Moving Forward

One of the most difficult things to do when we are afraid, tired, distressed, lonely, sad, or depressed is to keep moving forward. What we really want to do is lay down. But in life we must keep moving forward ... we must press on, no matter what.

There is a scene in the movie, Sleepless in Seattle which is the story of a man, played by Tom Hanks, who lost his wife and is having trouble moving on. And his little boy, in an attempt to help his Dad move on, calls a radio talk show host to get his Dad some help... here is that scene!

I love this movie! And for many reasons, but primarily because it has a powerful message of moving on, moving forward, pressing on even when it's hard to do so. So to all my family and friends and the few others who read my blog, if you find yourself in a difficult situation and moving forward seems impossible, just keep moving forward. One day at a time! Reminds me of an old church song that I love, One Day at a Time Sweet Jesus ...

Chorus: 

 One day at a time sweet Jesus 

 That's all I'm asking from you. 

 Just give me the strength 

 To do everyday what I have to do. 

 Yesterday's gone sweet Jesus 

And tomorrow may never be mine. 

 Lord help me today, show me the way 

 One day at a time.

Happiness Isn't Always an Easy Choice

We all have heard or read the quote, "Happiness is a choice!" And while I have said it many many times, and do believe it to be true I also know that it's not always an easy choice.

I am fortunate that my personality type is pretty-much the optimistic-happy-type, so it comes easier to me than some I suspect, but still it's not always easy even for me. So I guess the question I want to address here is - How to choose happiness even when it's not easy to?

1) Make time in your life to do things that make you happy.

I teach a lot on being selfless and giving yourself away, helping others, etc etc. But there is a balance to that! You can't give what you don't have, so it is vitally important to give to yourself!


2) If there is something in your life that is ripping happiness from you, change it.

Obviously there is a balance to this as well. I mean kids can rip your happiness from you at times, I know this cause I have 2 of them, ha ha! So I am not saying so post them on craigslist ... no no no! I am talking about those things that we sometimes feel obligated to but don't have to do. But since we are people pleasers we do them. I suggest you stop. :) If it's a person, then maybe there should be a change, or at least a heart to heart conversation.


3) Resolve your inner issues.

In my 24 years of ministry I have seen people's past issues cause many problems in their life. It keeps them from happiness, and it doesn't need to.  Resolve the issues. And whatever you do learn to be a person who forgives and moves on! Don't allow junk from the past to dirty your future.

4) Find peace with God.

Of course I believe that true happiness is achieved through a healthy relationship with Jesus Christ. But let's just be honest here, I know, I am sure you do as well, Christians who are extremely unhappy! So I am not naive enough to think that just "being a Christian" makes you a happy joe lucky person! And when I hear preachers who try and sell that message I cringe, because it's just not so. It's just like the message of being a Christian will make you healthy and wealthy. Nutty! To be wealthy you must apply principles of wealth to your finances, same for health ... apply the principles. (I will stop ranting!)

Final Thoughts

I am aware that life isn't fair. Some people in this life are dealt poor hands and it sucks! And for them happiness can seem allusive, but it's worth the pursuit! Blessings to you!

Understanding God's Will

I have been teaching a series called, "Understanding God's Will" at Mercy Church on Sundays for the last several weeks and it's been fabulous! Not because I am teaching it, but because we are all in search of "God's Will" and this series is helping us understand better what God's Will is everyone AND how to better understand God's Will for our personal lives.

God is interested in every facet of our lives, and He will lead us and guide us ... are we listening? I hope so!

What series on our VIMEO page! I really do think it will shed some light on many misconceptions in making sense of God's Will, and how He works in the world today.

Guardian Angel or Just Dumb Luck?

(Shaeylea's car, yes it's a convertible)

I don't even know where to start, actually seeing this picture upsets my stomach! It is something that I hope we all learn from, especially my daughter. *This is a lesson in the importance of obeying the laws of the land, which would include wearing your seat belt at all times and taking a corner at posted speed!

Here are some of the comments I have heard regarding my daughter's car crash:

1) Wow, does she know how lucky she is? (Very!)

