Sex - A Gift

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I think we have forgotten that Sex is a gift from God to couples who have entered into covenant with each other - what we refer to as "marriage."

I know, I know, I sound "old fashion" or "fuddy duddy" or even "ultra-traditional" here, but it's true. But I only bring this up, not to further frustrate the single person, but to encourage the married person ... HAVE SEX, and lots of it! Sex is something that God has blessed you and your spouse with ... it's a gift FROM GOD to YOU and your spouse ... enjoy the gift! Often!

TIPS TO MAKING LOVE-MAKING EXCITING

1) Find new places to do it.
2) Find new ways to do it.
3) Find other ways to pleasure one another besides the old faithful. (The "old faithful" is the normal thing ... change it up)
4) Buy a Kama-sutra book - read and follow instructions!
5) If you have kids in the home - then take advantage of any time they are gone or outside playing. (You can clean the house later ... just lock the doors)
6) See how many times a day you can do it!
7) See how many times in one night you can do it!
9) Spend an hour just touching and kissing.
10) Play Doctor.

Enjoy!

Greener Grass

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Maybe you've heard it said, "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence". I am here to tell you that that isn't true! Or should I say there is a reason it is true in some cases!

Of course I am referring to marriage here ... this happens to all marriages at some point along the way, but hopefully gets corrected quickly before you mess things up. Just like a plane flying across country has to "course correct" many times along the way, so do marriages!

So you get married to your "perfect spouse" ... lol, right? All you could see back then was ALL the great traits, all the reasons you just had to marry this guy or girl! Side note here: I officiate about 25 plus weddings a year, and this is true! I will ask these starry-eyed couples; "is there anything that bothers you about your future spouse that we should talk about and figure out before you walk the isle?" Typically the response is always, "Oh no, we never fight ... I guess we are just made for each other (giggle, giggle..."

I always sit there laughing inside thinking, "oh there will come a day that you'll have a LIST of things that bother you!" But this is the way most all of us started out.

So what happens? Easy ... back in the dating days we maximized the traits we liked, and minimized the traits we didn't like ... therefor the GRASS WAS GREENER AT HOME! Hence the reason you walked the isle, signed the contract, said some vows, even shed a tear of joy and changed your last name. But after time that switches and we maximize the traits we hate, and minimize (forget) the traits we like ... and we then maximize the traits we like of someone else and minimize the traits we don't like of someone else... this is when the grass starts becoming greener on the other side of the fence! Because now you are watering over the fence!

I know that marriage issues are vast and complicated, but I am pretty confident when I say, "I can help couples fix most any marriage issue they have." IF (always an IF in there) ... IF they are willing to do what I tell them to do!

