Good Grief

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Just a couple weeks ago my sister, Kimberle Rae Gibson, died of an accidental overdose in her home, alone (and that still makes me cry every time I think of it). It has really been difficult to reconcile my emotions.

We had been close at times and distant at other times. I loved her all the same, in the good and in the bad; though I wish I had showed it more. Too late now! Dammit, that hurts big time! I can’t even begin to imagine how much my parents are hurting … I am trying to be there for them. It sucks.

Those that knew her knew she had her challenges, but beneath it all was a lost little girl with a heart of gold. I don’t say ‘lost’ in a spiritual sense, because she had a relationship with Christ no doubt, but she struggled in this life. As we all do.

I have never lost anyone so close, I mean I have lost great grandparents, a grandmother (Nonny,) but you expect that. I even lost my bio-logical father, Glen Hakanson, in my late teens, but I didn’t know him all that well, so it wasn’t so hard, at that time, for I had a great Dad in my life that had filled that role. He died at home, alone. As I have reflected on my bio-dad’s death what bothers me the most is that he didn’t get to spend time with me. I bet he really missed me.

This became real to me during my son’s Basketball Game last year. My son was running down the court with the ball, of course, and the joy I felt from getting to watch him play, and getting to watch him grow up is beyond words! Nothing greater! (Of course equal to watching my daughter do the same!)

And all of a sudden I had this thought, “My bio father didn’t get to do this with me.” And I lost it. I began to sob uncontrollably. I had to leave the gymnasium, face planted in my hands holding in my loud cries. It sucked! I was jacked up for the rest of the day.

I was completely overwhelmed with sadness, and the realization of how he must have felt, and how he would have longed to be with me. I know he did. He had called me at various times in my life crying letting me know he loved me and missed me. I didn’t get it at the time. I was emotionless. I didn’t feel his pain, or even mine. I do now. If I only knew then what I know now, it would be different, and I could let him know that I loved him too, I just didn’t have a relationship with him. And frankly, I wasn't encouraged to love him, if anything I was discouraged. And that sucks!

Good grief, grief hurts!

The good news is that I am still wrestling with all this stuff, even seeking counsel to walk through it all in a healthy life-giving way. Thank God for God! I don't know how people do life without Him.

If I have learned anything, at this point, it would be this:

First, as much as it depends on you, seek to have a healthy relationship with your family. If at all possible, if not possible, make sure to do what you can be proud of and feel good about, when they pass. Secondly, love deeply those who are true friends, and run from those who are not! During this time it has become increasingly clear who my real friends are, and who aren't. And lastly, if you have faced loss, grief is a process that you must walk through ... it takes time, and looks different for different people. There are no easy answers, and I am sorry for your loss, it sucks! But, it is a part of life and we'll make it through! Amen? Amen!

Me and my sister on Halloween! 

Me, my bio-dad (Glen) and my mom.


4 Healthy Way to Respond to Complaints

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When we are in a relationship there will be times we'll do things that hurt each other's feelings and we must communicate those things to our partner in a way they will truly hear you, as well as when they are communicating to us ... how we listen! HOW we communicate those things matters, as well as how we LISTEN to those complaints matters! This is an area most all of us struggle with getting right, but when we do, it can make these kinds of encounters go a lot better than they normally do.

 


So when your partner brings a complaint to you … here is what to do …


 


1)          Ask QUESTIONS for better understanding.


 


DON’T: Belittle or criticize your partner for complaining.


 


 


2)          Acknowledge the FEELINGS behind your partner’s complaint.


 


DON’T: Defend yourself.


 


This is very difficult to do, because we all want to defend ourselves, and “set the record straight!”


 


 


3)          Take RESPONSIBILITY for the problem.


 


DON’T: Deny responsibility or flip it or spin it back on your partner.


 


 


4)          Don’t RUN away.


 


DON’T: Run away, give up, withdraw and quit… fight through the fight … no pain no gain.

 
 
*Material Taken from Dr. John Gottman's book , 7 Principles for a Healthy Relationship!

Sabbatical Reflections

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I am on day 30 of a 48 day sabbatical.

What is a sabbatical? It’s a time for rest, reflection and recharging. What do you do on a sabbatical? Rest, reflect and re-charge primarily. J
It’s definitely not a vacation, even though I kicked off my sabbatical on the heals on my yearly vacation. So really the first 20 days were my family vacation, not sabbatical, but it just worked to do it all at the same time. The rest, reflect and re-charge is more the end goal… it’s what I am doing to accomplish those goals, i.e. Reading (7 books already) attending other churches (which I never get to do) and attending a church leadership workshop to help me be a better pastor and leader. So it’s not like I am sitting poolside or playing Angry Birds. Ha ha! I’m not much for games anyway; don’t even have a single game on my iPhone. It’s not really even time off, but rather time away to focus on filling up those places I’ve emptied out.

My First Sabbatical

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I leave for my 1st Sabbatical ever on June 16, 2013! I am both excited and nervous!
 