2) Thank God for Shaeylea's Angel keeping her safe. (I believe this to be true)

3) What a blessing she was okay. (Amen!)

4) I hope she learns her lesson. (Me too)

5) The good Lord was watching over you. (I do believe this, but what comes to my mind is all the people who die in car crashes every day... wasn't the Lord watching over them? Or at least some of them? They why did they not get so 'lucky'?)

6) Someone must have been praying. (Yes, we do! And anyone, who believes in prayer AND has a teenager has a serious prayer life)

*My wife, Jana asked Shaeylea, "Did you feel a check in your heart when going out on that road?" She said, "No." And I said, "Well of course not, God already put in the heart of a man/woman involved in setting speed restrictions for that road and then had a man post a sign on that road that read 15mph, and that was 'the sign' that she should have obeyed." 

Side note: We are always talking to our kids about following that inner voice, what we refer to as the voice of the Holy Spirit. I personally have been protected many times by simply listening to that voice.

She didn't need a voice from heaven, or a bright light to shine a light down on her car to say, "thus saith me ... slow down or you are going to crash!" And this goes for all of us, we don't need additional 'signs' from God when He has already made many things as clear as a bell,  like a huge yellow sign with a number on it! And whatever else we are doing in life that we ought not do.

Romans 13:1-7 1 "Obey the government, for God is the one who put it there. All governments have been placed in power by God. 2 So those who refuse to obey the laws of the land are refusing to obey God, and punishment will follow. 3 For the authorities do not frighten people who are doing right, but they frighten those who do wrong. So do what they say, and you will get along well. 4 The authorities are sent by God to help you. But if you are doing something wrong, of course you should be afraid, for you will be punished. The authorities are established by God for that very purpose, to punish those who do wrong."

We are THANKFUL!

There is no doubt that we are all very thankful that our daughter is okay! And yes of course I believe that Shaeylea had an Angel hold that car from flipping over on it's top. I am also aware that it is possible that it flipped over with just the perfect amount of force to not go all the way over, but only on it's side. Unlikely, but possible. There is no roll cage, so had it rolled on over it would have been bad news.

Yes, we were sad for her new car (at least new to her, it was a 2000 Ford Mustang she got for $3,400) But, it's just a car, and thankfully we had full coverage on it. It could've been much worse! And frankly, it could've been much better too ... like she could have NOT crashed and come home that night driving her car. Yet, we are counting our blessings!

LESSON LEARNED

We all should be thankful for what we do have, it could be much worse! Every day we are really "lucky" or "blessed" to be here! Each day is a blessing from the Lord.

The second thing I think we should learn here is that there are rules, laws, guidelines, restrictions, etc that are in place for our protection ... FOLLOW THEM! Do not for a second think you are immune, we are not. Life is fragile ... treat it like it!  

I'm Not Where I Thought I'd Be

Q: Is your life right where you envisioned it would be at this time in your life?

A: Probably not, if you are like the rest of us.

Now that I am getting well into my 40's I am hearing from my friends things like, "I'm not where I thought I'd be in life." Or something real similar to that phrase. Frankly, I've said that many times in the last few years.

I assume they mean what I mean by that statement; I don't have what I thought I'd have, I haven't accomplished what I thought I would accomplish, I'm not doing all that I wanted to do, etc. etc.

I am uncertain just who is right where they thought they'd be at any particular time in their life. I mean, in my early 20's I envisioned being in college, I was. In my later 20's I envisioned myself being married, I was. In my early 30's I envisioned myself having kids and being in full time church work, I did and was. In my mid to late 30's I envisioned moving to Kansas City and starting a church, I did. In my early 40's I envisioned pastoring a mega-church, I didn't. And now in my mid 40's and late 40's I have other visions, hopefully "I will" and "I did" will be what I say after I get there. But if not, well then I will keep on keeping on!

I am learning more and more in life, some things are just what they are, you can't do anything about them but you can do something about YOU! You can change yourself, your perspective, your behavior, your view, your thoughts, your beliefs, and your attitude! And when you change those things, you change the world!

