I hesitate to share this, but if you know me you know I am not afraid to tell-all! Ha ha! It’s what makes me me, the one and only. But, I have been going through much of my sister’s stuff in order to help lift the burden from my parents who already have heavy hearts dealing with her death. Many of her things are in boxes in my garage and the other night I decided it’s time to go through it. Much of it I am going to donate to the Safe House for battered women, but all the Hello Kitty Collectibles I am going to sell on e-bay and craigslist. So I bundle up, it’s cold, I go to the garage with a glass of wine and Michael Buble on the iPhone and start going through it all, there is lots of stuff! I come across a pack of her Cigarettes (Marlboro Reds) and I think, “ya know what, I am going to smoke one in memory of my sister” and mind you, I don’t smoke. I mean, I don’t smoke Cigarettes; I smoke Cigars and never inhale. Anyway, picture this in your mind, I find a lighter and light the thing, take a puff and about die of a coughing fit, while holding my glass of wine, a Hello Kitty Purse swinging from my shoulder, a Hello Kitty Bracelet on my wrist, a Hello Kitty Ring on my finger and a pair of Hello Kitty slippers on my feet … ha ha! If only she could see me now! She would have been proud! It ended in tears as I was overcome with emotion over the time I wish I had to spend with her, but can’t.
The space between my sad moments is getting larger and larger, thankfully. I, of course, will never forget her, but the sharpness of the pain is decreasing with each passing day. If I am sad, I let myself go there, unless I am with people who don’t know me. I do not believe that stuffing the emotion is good, but I also do not think it’s good to always live in the sad moments. Does that make sense? I mean there is so much more to my life and even her life than her death. She lived 40 years; there are so many wonderful memories to fill my mind and heart with. Not to mention I have a wife and 2 kids who need their Daddy! And I can’t think of a better way to honor her life than to live life to the full!
I think it’s important when we have a loss of any type to work through it in a healthy way. Don’t build a home there; you can pop up a tent there from time to time, but not a home. Move through it. That is what I am learning; keep moving forward. And sometimes that is a conscious choice, because your feelings want to live there and will live there if you let them. You cannot live by your feelings in this life, and those who do many times wind up behind bars or in a padded room and I don’t want to be in either place.
As I have mentioned before, it is a comfort knowing she is in Heaven that one day we will be reunited. That brings me much peace. You may be reading this having recently faced a loss, I am so sorry! I know it’s hard, and it hurts and sometimes you feel you can’t even breathe. Just keep breathing, keep moving! And if you’d need me and our prayer team to pray for you please let us know – tj@mercychurchKC.com