Bible Reading Plan - weeks 23 - 29

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Week 23

June 1
Proverbs 4-6

June 2
Proverbs 7-9

June 3
Proverbs 10-12

June 4
Proverbs 13-15

June 5
Proverbs 16-18

June 6
Proverbs 19-21

June 7
Proverbs 22-24

Week 24

June 8
1 Kings 5-6; 2 Chronicles 2-3

June 9
1 Kings 7; 2 Chronicles 4

June 10
1 Kings 8; 2 Chronicles 5

June 11
2 Chronicles 6-7; Psalms 136

June 12
Psalms 134, 146-150

June 13
1 Kings 9; 2 Chronicles 8

June 14
Proverbs 25-26


Week 25

June 15
Proverbs 27-29

June 16
Ecclesiastes 1-6

June 17
Ecclesiastes 7-12

June 18
1 Kings 10-11; 2 Chronicles 9

June 19
Proverbs 30-31

June 20
1 Kings 12-14

June 21
2 Chronicles 10-12

Week 26

June 22
1 Kings 15:1-24; 2 Chronicles 13-16

June 23
1 Kings 15:25-16:34; 2 Chronicles 17

June 24
1 Kings 17-19

June 25
1 Kings 20-21

June 26
1 Kings 22; 2 Chronicles 18

June 27
2 Chronicles 19-23

June 28
Obadiah; Psalms 82-83


Week 27

June 29
2 Kings 1-4

June 30
2 Kings 5-8

July 1
2 Kings 9-11

July 2
2 Kings 12-13; 2 Chronicles 24

July 3
2 Kings 14; 2 Chronicles 25

July 4
Jonah

July 5
2 Kings 15; 2 Chronicles 26

Week 28

July 6
Isaiah 1-4

July 7
Isaiah 5-8

July 8
Amos 1-5

July 9
Amos 6-9

July 10
2 Chronicles 27; Isaiah 9-12

July 11
Micah

July 12
2 Chronicles 28; 2 Kings 16-17

Week 29

July 13
Isaiah 13-17

July 14
Isaiah 18-22

July 15
Isaiah 23-27

July 16
2 Kings 18:1-8; 2 Chronicles 29-31; Psalms 48

July 17
Hosea 1-7

July 18
Hosea 8-14

July 19
Isaiah 28-30

Bible Reading Plan - weeks 20 - 22

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Week 20

May 11
Psalms 32, 51, 86, 122

May 12
2 Samuel 13-15

May 13
Psalms 3-4, 12-13, 28, 55

May 14
2 Samuel 16-18

May 15
Psalms 26, 40, 58, 61, 62, 64

May 16
2 Samuel 19-21

May 17
Psalms 5, 38, 41, 42

Week 21

May 18
2 Samuel 22-23, 57

May 19
Psalms 95, 97-99

May 20
2 Samuel 24; 1 Chronicles 21-22; Psalms 30

May 21
Psalms 108-110

May 22
1 Chronicles 23-25

May 23
Psalms 131, 138, 139, 143-145

May 24
1 Chronicles 26-29; Psalms 127

Week 22

May 25
Psalms 111-118

May 26
1 Kings 1-2; Psalms 37, 71, 94

May 27
Psalms 119:1-88

May 28
1 Kings 3-4; 2 Chronicles 1; Psalms 72

May 29
Psalms 119:89-176

May 30
Song of Solomon

May 31
Proverbs 1-3

Your Life

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If everyone lived like you live what would this world be like? I didn't say, if this world DID what you did ... I am not talking about specifics here like; how you dress, how you wear your hair, or what you do for a living ... I am talking about LIFE-STYLE. i.e. Are you honest? Can you be counted on? Are you kind? Do you work hard on the job?

So, if everyone lived like you, would this world be a better place? Here are some reflective questions for you to ponder as you look to the future:

1) If everyone was the kind of husband/wife I am ... marriages would be better or worse?

2) If everyone was the kind of friend I am ...

3) If everyone was the kind of boss I am ...

4) If everyone was the kind of employee I am ...

5) If everyone was the kind of giver I am ...

6) If everyone gave to their home-church like I do ... they would be out of business, or thriving financially?

7) If everyone was the kind of parent I am ...

8) If everyone ...(put your own thought here) ...

What kind of person are you?

Selfish or Selfless, Greedy or Giving, Hateful or Loving, Bitter or Forgiving ... make YOUR LIFE count by being the BEST person you can!

I Would Chose You Again

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If by chance you are reading this and you are married and not happy, and if you could go back in time you would not chose your spouse, can I just say that there is hope. Because you chose him/her the first time for a reason (I am sure you are foggy on that reason at this point ... but there was a reason you walked the isle).

Here are just a few life lessons I have learned and have really aided in my ever-growing love for my wife, and her ever-growing love for me.

1) Stop focusing on all the things you hate about your mate!

2) Start focusing on all the good things (the things that once attracted you to them. I know, this can be tough when all you have focused on for the last 5 years is the bad irritating stuff.)

3) Share with your spouse the things that really bother you about them (I am so surprised when I counsel with a couple and she/he will bring up something that bothers them and their spouse is totally unaware of it. And they usually say, "why haven't you told me before ... I would have stopped." This comes back to all the all to common, but not practiced, COMMUNICATION! Your spouse can not read minds, even with a crystal ball!

There have been times Jana is mopping around and I'll ask her what is wrong ... and she just needed a hug ... and I am like, "honey, all you have to do is ask ... or tell me, and I am all about it."

Maybe you are like me and have got your underwear in knots over something, and then quietly I get more and more upset over something that my spouse has no clue of? Come on, I am not alone here! And what makes us even madder is that they just go on being happy like nothing is wrong, while we suffer. Why? Because we haven't COMMUNICATED!

