Sexual Neglect (1 of 2)

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I was having a conversation with Jana (my wife) about the whole SEX thing. And we were put off by a sit-com that had a scene with 3 dudes talking about their sex lives; one guy was married and hardly ever had sex and when he did it was lame (which I do not find funny at all ... nor do the husbands who aren't getting sex), then another guy who was engaged commented on how all was going pretty well in the bedroom (I do not promote sex before marriage ... just reporting here) and then of course the single guy was having lots of wild sex. It would be funny if it wasn't a sneak peek into many marriages today!

Here are 10 truths: (I will get to Emotional Neglect tomorrow)

1) Married couples should be having lots of meaningful sex - pretty much as much as they want it!
2) A wife who regularly turns her husband down for sex is sinning!
3) A husband and wife should be fulfilled sexually!
4) A husband should not be neglected sexually!
5) A wife who really loves her husband should WANT to have sex often!
6) A married couple should not be frustrated sexually!
7) Sex is the one thing you get to share in a marriage exclusively with each other (at least it should be that way)
8) Not meeting your husbands sexual needs is just as bad as him looking at porn!
9) Sex between a husband and wife is very Biblical and Spiritual and Holy!
10) Married couples should experience what I call soul-touching sex!

Now I realize that there are many variables out there; "my husband is a jerk, he is so not romantic, foreplay is him putting it on my leg, I have no desire (sorry, but this is a lame excuse ... do you go to the gym only when you have a desire too? or go to work only when you desire too? Or change a diaper only when you desire too? Or do anything for that matter only when you desire too? No, we all do things every single day because we should, and it's the right thing to do! At least that is how we should live our lives.

If you are a women it's possible you are reading this with an attitude thinking; "of course you feel this way, you are a man." And you would be wrong, because my wife is with me on this (and you will see why tomorrow when I talk to the guys).

When we (as spouses) neglect our spouse, whether it's emotionally or physically we dishonor them. We make them feel LESS then what God has designed them to be. One reason among many that I treat Jana like a princess and tell her how beautiful she is 5 times a day, with cards, notes, poems, verbally, and do romantic over-the-top dates often is partly because she does not neglect me. But, I don't neglect her.

What happens WAY to often is once the neglecting starts it begins a vicious cycle of neglect. He doesn't give me any emotional attention, and his sports or work are more important than me, so when he wants sex there ain't no-way he is getting it, then he gives even less emotional attention, which leads to even less sex ... and the cycle begins; you have two frustrated people living together in the same house, a couple kids running around to keep you busy and everyone is very unhappy. And you wonder why in heaven did I get married!

I am sure you understand that I am speaking in generalities ... but all true none-the-less.

So Timmy, what should I do, I am frustrated? COMMUNICATE! Stop the cycle! Throw in the white towel, and start over if you need too!

Wives ask your husband; are you fulfilled sexual ... is our sex life fulfilling to you? Only a brave, godly and loving wife would ask her husband that question! If you are unable or unwilling to ask your husband the above question - you have issues! Why? Because you don't want (or care) to hear the answer, nor do you care to fulfill your husbands sexual needs... can I just say, that's absolutely terrible!

If I wasn't loving Jana like she wanted to be loved I WOULD WANT TO KNOW and FIX IT! We should ALL LOVE our spouses as much!

Tomorrow: Emotional Neglect (don't worry ladies I will be even harder on the men then I was on you!)


WANT TO TALK TO ME? Call to set up an appointment with me at (913) 390-1200, or via email jana@mercychurchkc.com

I have clients call from all over the world, often using SKYPE or just phone ... either works for me. And we take payment ($75 an hour) through PayPal, it's very easy to set up and get done. I;ve love to help you however I can.

Bible Reading Plan - weeks 18 & 19

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Week 18

April 27
Psalms 102-104

April 28
2 Samuel 5:1-10; 1 Chronicles 11-12

April 29
Psalm 133

April 30
Psalms 106-107

May 1
2 Samuel 5:11-6:23; 1 Chronicles 13-16

May 2
Psalms 1-2, 15, 22-24, 47, 68

May 3
Psalms 89, 96, 100-101, 105, 132


Week 19

May 4
2 Samuel 7; 1 Chronicles 17

May 5
Psalms 25, 29, 33, 36, 39

May 6
2 Samuel 8-9; 1 Chronicles 18

May 7
Psalms 50, 53, 60, 75

May 8
2 Samuel 10; 1 Chronicles 19; Psalms 20

May 9
Psalms 65-67, 69-70

May 10
2 Samuel 11-12; 1 Chronicles 20

So, I'm 40

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I just recently turned 40 years old. The funny thing is when I was a 20 year old I thought people who were 40 were old; I no longer think that!

