Poisonous People
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I call them poisonous people, but I saw a book title recently that referred to these people as Toxic People. And it doesn't matter if you have mad people skills, all of us have problems dealing with poisonous people. And what really stinks about poisonous people is that they pollute, many times intentionally, other great relationships you might have and often cause havoc for those friendships too.
The good thing is that there are effective ways to deal with poisonous people. Being a Pastor I have had many opportunities to interact with these kinds of people and have, through trial and error, learned what works and what doesn't work when dealing with poisonous people.
1) STAY AWAY FROM POISONOUS PEOPLE
The best thing you can do really is to simply stay away from poisonous people. Avoid them all together. I know that sometimes that can be difficult because they are co-workers, church members, or even family. But you have always have a choice who you hang around!
It's really challenging to get out of a relationship with a poisonous person. They usually make you, or attemp to, feel bad or guilty for staying away. But again, this is why it's good to just stay away. It's so much easier to just not start a relationship, then it is to break it off. Make it easy on yourself.
2) BREAK UP WITH THE POISONOUS PERSON
The fact is you most likely have some poisonous people in your life. I know this is difficult, because I have had to "break up" with poisonous people over the years. They don't just walk away either, they like to poison others on their way out (this helps them to feel better about not being your friend if they can poison others to not be your friend too ... it's pure evil) again this is what they do because they are poisonous people. But just like getting poisonous food out of your system can be a little messy and uncomfortable, but wow it feels good once it's out! It's worth the temporary discomfort and mess!
3) SET BOUNDARIES
This is typically what you would do with family, since you can't always break up with them or seperate yourself from them totally. When you set boundaries you are simply making the rules for the relationships and proteecting yourself from being poisoned to death. And if they abide by the rules, whatever they may be - i.e. refusing to bail them out of trouble, not listening to them gossip or slander other people (cause this is what poisonous people do), etc.) This protects you from their negative toxic behavior.
4) MOVE ON
Poisonous people are very skilled at making people feel bad or guilty when they don't get who or what they want. Often the very thing they use to manipulate you is your own guilt. Don't be guilty! You are doing the right thing for you!
5) DON'T EVEN GET INTO IT WITH THEM
There have been those times I have tried to break up and they want to try an manipulate their way back into my life through guilt, fear, pain, sadness, and their favorite is playing the victim. They are always the one who was wronged, or hurt or mis-treated. They didn't deserve it, and especially didn't do anything wrong. They are the perfect poisonous person! You can't reason with these people, they live in their own little poisonous world that revolves around them and they don't know another way to live.
CONCLUSION:
Poisonous people are just that, poison! They are poisonous to organizations, friendships, marriages, and companies. And they are so easy to spot; they usually, no matter the situation, will have something negative to say about someone (that they no longer are friends with because that person broke up with them for the same reason you want to break up with them) - be it family, a friend, a co-worker, a spouse, a relative, a church member, or someone in leadership, etc. They are typically hateful, and bitter and often will try to mask that by being a do-gooder. They are the person who will often do good, but they do it to be seen! They want others to see their good deeds.
The good thing about life, and something you should always remember - the TRUTH always wins out, always! Sometimes it may take some time, but it does. Just walk in the LOVE of God and it all works out.
Pre-Marriage Questions
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QUESTIONS TO DISCUSS BEFORE
YOU SAY – “I DO!”
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Talk About Money
1. Am I a spender or saver – and what's my partner?
Are we comfortable spending money on the same things (such as organic food), or
do we argue about money on dates or vacations? Another important premarital
question about money: Will we have joint or separate accounts, and who will pay
the bills?2. Are we in debt? What are our plans for getting out of debt, and do we have retirement goals? Have we taken a money management course for couples? Who's responsible for our financial investments?
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Talk About Physical Intimacy
3. Have we discussed our sexual health? Do
either of you have a STD, and are you taking measures to prevent it from
spreading? Can you comfortably discuss your intimate body parts and functions?
Here's a premarital question about body image: Does your weight or appearance
affect your ability to be intimate – and can you be honest about that?4. What do we know about our preferences for intimacy? Have you talked about the preferred time of day for intimacy, number of times per week (or day), place, lights on or off, length of contact, foreplay, or how adventurous you want to be?
