As many of you know I am not afraid to write about issues that we as people are faced with head on ... and the issues surrounding "SEX within a marriage" are so vast and can often be convoluted (as many of you well know) so I will attempt to address some here.
First, let me say that I am very conservative on some issues and very liberal in others ... as it relates to sex before marriage I am very conservative and think that we are best served to follow God's teaching and save sex for marriage and keep it only in marriage. And the things I've heard people say that they claim are benefits to having sex before getting married are simply foolish when compared to all the problems caused from premarital sexual activity.
Now, I am not judging you! I was unable to save myself for marriage and lost my virginity when I was 17 and live a promiscuous life til I was 23. But trust me when I say, "I wish I had saved myself for Jana ... oh how I wish I could have given her a gift that was hers and hers alone."
Alright, let's get into it ...
1 Corinthians 7:4 - 5 "The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
I received several emails from men and even women in regards to being sexually neglected by their spouses. I can't even tell you how unfortunate that it, because a soul-touching sex life is such a blessing.
There are several reasons a GUY may be neglecting his wife:
1) He has a physical issue (go see a doctor ... they have pills for that!)
2) He has an emotional issue (digging into his past may help to discover what is going on here...)
3) He has a psychological issue
I have to give you the reasons I have heard, now this next one is going to maybe make some people upset, but it's what I hear from guys I counsel.
4) A wife who doesn't take care of herself (I have heard this from MEN and WOMEN ... "when I married him he was fit, active, and athletic and now all he does is sit around and watch Sports Center and drink beer." I've heard similar things from the men about their wives.
Disclaimer: I don't think a loving husband or a loving wife expects perfection (at least they shouldn't) and he should understand the natural process of aging but we should be doing the best we can with what we have been given to care for ourselves physically. And I have seen it happen when a couple got divorced ... she trimmed up, went tanning, and bought some new clothes, got a trendy hairdo ... she was like a whole new women on the market again ... how sad she didn't do that for her husband!
5) He has a sin issue
Back to some stuff that affects a man's sexuality ... I think that if a man watches PORN (which is bad!) it sets him up for being less interested in the real thing and more into fantasy. Plus PORN (which I have seen) is not real and it's "acting", therefore if he thinks that's what sex should be like every time then he is going to be disappointed because compared to his sex (and really anyone's sex life ... even if it's good) it seems lame compared to what he is seeing when he watches PORN.
Not to mention when a man looks at PORN he begins to be attracted to OTHER women other then his wife, which often leads to fantasizing about OTHER women when he is making love to his own wife (yet another bad thing). If a man needs to look at PORN to get "in the mood for sex", there is a problem.
Here is my advice to FIX the PROBLEM:
1) Make LOVE regularly (even if you or your spouse don't "feel" like it ... at least a few times a week, and I don't care if you are tired, busy or not in the mood ... just DO IT!)
2) Look at each other during love making (especially when you reach climax ... look at each other FACE TO FACE)
3) Turn the stupid-time-killing-relationship-destroying TV OFF and TALK (no wonder there is a problem in the bedroom when you spend several hours a day watching the stupid tube ... and if you have one in your bedroom, get rid of it TODAY!
Here is my rule: for every 2 hours you spend watching TV you should have sex once. So, if you watch 10 hours of TV a week you should have had sex 5 times)
Nothing (not sports, not hunting, not kids, not family, not career, not anything) should be more important than time with your spouse, period!
4) Buy a Kama Sutra book and read it, and do what it says (as a married couple you should be exploring each others bodies. I even propose you take a night a week or at least a night every month that you set aside several hours for love making and exploration (and don't use children as a lame excuse ... we have 2 children and it doesn't stop us! You can do whatever you want to do and you know it ... don't hide behind your kids!)
5) Seek professional Counseling if need be
From what I have learned from myself and counseling couples for 15 years is that many of our issues are fear related and come from within and we must dig deep to make sense of it all and to overcome our issues.
This blog is too long ... I will write more later ...