I have had people ask me if turning 40 was hard; honestly, it wasn't. I guess it could be because I do not look, feel or even act 40 - thank God! But I am approaching the midway point of life ... for me I think 50 is midway, so I have some time.

I think another contributor to being okay with 40 is that I am doing exactly what I want to do, not saying that I have done all I want to do in life, or that I am even close to accomplishing all that I want to accomplish ... but I am on the right PATH. I am also very happy with my marriage (I've got a wonderful wife)... this is probably more of a factor than I am aware. "There is nothing worse than a bad marriage" my mom always told me!

Oh, of course there are disappointments in my life, even some regrets, things I'd like to change, but who doesn't have them? But I do not dwell on those, and allow them to get me down (at least I try not to ... sometimes I fail and let them get to me).

I guess the key, or at least one key, to a happy fulfilled life is simply doing what you love with who you love and keep doing that everyday for the rest of your life.

To all my friends who are 40 ... are you on the right path? If not, I would highly suggest you get on it asap so the rest of your life is taking you just where you really want to go!

Happy midlife crisis!

The Gap - Ted Haggard

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I have met people who had a bad experience growing up in a church. Typically a Fundamental, Legalistic, Judgmental, Hypocrytical, Narrow-minded church. I recently heard a statistic (didn't research it to see if it is infact true)that said basically "individuals who were raised in a legalistic denominational background were more likely to suffer from Anxiety Disorders."

Wow, honestly if that is true I can understand why. And here is my attempt to explain why I believe it to be true; when a person is taught "this is the way you are to live to get God's approval", and that "way" is don't do this, that, and definately not that or you are going to hell or God won't like you as much as this person who doesn't do "that"... and then you do all the things you don't want to do (sound like the apostle Paul), then you feel guilty ... the cycle begins.

The gap is between what you think you "should do or not do" and what you "are doing or not doing." And within that gap is where I believe Fear, Anxiety and Depression often live. I am no Psychologist, and I have never read anything on it, this is just what I have learned over the years with myself and those I have counseled.

Guilt and Shame are often too common in a Christian's life. Jesus came to set us FREE from that guilt and shame and until you believe, receive and live it out - you will be in dis-cord with yourself. Now this is not a license to live a sinful life and not feel bad about it!

All that to say; Jana and I just had lunch with Ted & Gayle Haggard. If you are unfamiliar with them, let me refresh your memory; Ted Haggard is the pastor from New Life Church in Colorado Springs who was all over the news 2 years ago for the scandal with the Gay Prostitute. Ted and his wife Gayle have also been on Oprah a couple times telling their story recently and HBO did a documentary on their journey to healing and restoration.

Jana and I had lot's of questions for them and their answers were full of grace, mercy and humility. It was nice to see them not suffering under the hand of bitterness, which could have very easily crept in to their journey and made it sour.

They are just 2 years past the ordeal, yet it is all still fresh in their minds and they continue their journey back from the grave. Jana and I both felt a genuine repentance in Ted, and a deep desire to continue to follow God. I told him that I feel his best days are ahead, like King David who sinned terribly, but did repent and turn to do great things. And of course Gayle, she was so sweet and a model of a women and wife. She was awesome. We pray that God will continue to work in and through them in the days and years ahead.

They mentioned they would love to be a part of a church like Mercy Church (they loved the name, of course!) if they only lived closer, because we are all about God's Grace, Mercy and showing the Love of God to the sinner (which is all of us).

Here is something I am passionate about and a great test to see if you are in a good church; if you are in a church that you must HIDE and LIVE A LIE for fear of judgment or being kicked out... you are in a BAD CHURCH... I would leave!

I spoke to a friend of mine this morning who works at a church and secretly struggles with homosexuality ... he can not tell anyone for fear he would lose his job. Ladies and gentleman, this is a a disgrace; the church should be a safe place for people to be real and authentic ... and get help for their struggles ... and if you can not do that at your church then find a new one!

Grace Scandal

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The message of Grace ... I believe it's often misunderstood and abused in the Christian Faith. Even in Paul's day. You know, since God will forgive by His grace when we sin, then why not just keep sinning?

It would be like me asking Jana (my wife) if she would forgive me if I cheated on her, and if she said yes, then if I was to take advantage of her forgiveness and grace and cheat (because I know she is going to forgive me) ... what kind of man would you think I am? Not only that, but wouldn't you question my love for Jana.

Isn't this what we do to God when we "take advantage" of His grace and mercy and sin? Even when we know what we are doing, or going to do is wrong?