Final word to all my buddies who are in their late 30's to early 40's struggling with inner identity issues, just keep on keeping on doing what you know is right!

That is a valuable lesson in life right there, just keep on doing what you know is right, and with that I would encourage you to stop doing what you know to be wrong! You'll be so happy you did, I promise!

Make It Count

We all have one life to live, let's make it count for something good!

• If you are a mom ... be the best mom you can be!

• If you are a dad ... be the best dad you can be!

• If you are an employee ... be the best employee you can be!

• If you are a boss ... be the best boss you can be!

• If you are a student ... be the best student you can be!

• If you are a grandparent ... be the best grandparent you can be!

• If you are a son or daughter ... be the best son or daughter you can be!

• If you are a friend ... be the best friend you can be!

• If you are a Christian ... be the best Christian you can be!

• If you are a (FILL IN THE BLANK) ... be the best ________________ you can be!

CLOSING THOUGHT: 

Maybe you are like me and want to be good at so many things, even things that I'm not all that good at?! It is not only depressing, it is a waste of our precious time to want to be or do something we are not able to do. I am not talking about things that might be a real possibility. I am talking about wanting to be a Rockstar and you are in your 50's and can't sing or play an instrument. Make sense? I think we waste a lot of time chasing pipe dreams, when we should be about doing what is right in front of us to do, like love those who we are responsible to and for!

Marriage Works Best When ...

... you give yourself 100% to your partner! It's really the only way. If your first concern is what you are going to get from someone, it's just the wrong thing to build a relationship on. Now, yes what you get from a relationship matters, but I believe that it's more important to think about what you are going to give! And what you should give is ALL OF YOURSELF!

There are all sorts of marriages; unhappy ones, dysfunctional ones, miserable ones, nutty ones, crazy ones, sad ones, but the one you and I want to be in is a happy one! It's not even about 'How many years you've been together' it's about being happy and fulfilled with each passing year. I want to be glad I am married, and glad I am married to who I am married to, don't you?

The opposite of what I am saying here is: Selfishness! And "selfishness" will destroy your relationship quicker than you can say, "help!"And it's easy for all of us to go there. It takes me a nanosecond! But no one likes a selfish-butt-head! But often we are that guy or that girl! 

Let me close with this thought: If your marriage is struggling even a little then I want you, starting today, to begin giving yourself 100% to your partner. Serve them, love them, give to them, be kind and generous in every way possible. Do it for 30 days and see what happens. The first 10 days they are going to think you have started using Crack, but after the 10 days when there is no signs of drug use they will respond.

I love the song All of Me by John Legend says it all! 

All of Me 

by John Legend

[Bridge:] 

Give me all of you 

Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts 

Risking it all, though it's hard 

[Chorus:] 

'Cause all of me Loves all of you 

Love your curves and all your edges 

All your perfect imperfections 

Give your all to me I'll give my all to you 

You're my end and my beginning 

Even when I lose I'm winning 

'Cause I give you all of me 

And you give me all of you I give you all of me 

And you give me all of you, oh

What Makes Marriage Work

It seems that I hear of a marriage falling a part every day. It saddens me deeply, because it doesn't have to be this way ... you can make any marriage work. Now I realize that when trust has been violated, and hearts have been shattered, and vows have been broken it's tough. Really tough!

Why do I even care?

I care because I still believe in the institution of marriage, the sanctity of it. I love love! I am fascinated by love. It's powerful when two people can come together and commit to spend the rest of their lives with each other "till death do us part." And not to mention it is the best thing for kids for their parents to be together, of course not if the home is in utter shambles, but there isn't anything better for kids than to have both parents together forever AND happy. It's the way it should be. And when couple get divorced it wrecks havoc on the kids, and even extended family, friends, and society as a whole! Let's be honest, divorce sucks, big time!

