2
2 Kings 12-13; 2 Chronicles 24

July 3
2 Kings 14; 2 Chronicles 25

July 4
Jonah

July 5
2 Kings 15; 2 Chronicles 26

Week 28

July 6
Isaiah 1-4

July 7
Isaiah 5-8

July 8
Amos 1-5

July 9
Amos 6-9

July 10
2 Chronicles 27; Isaiah 9-12

July 11
Micah

July 12
2 Chronicles 28; 2 Kings 16-17

Week 29

July 13
Isaiah 13-17

July 14
Isaiah 18-22

July 15
Isaiah 23-27

July 16
2 Kings 18:1-8; 2 Chronicles 29-31; Psalms 48

July 17
Hosea 1-7

July 18
Hosea 8-14

July 19
Isaiah 28-30

Bible Reading Plan - weeks 20 - 22

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Week 20

May 11
Psalms 32, 51, 86, 122

May 12
2 Samuel 13-15

May 13
Psalms 3-4, 12-13, 28, 55

May 14
2 Samuel 16-18

May 15
Psalms 26, 40, 58, 61, 62, 64

May 16
2 Samuel 19-21

May 17
Psalms 5, 38, 41, 42

Week 21

May 18
2 Samuel 22-23, 57

May 19
Psalms 95, 97-99

May 20
2 Samuel 24; 1 Chronicles 21-22; Psalms 30

May 21
Psalms 108-110

May 22
1 Chronicles 23-25

May 23
Psalms 131, 138, 139, 143-145

May 24
1 Chronicles 26-29; Psalms 127

Week 22

May 25
Psalms 111-118

May 26
1 Kings 1-2; Psalms 37, 71, 94

May 27
Psalms 119:1-88

May 28
1 Kings 3-4; 2 Chronicles 1; Psalms 72

May 29
Psalms 119:89-176

May 30
Song of Solomon

May 31
Proverbs 1-3

Your Life

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If everyone lived like you live what would this world be like? I didn't say, if this world DID what you did ... I am not talking about specifics here like; how you dress, how you wear your hair, or what you do for a living ... I am talking about LIFE-STYLE. i.e. Are you honest? Can you be counted on? Are you kind? Do you work hard on the job?

So, if everyone lived like you, would this world be a better place? Here are some reflective questions for you to ponder as you look to the future:

1) If everyone was the kind of husband/wife I am ... marriages would be better or worse?

2) If everyone was the kind of friend I am ...

3) If everyone was the kind of boss I am ...

4) If everyone was the kind of employee I am ...

5) If everyone was the kind of giver I am ...

6) If everyone gave to their home-church like I do ... they would be out of business, or thriving financially?

7) If everyone was the kind of parent I am ...

8) If everyone ...(put your own thought here) ...

What kind of person are you?

Selfish or Selfless, Greedy or Giving, Hateful or Loving, Bitter or Forgiving ... make YOUR LIFE count by being the BEST person you can!

I Would Chose You Again

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If by chance you are reading this and you are married and not happy, and if you could go back in time you would not chose your spouse, can I just say that there is hope. Because you chose him/her the first time for a reason (I am sure you are foggy on that reason at this point ... but there was a reason you walked the isle).

Here are just a few life lessons I have learned and have really aided in my ever-growing love for my wife, and her ever-growing love for me.

1) Stop focusing on all the things you hate about your mate!

2) Start focusing on all the good things (the things that once attracted you to them. I know, this can be tough when all you have focused on for the last 5 years is the bad irritating stuff.)

3) Share with your spouse the things that really bother you about them (I am so surprised when I counsel with a couple and she/he will bring up something that bothers them and their spouse is totally unaware of it. And they usually say, "why haven't you told me before ... I would have stopped." This comes back to all the all to common, but not practiced, COMMUNICATION! Your spouse can not read minds, even with a crystal ball!

There have been times Jana is mopping around and I'll ask her what is wrong ... and she just needed a hug ... and I am like, "honey, all you have to do is ask ... or tell me, and I am all about it."

Maybe you are like me and have got your underwear in knots over something, and then quietly I get more and more upset over something that my spouse has no clue of? Come on, I am not alone here! And what makes us even madder is that they just go on being happy like nothing is wrong, while we suffer. Why? Because we haven't COMMUNICATED!

4) Speak well of your spouse to others (the rule applies; if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all)

I have never, and I mean never, spoke ill of Jana in 15 years to anyone! That kind of crap doesn't serve anyone well. It just gets you thinking more and more about what you don't like, and then it fuels the hatred, and also fans the flame in your friends and gives them a sour view of your spouse. I could talk more about this, but it would need to be it's own blog entry ... just trust me and don't do it!

And NEVER EVER talk bad to your parents about your spouse. "Oh but Timmy, my mom is my best friend and I tell her everything." I don't care, don't do it! Your parents should think your spouse hung the moon.

Disclaimer: I am talking about normal situations ... if he is abusive then tell someone, tell your parents, hello! Tell the police, a counselor! Get help and pack your stuff and leave!

5) Make positive confessions about your spouse (this goes hand in hand with the previous point. And I am telling you this works, try it! I have never read this anywhere, but came up with it myself.

Here is my story that may be helpful:

When I first married Jana 15 years ago it was tough for me ... the thought of this being it ... no more dating ... one girl for the rest of my life. I had dated a lot through my years and liked dating around, loved meeting new people, having new experiences. And that was to change as it related to women now, I was married ... forever committed to ONE WOMEN. (this is often times a fear in may guys who are getting ready to get married) But I didn't want to feel this way, I wanted to be crazy happy to be with Jana, my one and only. So I started saying OUT LOUD what I wanted to be true for me. And here are the confessions I made for about the first 6 months of our marriage that changed my life, and our marriage.

"I only love(insert spouses name)"

"(insert spouses name)is the only women/man for me"

"No one can turn me on like (insert spouses name)"

"I only want (insert spouses name)"

"(insert spouses name)is beautiful/handsome"

"(insert spouses name)is so hot/sexy"

"I am crazy in-love with (insert spouses name)"

"I will always be faithful to (insert spouses name)"

"I love being with (insert spouses name)"

Say those everyday for 30 days and see what it does to your relationship!