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Talk About Household Chores
5. Who cleans the bathroom, does the laundry, vacuums, and maintains
the lawn/garden? Who cooks the meals and does the dishes? A good
premarital question that's not often discussed: Who buys the groceries and
maintains the car? What will your division of labor look like, especially if
you have kids?6. What are our pet peeves? Does it bother you if the toilet paper is on "upside down" or are you usually completely out altogether? Do you leave the cap off your toothbrush, the toilet seat up, or the fridge door open? A practical premarital question: Can you handle another person – even one you love – in "your space"?
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Talk About Children
7. Have we, individually and as a couple, decided whether we want
children? If so, have we considered how kids will affect our
careers, lifestyle, recreation, privacy, social interests, money, and plans for
the future? Figure this out before the wedding day.8. What about infertility, unplanned pregnancies, or fostering or adopting? Premarital discussion that build a healthy marriage need to include honest discussions about having children.
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Discuss Your Careers
9. Are we both professionally established? Should
we both work full-time? Have we discussed whether one of us wants additional
training, education, or experience? A typical premarital question: Can we
afford changes in income, and does it mesh with our life goals as a married
couple?10. How do we deal with job stress? Are we grumpy or emotionally unavailable because we bring our work home – or work from home? Is our health affected by job stress? A practical premarital question is: Do we carry pagers or cell phones; if we have shift work does that impact our personal lives?
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Talk About Religion
11. Are we both committed to a relationship with Christ? How
important is Faith, Religion, Church, God, Spirituality? Will we attend church?
What denomination? Will we give financially (tithe)? How involved will we be? 12. Will you be okay to have a spouse who is uninterested in faith? Would you go to church alone?
Killer Date Idea
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I don't even have a name for this date, I should, it's just too awesome to label really. I will just describe it and give you the details on how to pull it off.
Items Needed:
1) Small folding Card Table
2) White Table Cloth, and 2 nice cloth napkins
3) Fine China (2 Dinner plates, 2 Salad plates, & 2 dessert plates)
4) 2 place settings of Silverware
5) Bottle of *Wine w/2 Glasses (*or whatever you would drink with a fine meal) bottle opener.
6) iPod, Android, iPhone (something to have music. Back in the day I used a ghetto blaster, ha ha!)
7) Food (Order takeout, or whatever works for ya)
8) Candles
9) 2 Chairs
10) A friend to help is helpful, but not a must
11) Blindfold
Okay, there are 2 ways to do this, I am going to explain the way that doesn't require the *help of a friend. First you load "items needed" up in the trunk, with out her knowing - that's what makes it super cool, and super romantic, at least I think so. Secondly, you ask her what she'd like to eat, best if you already know, then you call the order in, then go pick it up. Then you drive to a park (okay, now I've done this on a Golf Course - hole one, on top of a building, in the middle of a garden, random place with a cool view, etc. It's endless where you can set this little dinner date up ... I would suggest whatever she would dig the most.) Once you arrive at your destination have her put on the blindfold, then you open the truck and get all the stuff out and set it up (takes about 10 - 15 minutes) in the perfect spot for this little dinner.
After you have everything set up (remove food from containers and place on fine china, etc) make it look like a fine dining restuarant has set up a table in the middle of the park. Then you come back get her and walk her to her table (music should be playing, candles lit, etc) pull her chair out, have her sit down, and pour her a glass of wine (or Mountain Dew). Boom!
*The only difference is when you have a friend help you is that he/she already has everything set up when you arrive.
Important note to single dudes: Don't throw this date down on a girl unless you really like her! Because she will want to marry you after this, I promise you that! I did actually throw this date down back when I was single and that's pretty much what happened with every girl I did it for, not good. So guys, be selective and careful you are sending the right message.
Important note to married dudes: Seriously bro, do this one! Like this weekend!
Follow Peace
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People are often asking me, "How can I know it's God's will for me to do ______________?" (fill in the blank with whatever it is you want God's will on) And my answer is and always will be, Follow Peace!