4) Speak well of your spouse to others (the rule applies; if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all)

I have never, and I mean never, spoke ill of Jana in 15 years to anyone! That kind of crap doesn't serve anyone well. It just gets you thinking more and more about what you don't like, and then it fuels the hatred, and also fans the flame in your friends and gives them a sour view of your spouse. I could talk more about this, but it would need to be it's own blog entry ... just trust me and don't do it!

And NEVER EVER talk bad to your parents about your spouse. "Oh but Timmy, my mom is my best friend and I tell her everything." I don't care, don't do it! Your parents should think your spouse hung the moon.

Disclaimer: I am talking about normal situations ... if he is abusive then tell someone, tell your parents, hello! Tell the police, a counselor! Get help and pack your stuff and leave!

5) Make positive confessions about your spouse (this goes hand in hand with the previous point. And I am telling you this works, try it! I have never read this anywhere, but came up with it myself.

Here is my story that may be helpful:

When I first married Jana 15 years ago it was tough for me ... the thought of this being it ... no more dating ... one girl for the rest of my life. I had dated a lot through my years and liked dating around, loved meeting new people, having new experiences. And that was to change as it related to women now, I was married ... forever committed to ONE WOMEN. (this is often times a fear in may guys who are getting ready to get married) But I didn't want to feel this way, I wanted to be crazy happy to be with Jana, my one and only. So I started saying OUT LOUD what I wanted to be true for me. And here are the confessions I made for about the first 6 months of our marriage that changed my life, and our marriage.

"I only love(insert spouses name)"

"(insert spouses name)is the only women/man for me"

"No one can turn me on like (insert spouses name)"

"I only want (insert spouses name)"

"(insert spouses name)is beautiful/handsome"

"(insert spouses name)is so hot/sexy"

"I am crazy in-love with (insert spouses name)"

"I will always be faithful to (insert spouses name)"

"I love being with (insert spouses name)"

Say those everyday for 30 days and see what it does to your relationship!

Sexual Responsibility

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As many of you know I am not afraid to write about issues that we as people are faced with head on ... and the issues surrounding "SEX within a marriage" are so vast and can often be convoluted (as many of you well know) so I will attempt to address some here.

First, let me say that I am very conservative on some issues and very liberal in others ... as it relates to sex before marriage I am very conservative and think that we are best served to follow God's teaching and save sex for marriage and keep it only in marriage. And the things I've heard people say that they claim are benefits to having sex before getting married are simply foolish when compared to all the problems caused from premarital sexual activity.

Now, I am not judging you! I was unable to save myself for marriage and lost my virginity when I was 17 and live a promiscuous life til I was 23. But trust me when I say, "I wish I had saved myself for Jana ... oh how I wish I could have given her a gift that was hers and hers alone."

Alright, let's get into it ...

1 Corinthians 7:4 - 5 "The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

I received several emails from men and even women in regards to being sexually neglected by their spouses. I can't even tell you how unfortunate that it, because a soul-touching sex life is such a blessing.

There are several reasons a GUY may be neglecting his wife:

1) He has a physical issue (go see a doctor ... they have pills for that!)

2) He has an emotional issue (digging into his past may help to discover what is going on here...)

3) He has a psychological issue

I have to give you the reasons I have heard, now this next one is going to maybe make some people upset, but it's what I hear from guys I counsel.

4) A wife who doesn't take care of herself (I have heard this from MEN and WOMEN ... "when I married him he was fit, active, and athletic and now all he does is sit around and watch Sports Center and drink beer." I've heard similar things from the men about their wives.

Disclaimer: I don't think a loving husband or a loving wife expects perfection (at least they shouldn't) and he should understand the natural process of aging but we should be doing the best we can with what we have been given to care for ourselves physically. And I have seen it happen when a couple got divorced ... she trimmed up, went tanning, and bought some new clothes, got a trendy hairdo ... she was like a whole new women on the market again ... how sad she didn't do that for her husband!

5) He has a sin issue

Back to some stuff that affects a man's sexuality ... I think that if a man watches PORN (which is bad!) it sets him up for being less interested in the real thing and more into fantasy. Plus PORN (which I have seen) is not real and it's "acting", therefore if he thinks that's what sex should be like every time then he is going to be disappointed because compared to his sex (and really anyone's sex life ... even if it's good) it seems lame compared to what he is seeing when he watches PORN.