Three Things That Make Marriage Work Well:

Disclaimer: What I am about to say is completely dependent on BOTH husband and wife participating! Both must be ALL in, 100%, 100%! One person can't make a marriage work, it takes two. So if you find yourself in a marriage where one is all in and the other is not, it's going to be difficult if not impossible for there to be any awesome stuff accomplished. Now, if you are the one pulling for the marriage I encourage you to pray like crazy! God will give you direction and wisdom. 

Also, no shame or judgment on those who have been divorced, or even those getting a divorce, poop happens! And it's a bummer. I am simply trying to help those who want help, or need a little punch in the arm to get them through a tough situation. 

First and most important ...

1) God

I'm not saying that in a trite arrogant stupid naive way! But when a couple is living a life for God, I mean really living a life after God then they will (should) want to be the Man (husband) or the Woman (wife) God wants them to be.

This means that a man who really loves God will do whatever he can to love and serve his wife and kids. He will be faithful to his wife and kids in every way. This doesn't mean he will do so perfectly and without stumbling along the way from time to time. But his heart is full-on devoted to his wife and kids. His family will be more important than his career, friends and hobbies. Because that is what a real man does!

Same goes for the woman, a woman who loves God will love, respect and serve her husband and kids! She will do whatever is needed to be the pillar of the home. Her husband will come before her friends, her career, or anything else. This is what a real woman does.

I believe God to be a critical facet in any relationship because IF you really really love God you will have a constant voice of *GOOD whispering in your ear encouraging you to love, to give, to cherish, to be faithful, to be strong, etc! It's that constant voice in your heart and mind to do what is right! Let's be honest here, we all need that! In much of society I feel a pull in the other direction! I feel society encouraging me to do whatever the heck I want to do! Basically encouraging me to only think of me, myself and mine. I believe "God" is a crucial aspect in having a happy, healthy long-lasting marriage.

*Hence the reason I encourage being a part of a church community! Not that going to church means you will never have marital issues, but you will have that constant voice of good in your ear, and a support group when and if you do ever face rough times. But I can say with complete certainty that your marriage will be better being a part of a church community than it would NOT being a part of a church community! I am absolutely certain of this.


2) Love Your Spouse

When you get married you give up only thinking of what you want. I don't think most people really get it. Marriage is a joy, a blessing, and full of freedom ... but its a freedom to be faithful, loving, self sacrificing.

When you get married you gain so much, but in gaining so much you do give up things to get what you gain. It's much like anything else in life, you give up some things to gain other things. You gain an income with a job, but you do give up some of your free time in order to work. And it's a fair trade. Same with marriage.

I've had people say to me, "well I deserve to be happy, and my spouse no longer makes me happy!" I laugh when I hear that because happiness is a choice, plain and simple. The sad part is that you are so weak in character and so deceived that you are "deciding" to love someone more than the person you are supposed to love most of all, your spouse. And it's all because you "feel" something. It's ridiculous.

When I have counseled couples recovering from an affair I often ask, "Can you see now that if you had invested all the time an energy in your marriage that you were investing in the 'other person' the grass would have been greener in your own yard rather than the neighbors yard?" 


3) Love Yourself

It is impossible to love someone else fully if you do not love yourself. Loving yourself is an important part of loving your spouse. And when I say, "Love Yourself" I am referring to so many things, i.e. loving your body, loving who you are, loving your life, loving your decisions, etc. etc. I have seen people sabotage their relationship all because they hate themselves. And when someone hates themselves that can not accept love from anyone else, and they definitely can't give love.

Shame is a relationship killer. Shame is different than guilt. Guilt is feeling bad for what you have done, shame is feeling bad about who you are. Guilt is, "I did bad and I feel guilty for it." Shame is, "I do bad, therefor I am bad."


THE GOOD NEWS

Here is the good news about all three of these, God, Love Your Spouse, and Love Yourself ... YOU CAN DO IT! No one is without hope. Anyone can begin doing these things today, right now. Your Marriage can be turned around, YOU can turn it around! Seriously!  It's never too late, in my opinion.

Another Disclaimer: Obviously there are situations that are irreversible, and it's so broken that the only thing you can do is move onward, I get that. I encourage people in those situations to let go of the guilt over the past. Move on! It does no good to roll around in the past should've, could've, would've land! It's over, so what you must do now is make yourself ready for what lies ahead for you.