In any given situation you or I face there are a couple different ways we can go, and sometimes both ways are acceptable, or within "God's will." Meaning it's your choice, do I wear the blue sweater, or the red sweater ... it doesn't really matter, and God doesn't have a preference. But for simplicity let's talk about the decisions that do infact have "God's Will" stamped on it. Now I realize that using "God's Will" is a bit much, and so we could say it like this - when faced with a decision what is the BEST or RIGHT decision. That is what I am referring to as "God's Will." What we want to make is the RIGHT decision in any given situation.
Alright, so you are dating someone and want to know if he or she is THE ONE. Easy, Follow Peace! The "peace" thing can be fuzzy if you have ignored it for too long. Usually there's a strong peace element or icky element at the beginning and that is when you should listen. Because when you ignore that gut icky feeling for too long, it becomes normal to just think icky is normal. For example, I have known girls and guys after just one date determined that the person wasn't right for them. But because she was hot, or he was rich, they ignored that feeling to only later wish they had listened to the first gut feeling.
Too many times we justify what we are feeling about a certain situation because the "amount of money we could make with this deal is huge..." over-rides what we know in our gut to be right.
Have you ever been looking at buying a car and felt a little uneasy? Now I realize that feelings are fickle, but I am not referring to the emotional side of feelings, but rather that deep down feeling that I believe is our spirit leading and guiding us.
John 16:13a "But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth."
Anytime you are trying to talk yourself into a decision that is usually because you know down deep it's no good and you shouldn't do it. Typically when a person is defending a person they are dating, or they are justifying a bunch of stuff about the person I know the person isn't the one. If you have to make excuses ... no good.
PRACTICAL APPLICATION
If you have a big decision to make I recommend you start walking towards it and see how you feel. For example let's say you are looking to purchase a house. That is a big decision and you definately want God's Will on a big purchase like that. So, here is how it works - if you are uncertain about it being God's will or not just start walking down the road to purchase and see how you feel. And if you continue to feel peace about it then continue, but if you feel uneasy maybe that means you need to gather more information or need to pursue another option. Again, follow peace in any and all decisions in life and you will have far less regrets in life!
God bless and Happy New Year!
Hanky Panky Challenge 2012
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The Hanky Panky challenge is a challenge for couples to engage in some kind of hanky
panky everyday for the entire month of February. Now, I looked up the definition
of “hanky panky” and it was not the definition I was hoping for … so I thought I
should clarify what I mean by hanky panky.
THE HANKY PANKY CHALLENGE
Here is what I have learned over the years of issuing this "Hanky Panky Challenge" ... for the guys it means one thing, and for the girls it may mean yet another, so let this blog be your guide. We are encouraging married couples to take the month of February to focus on their marriage by creating moments of intentional intimacy “hanky panky” with each other everyday, a total of 28 days of love. It's a challenge in itself just making time to connect everyday! So whether you connect for purely sexual intimacy (intercourse - hopefully no diagrams are needed here) which most dudes are probably hoping for – you are welcome guys!, or lots of kissing, touching, tickling, massages, foot rubs, hand massages, taking a bath together while listening to soft Jazz, washing each others hair, pillow talk, praying together (for each other and your family), reading a romantic book together, watch Dr. Phil – sorry, just kidding … watching a romantic movie (not Texas Chainsaw), cooking dinner together, talking a walk together, write a meaningful note to one another and read aloud, go on a romantic date … basically go back to what you did when you first met and fell so madly in love with each other! (I realize that was a massive run-on sentence! So sorry Miss Moy, my Comanche Elementary Teacher!)
Side note here; many times this is what I see failing in marriages; everything that I have mentioned above is many times absent after a year of marriage. Simply, we take each other for granted, we are too busy (or we feel we are too busy). Yet when I talk to couples about their schedule I see that there are many many opportunities in their “busy schedule” for intimacy, but it’s filled up with TV, Sports, Hobbies, Kids stuff, facebook, and just a lot of worthless busy-work.
So there it is, the Hanky Panky Challenge ... I hope you take the challenge and comment here on this post or on facebook /timmygibson. Oh yea, by the way ... I promise at the end of the 28 days your relationship will be better than ever!
I will blog more … I just had to rush to get something up here so if you heard something on TV or Radio you’ll know what it is all about!
Happy Hanky Panky!