I am excited because after 15 years of fulltime pastoral service I need it; 10 years as Senior Pastor at Mercy Church and 5 years a Student Pastor elsewhere. Previous to that I served as Student Pastor for 7 years, but it was on a volunteer basis, so I don’t count that. And nervous because I’ve never been away this long before, but thankfully we have a very capable staff and leadership team to handle things.
 
If you are a part of any denomination you know that they highly recommended their pastors take a sabbatical every 5 to 7 years. So it’s a long time coming for me, I should be on my 3rd Sabbatical by now. Ha ha! Of course, I can’t complain I could have taken one in previous years, but I didn’t. No one to blame but me.
 
So this blog entry is really more for the Mercy Church congregation, but I also hope to inspire any pastor that reads it to take the recommended sabbatical. You not only need it, but deserve it; whether your church is 100 people or 10,000 people you should take a sabbatical.
 
Frankly, the reason I never took a sabbatical is that I didn’t feel our church was “big enough” to deserve one. Sad I know, but it’s how I felt. I felt that if we were huge I could justify taking some time away.
 
Now, mind you, I am not taking an elaborate Sabbatical like some pastors of larger churches do (nothing wrong with an “elaborate” sabbatical if your church can afford it) I wish our church could send me on an trip to the Holy Land to walk where Jesus walked … that would be so cool!)
 
I am taking just some time away to rest, refresh, and recharge! And I am even doing it combined with my yearly family vacation.
 
So let me be clear here, Mercy Church is NOT PAYING for my vacation or Sabbatical, but they are paying me while on my sabbatical. Make sense? There is not going to be any additional expenditures for Mercy Church during this time.
 
Sabbaticals can range in length from 1 month (which is what I am doing) to taking 1 year away … and everything in between. Again, just depends on the size of your church and abilities of staff to run the church while you are away.  
 
I have done some reading on Sabbatical Guidelines, a “what-to-do” while on sabbatical. And there are a million different ways to do this, and I am doing my own variation.
 
During the first half of my sabbatical I am going to detox myself by not even thinking about church related stuff (believe it or not this is extremely difficult for me.) It’s difficult because I actually do enjoy what I do; I am one of the lucky ones, doing what I love to do. I hope to accomplish this by reading fiction books and enjoying time with family. “Clearing the palate” as they say. Then during the latter half of my sabbatical I will begin journaling and looking into the future for what God is doing in me and through me as well as through Mercy Church.
 
If you think about it say a prayer for me that while away I will be rested and refreshed and ready for yet another 15 years of pastoral ministry.
 
Further Reading on Sabbaticals: http://qwaters.org/compass/oct-2012.pdf

How To Fight

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The reality is, all couples fight. Those that don’t - don’t live in the same state! Now we all fight different; some have calm discussions, others have passionate talks, and some have heated arguments. All of these are a form of “fighting.” And fighting is actually an important part of any relationship.  The reason "fighting" is good is because ...
 

It’s important to keep in mind that when you are fighting with your partner, it’s not about WINNING or LOSING, it’s about RESOLVING whatever issue is being discussed! When you resolve "the issue" you both win!
 
Here's the deal ...

o   Unresolved resentment and deep seated bitterness is deadly to a relationship! And fighting, if done right, can help resolve the “issue.”

o   Side-stepping difficult feelings blocks emotional intimacy. Often Peacemaker type personalities struggle with this … they don’t want to fight, but often will bury their feelings to only haunt them later. Not "fighting" is like, not going to the bathroom, that would be nice to never have to do, but it's not healthy! Fighting can be messy at times, but it's necessary to build a healthy relationship.

Fighting is how you can hash things out. Now when I say "fight"  I am not saying we throw pots and pans at each other, or that we are pulling out guns and knives, though you have maybe done that a time or two! (hopefully not the latter!)

All couples fight, the key is in HOW you fight. Here are the fight rules!


4 FIGHT RULES


1.)  Focus on the PRESENT.

 
DON’T: dig up past grievances.

2.)  Focus on partner’s actions and how those make you FEEL.


DON’T: Criticize your partner’s personality or character.

DON’T SAY: “You shouldn’t feel that way,” or even worse you “shouldn’t let that bother you,” or “you should get over it,” … not good!

 
Example: My wife, Jana used to tell me where to go when we were in the car, I hate that. And for the longest time I didn’t know why, until I dug deep into "how it made me feel" and it made me feel like she didn’t trust me and my navigation skills. And who cares if I missed an exit, I could always turn around! Just let me drive.

 
3.)  Pick a good TIME to talk.


DON’T: Complain at times when your partner is distracted by pressing matters such as a deadline or caring for small children. Or in the middle of a party! Or while at dinner with friends!

4.)  Tell your partner about your NEEDS and DESIRES.


DON’T: Expect your partner to mind-read, to guess your needs and desires.


*Material Taken from Dr. John Gottman's book , 7 Principles for a Healthy Relationship!