Paul asks the question, "What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin so that grace may increase?"

Here are various versions of the Bible and what Paul's answer to that question is;
"Of course not!"
"May it never be!"
"That's unthinkable!"
"God forbid!"
"In no way!"
"Far be the thought!"
"May it never be! "
"let it not be! "

Listen, we are all guilty of pre-meditated sin! But as I have reflected on my own life and on many conversations I have had with other Christians who are living a life of sin, knowing good and well that what they are doing is NOT what God wants them to do, yet the do it. This has got to just break the heart of God. (yes, I know God's heart can't be broken for He is God), but I would have to think it saddens Him when we walk all over the price His son paid for our sin ... to trample on the cross of Christ, to spit in His face yet again.

I don't know what to think ... on one hand I am of course grateful and thankful that God is gracious, for I have need of it BIG TIME ... but also I am saddened that I often have taken advantage of God's grace ... but it's something to think about.

I leave you with this thought; I think that it's a sign of maturity when we allow God's Grace to STRENGTHEN us to LIVE RIGHT, rather then just depending on God's grace to cover our many sins.

What do you think?

Dependence

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As I am studying Luke's Gospel I am becoming very aware of Jesus' total dependence on God's power in His life through prayer ... If I am honest I fall short in this area.

I need to rely more on God's power in and through my life! How about you?

I do find it very interesting that Jesus prayed as much as He did; i suppose He understood the importance of it, and the need for it! We should as well!

Bible Reading Plan - Weeks 16 & 17

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Whoops ... sorry to all you faithful Bible-in-a-year readers! My bad ... Easter distracted me! Here it is!

Week 16

April 13
Psalms 56, 120, 140-142

April 14
1 Samuel 25-27

April 15
Psalms 17, 35, 54, 63

April 16
1 Samuel 28-31; Psalms 18; 1 Chronicles 10

April 17
Psalms 121, 123-125, 128-130

April 18
2 Samuel 1-4

April 19
Psalms 6, 8-10, 14, 16, 19, 21

Week 17

April 20
1 Chronicles 1-2

April 21
Psalms 43-45, 49, 84-85, 87

April 22
1 Chronicles 3-5

April 23
Psalms 73, 77-78

April 24
1 Chronicles 6

April 25
Psalms 81, 88, 92-93

April 26
1 Chronicles 7-10

The One Thing

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As I reflect on the state of so many marriages in our country I was thinking about the ONE THING that every spouse can bring to the table of their marriage. Not all of us can bring untold fortunes, or fame, or flawless bodies, or a full head of hair, or cottage-free thighs, or the V-shape (men), or the hour glass shape (women), or whatever else it is that we sometimes feel is so important in a relationship. But what we all can bring to the marriage table is LOVE.

Now when I say love I am talking about the God kind of love. We are all capable of giving love to our spouse, but many times we withhold it for various reasons, of course we justify why.

I know in my relationship with Jana, I can't (at least at this time) offer her untold riches or many of the other things I listed above, but what I can do is love her like she's never been loved or ever will be loved.

Are you loving your spouse more that they've ever been loved or ever could be loved?

My little boy (he is 7) asked me as soon as he got in the car after school in his cute little voice today, "Daddy, are you and Mommy ever going to break up?" I said, "well honey what makes you ask that?" He said, "it was in my own head." I assured him that Mommy could never leave me because there isn't anyone on this planet who could treat her as good as I do... this goes both ways.

I am pretty sure his thoughts came from a couple of his friends whose parents have "broken up" and he doesn't want that to happen to us. I understand that completely.

I think that if in all marriage if each spouse would give THE ONE THING they can give; LOVE ... it would make for a happy home!

Disclaimer: This isn't to excuse someone who is not providing financially for their home yet they show love... to me to truly show love IS to provide for your family.

Do Good on Good Friday

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We are in the midst of Holy Week, and for those of you who are aware I issued a challenge to the entire city (KC) to "live holy the week of Holy Week" ... and I am not sure how it's working out for you, but I am becoming more aware of my faults honestly! God help me!

As part of the Holy Week Challenge I would like to challenge you to DO SOMETHING GOOD on GOOD FRIDAY.

1) Buy the person's coffee in the line behind you!
2) Give your boss a thank you card (thanking him/her that you have a job)
3) Give your spouse a thank you card (thanking them for staying with you . lol!)
3) Give a card to your kids!
4) Give a card to parents!
5) Give something special to your employees.
6) Say thank you to the cashier, or the person who sacks your groceries, or the person who takes your order ...
7) Give a $1 to a homeless person.
8) Be creative and think of something!

Do something GOOD for GOOD FRIDAY!