I am often asked by people who have been divorced, "Can people change?" I assume they are thinking, "maybe if I had stayed longer it could've worked?" It's a mystery really. I believe on one hand that people can change, but the real question is not can they, but will they. And if I am honest, most people can, but won't. They are stuck in the patterns they have grown to love and cherish and they feel safe functioning a certain way, even at the expense of those around them. Make sense?

If you or someone you now needs some Relationship Coaching, please contact my office to set up an appointment, I'd love to help you! (913) 390-1200, or email jana@mercychurchkc.com. Thank you!

Slay Your Demon (3 of 3)

My final thoughts on slaying your demon is simple really, and it's in the above picture, "The Struggle is Real." We all struggle, or should struggle with the demons within! I saw a t-shirt that read, "I don't fight with my inner demons, I just go along with them." I think that is tragic! The demons you, me and everyone struggles with will take us places we never thought we'd go, and keep us longer than we want to stay and cost us way more than we want to pay.

I believe that all 6 points I gave led up to this final point: 

7) Stay Healthy - Another thing we can do to win the war is to stay healthy! Spiritual Health, Mental and Emotional Health and Physical Health! All are very important in being able to fight off the demons within that would love to get you to do something stupid.

I am only 45, but I have seen enough of life to see a pattern in people doing stupid stuff, and the pattern is: making bad choices when you are in a bad place. Whether it's a bad mental state, emotional state, spiritual state and even a bad physical state. And this has been true in my life as well. I am most susceptible when I am weak, or troubled or stressed to do or say silly stuff.

A rule I live by and I encourage others to live by: Don't ever make big decisions when you are in a bad place emotionally, mentally, spiritually or physically. Wait until you are in a good place, and if you still want to do whatever it is when you are in a strong state, than maybe it's the right thing. I am, of course, assuming that "what you want to do" isn't immoral or corrupt. Hello!

I see this a lot in cases of adultery, divorce, and even remarriage. People who have affairs, not always but often, are super stressed at work, have a broken marriage, weak spiritually, or are going through some kind of mid-life crisis of sorts and typically always regret their decisions when they look back. Same with re-marriage; I see people get divorced and before they are even over it they "meet someone special" ... this is a recipe for disaster typically.

Okay, so I am ending this blog and there really is so much to write about this subject, and I want to leave you with one last thought and that is to not allow guilt and shame to keep you down if you have given into your demons more than you should have! That's not going to help you move forward at all, actually if anything it can weaken you. You will find yourself saying, "well I already did it last night, I might as well do it tonight too." That is just not true! If you have messed up, than ask God to forgive you and move on! Don't live in the land of past mistakes! You can win the war!

1 Timothy 6:12 "Fight the good fight of faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses."

Top 5 Regrets of the Dying

I normally do not post other articles here on my blog, I plan to do it more, especially when it's a good one like this. Enjoy!

This post originally appeared in Collective Evolution. 

A palliative nurse recorded the most common regrets of the dying and put her findings into a book called ‘The Top Five Regrets of The Dying.’ It’s not surprising to see what made the list as they are all things that touch each of our lives as we struggle to pay attention to and make time for things that we truly love. Below is the list of each regret along with an excerpt from the book. At the bottom is also a link to the book for anyone interested in checking it out. One thing on regret before we get to the list. It’s important to remember that whatever stage we are at in life, there is no need for regret. The process of regret is one that provides nothing but suffering for ourselves as we begin to allow the past to dictate how we should feel now. Instead, we can use the past as a reference point to understand what adjustments we would like to make moving forward. The adjustments do not have to come out of pain, sorrow, regret or judgment, but simply a choice to do things in a different way. We are learning all the time, we can very quickly slow that learning process down by getting stuck in the idea of regret. When it comes to making changes, be at peace with the past and remember that each moment is a new choice.

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

“This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.”

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

“This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.”

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. 

“Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.”

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

 “Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.”

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

”This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.”