Not to mention when a man looks at PORN he begins to be attracted to OTHER women other then his wife, which often leads to fantasizing about OTHER women when he is making love to his own wife (yet another bad thing). If a man needs to look at PORN to get "in the mood for sex", there is a problem.

Here is my advice to FIX the PROBLEM:

1) Make LOVE regularly (even if you or your spouse don't "feel" like it ... at least a few times a week, and I don't care if you are tired, busy or not in the mood ... just DO IT!)

2) Look at each other during love making (especially when you reach climax ... look at each other FACE TO FACE)

3) Turn the stupid-time-killing-relationship-destroying TV OFF and TALK (no wonder there is a problem in the bedroom when you spend several hours a day watching the stupid tube ... and if you have one in your bedroom, get rid of it TODAY!

Here is my rule: for every 2 hours you spend watching TV you should have sex once. So, if you watch 10 hours of TV a week you should have had sex 5 times)

Nothing (not sports, not hunting, not kids, not family, not career, not anything) should be more important than time with your spouse, period!

4) Buy a Kama Sutra book and read it, and do what it says (as a married couple you should be exploring each others bodies. I even propose you take a night a week or at least a night every month that you set aside several hours for love making and exploration (and don't use children as a lame excuse ... we have 2 children and it doesn't stop us! You can do whatever you want to do and you know it ... don't hide behind your kids!)

5) Seek professional Counseling if need be

From what I have learned from myself and counseling couples for 15 years is that many of our issues are fear related and come from within and we must dig deep to make sense of it all and to overcome our issues.

This blog is too long ... I will write more later ...

Emotional Neglect (2 of 2)

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Okay so yesterday I was pretty much talking to the women, and today I am pretty much talking to the men. Though I was told, from some women, that women shouldn't be neglected sexually either. I agree, and it is a real issue going both ways. Men can and do neglect their wives sexually by not pleasuring them (to be honest I was surprised at some statistics I recently read on the lack of orgasms happening between married couples) and by not being romantic and by not engaging in lots of foreplay.

How men neglect their wives emotionally:

1) By not putting their wife first (even before their job)!

2) By not treating them like they really are glad to be married to them!

3) By not complimenting her ... telling her she is the hottest thing on the planet!

4) By not including her in financial decisions!

5) By not treating her as an equal (because she is an equal ... and for many guys I know that women are superior - lol!)

6) By not listening to her issues without offering the "fix"!

7) By not giving lots of non-sexual touches!

8) By not planning special dates (other than Valentines Day, and Anniversary)!

9) By making sports or any other hobby more important then time with her!

10) By not helping around the house!

Sadly, I could go on! But I think you get the point!

I am by no means a perfect husband ... I've got my warts.

Just as a wife shouldn't neglect her husband's sexual needs, neither should a husband neglect his wife's emotional needs.

Couple’s are unhappy because they have UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS! She wanted to live in a mansion, drive a Ferrari and have a 5 CT Diamond on her finger while watching the latest episode of Days of Our Lives... and her husband just wasn't able to provide for an extravagant lifestyle while she just sat on her lazy prima donna butt. Or the guy who wants his wife to have a flawless body after 2 kids, have their sex life be like it is on *XXX videos, and have the house clean, the kids fed, and a hot meal on the table when he gets home from work. (*Not even Porn Stars have that kind of sex off screen ... it's called acting ... it's not real)

Let's get real here people! Live in the NOW! I fear that some people read WAY TOO MANY books, and WATCH way too much television to know what reality is! But I will say there is a happy medium ... I also feel we shouldn't be settling for a crappy marriage thinking it's unrealistic to have anything else! There is a balance here!

I will say this; if you could do it over again - would you marry him/her? If not, then I recommend you seek counseling to work through it ... figure out WHY? And then hopefully discover what can be done to change it! Because you do not want the next 5 years to be like the last 5 years do you?

It is REALISTIC and totally okay to be happy with your marriage! If I could live a thousand lifetimes I would chose Jana each time!

Here are a few practical things to do guys:

1) Tell your wife verbally how crazy you are about her, and how happy you are that she chose you!

2) Give her a card monthly describing how you feel about her!

3) At least once a month take her out and just stare at her (like you did when you first met)

4) Dance with her in your bedroom (even if that just means biting your lower lip and rocking back and forth)

5) If she works somewhere ... you deliver flowers to her with a mushy card!

6) Start foreplay when you wake up ... continue that all day long!

7) Turn the TV off for a month ... and just focus on being with her every second you are home!

8) Ask her what she really wants to do ... then take her to do it!

9) Give her your whole heart!

10) Ask her to tell you her dreams!

Bottom Line:

Love her like crazy!

Sexual Neglect (1 of 2)

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I was having a conversation with Jana (my wife) about the whole SEX thing. And we were put off by a sit-com that had a scene with 3 dudes talking about their sex lives; one guy was married and hardly ever had sex and when he did it was lame (which I do not find funny at all ... nor do the husbands who aren't getting sex), then another guy who was engaged commented on how all was going pretty well in the bedroom (I do not promote sex before marriage ... just reporting here) and then of course the single guy was having lots of wild sex. It would be funny if it wasn't a sneak peek into many marriages today!

Here are 10 truths: (I will get to Emotional Neglect tomorrow)

1) Married couples should be having lots of meaningful sex - pretty much as much as they want it!
2) A wife who regularly turns her husband down for sex is sinning!
3) A husband and wife should be fulfilled sexually!
4) A husband should not be neglected sexually!
5) A wife who really loves her husband should WANT to have sex often!
6) A married couple should not be frustrated sexually!
7) Sex is the one thing you get to share in a marriage exclusively with each other (at least it should be that way)
8) Not meeting your husbands sexual needs is just as bad as him looking at porn!
9) Sex between a husband and wife is very Biblical and Spiritual and Holy!
10) Married couples should experience what I call soul-touching sex!

Now I realize that there are many variables out there; "my husband is a jerk, he is so not romantic, foreplay is him putting it on my leg, I have no desire (sorry, but this is a lame excuse ... do you go to the gym only when you have a desire too? or go to work only when you desire too? Or change a diaper only when you desire too? Or do anything for that matter only when you desire too? No, we all do things every single day because we should, and it's the right thing to do! At least that is how we should live our lives.

If you are a women it's possible you are reading this with an attitude thinking; "of course you feel this way, you are a man." And you would be wrong, because my wife is with me on this (and you will see why tomorrow when I talk to the guys).

When we (as spouses) neglect our spouse, whether it's emotionally or physically we dishonor them. We make them feel LESS then what God has designed them to be. One reason among many that I treat Jana like a princess and tell her how beautiful she is 5 times a day, with cards, notes, poems, verbally, and do romantic over-the-top dates often is partly because she does not neglect me. But, I don't neglect her.

What happens WAY to often is once the neglecting starts it begins a vicious cycle of neglect. He doesn't give me any emotional attention, and his sports or work are more important than me, so when he wants sex there ain't no-way he is getting it, then he gives even less emotional attention, which leads to even less sex ... and the cycle begins; you have two frustrated people living together in the same house, a couple kids running around to keep you busy and everyone is very unhappy. And you wonder why in heaven did I get married!

I am sure you understand that I am speaking in generalities ... but all true none-the-less.

So Timmy, what should I do, I am frustrated? COMMUNICATE! Stop the cycle! Throw in the white towel, and start over if you need too!

Wives ask your husband; are you fulfilled sexual ... is our sex life fulfilling to you? Only a brave, godly and loving wife would ask her husband that question! If you are unable or unwilling to ask your husband the above question - you have issues! Why? Because you don't want (or care) to hear the answer, nor do you care to fulfill your husbands sexual needs... can I just say, that's absolutely terrible!

If I wasn't loving Jana like she wanted to be loved I WOULD WANT TO KNOW and FIX IT! We should ALL LOVE our spouses as much!

Tomorrow: Emotional Neglect (don't worry ladies I will be even harder on the men then I was on you!)


WANT TO TALK TO ME? Call to set up an appointment with me at (913) 390-1200, or via email jana@mercychurchkc.com

I have clients call from all over the world, often using SKYPE or just phone ... either works for me. And we take payment ($75 an hour) through PayPal, it's very easy to set up and get done. I;ve love to help you however I can.