Don't Forget Each Other

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On June 18th I will be celebrating 17 years with my one and only wife, Jana. Like any other couple we've had our ups and downs, fortunately mostly ups, by the grace of God. And I have often been asked, "how is it that you and Jana are still so happy and in-love?"

I must confess that sometimes I wonder that myself, but then as I reflect on that question I realize that firstly, we married well. What I mean is that we were right for each other. We both had the same core values, same core religious perspectives (we don't believe or think exactly the same, but at the core we do,) we have similar goals, similar passions, similar dreams, similar likes and dislikes. And if you were ever around us you would see that in many ways we are very different as well. But at the core we are two peas in a pod, as they say.

Another big key to our happy marriage is that we aim to please each other, even on a self-less level at times, but never to the point where one is emptied while the other is full. I've seen too many marriages that are all about one taking and one giving. Sooner or later the one doing all the giving will have giving all they can give and they are not going to give any more and they walk.

Communication, honest, open heartfelt and raw communication! In counseling sessions I talk with couples who feel like they have good communication but they don't. Because again, one or both are not really being honest, like sometimes hurtfully honest. I recently counseled a couple, we'll call them Rick and Sally. Rick and Sally have been married 10 years, and it's been a pretty good 10 years, though there were a lot of things about the relationship not going well, but neither opened up to the other to talk about it. So as time went on the marriage sank deeper deeper into unhappiness. Then kids came along, life is busy, doing the deal. But still not really dealing with the issues that lay deep within their souls. And finally Rick and Sally fell out of love and want a divorce; why? They forgot each other!

Plain and simple, you forget each other then soon you have forgotten each other completely and sometimes you can't even remember why you married them in the first place.

CLARIFICATION:

When I say open and honest communication I mean telling your spouse what you like and don't like. What you want and don't want, what you are interested in and not interested in, what you fantasize about doing, etc. It's important to do this is a loving and caring way, but it has to be said. To go through marriage unhappy, because you haven't told your spouse you would like him/her to dress up before sex, or shave, or shower, or whatever ... then in a way it's your own fault for not clearly communicating. I had a guy in my office who was only having sex with his wife once every other month, but he wanted sex a couple times a week, he was frustrated and entertaining in his mind an extra-marital affair because of it (that doesn't justify it, but that's just what was happening.) So I asked him if he'd talked to his wife about that, he said he had sorta brought it up, but usually when he was mad. I told him to loving communicate with his wife that he desired her and could like to make love more frequently. He did, and she also said she wanted to make love more often too. Wow, that was easy ... just communicate!

DISCLAIMER:

If you have tried to communicate and your spouse doesn't listen, or fights back, using blame, justification, manipulation, or flips it back over on you ... then you need to go see a counselor to work it out.

Today We Are Rich

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Today We Are Rich by Tim Sanders is destined to become a self-help cult classic!

I found Tim’s book to not only be full of fun stories, but also chalked-full of new insightful thoughts and perspectives on positive thinking, daily disciplines, confident living, practical practices, happiness, being thankful, the difference between purpose and passion as well as where faith fits in to it all. Tim’s book is a fresh look at all things self-help. I have read most all the self-help classics, and often wondered if anyone would ever write one today that could even compare, Tim did it. And he didn’t just regurgitate those timeless truths from the greats, but rather gave a new spin that is forcing me to go back to read it a second time, and I don’t read books twice usually.

My copy of Today We Are Rich looks more like one of my kid’s coloring books from all the underlining and coloring I did in it! A lot of tweetable lines in Tim’s book!

So here’s the deal, whether you are on top of the world, or crouched at the bottom of the barrel in the fetal-position I highly recommend you pick up a copy of Today We Are Rich by Tim Sanders, I promise your life will be better for it, I know mine is.

Remedy for Burnout

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Q: What is burnout? (right from Wikipedia)

Burnout is a state of emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. 

We all feel tired, overwhelmed or stressed at various times in life, this is normal - it's called LIFE! But when you hardly have energy to do even your normal daily activities, or find it hard to get out of bed in the morning, every morning, you may be flirting with burnout. 


So what's the remedy?


My philosophy in life is that you can't change people, and you typically can't change things, but you can change yourself. And if burnout comes from "excessive and prolonged stress" then maybe some wisdom on how to manage stress would be helpful.


1) Take Care of Yourself

I find that stress gets to me more when I am not taking care of myself. i.e. Exercise, eating healthy, reading great books, listening to inspiring music, seeing beautiful things.


2) Take time each day to re-charge 

Whether it's a morning walk, a great book, some great music, whatever it is that re-charges your batteries, do it.


3) Know for Whom You Work


Now this applies specifically to those of us who are Christians, who are just as susceptible to burnout as anyone else, and should be aware that we are living our lives for something, and someone, far greater it should keep us encouraged and strengthened. It does me.


4) Ask for Help

One of the biggest problems I see with burnout is that the person was not asking for help. They were doing everything themselves and not delegating to others who are more than willing and able to do the work with you. This is what I call working smarter rather then harder. When one person must put up 100 chairs, it's stressful, but when you have 10 people putting up 10 chairs each, it's a piece of cake! Plus you have fellowship.

5) Start Right

I am reading a great book called, Today We Are Rich by Tim Sanders and in the book Tim talks about "easing into your day" rather then jumping right out of bed into the newspaper, TV, emails, calls, etc. But rather take the first 15 - 30 minutes of your day and feed yourself. Enjoy a cup of coffee with a good book, or a good podcast or some inspiring music.   

6) Take a Day Every Seven

This is the Sabbath principle God talks about in Exodus 20. We should take one day every 7 days to just relax, play, have fun, chill, etc.

Finish Well

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Philippians 1:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." 

Life is not a race you win by being first, but by finishing well! Life has it's ups and downs, it's obstacles, it's detours, it's pit-falls, it's valleys, it has it's mountains to climb, and it's quicksand to crawl out of! That's life! But what I believe we must all remember is that we are not defined by all the junk in the middle, we are defined by how we finish.

No matter what you have done, good or bad, get back up on your feet and move on! It's not over for you ... its not over til the fat lady sings, as they say! 

Hold Me Tight

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Hold Me Tight is for anyone desiring to mend the hurts that are keeping them from enjoying a full life together.

The premise is pretty straight forward and simple: stop worrying about your past, or your partners lack of whatever you feel is missing. Dr. Johnson says the trick to a long lasting, healthy, committed relationship starts with the understanding that codependency is a good thing, similarly to how a child relies on a parent for love and nurturing. Be open to your loved one's needs, and you'll reconnect naturally and lovingly.

If the process were as easy as it sounds however, Hold Me Tight wouldn't be needed, so the book goes into great detail as to how specifically lovers need to connect - via a series of seven conversations that will, she says, change your relationship with your partner forever.


Thankfully the book isn't preachy, judgmental or coming from negative-ville, and it flows well from one chapter to the next. It is beautifully written, touching, full of real-life stories and a joy to read. I found myself underling paragraphs because of how much Dr. Johnson's words resonated. I would recommend you have a highlighter and a journal handy to write it all down.

I have been married 17 years to the same woman and found the book very helpful in my relationship.  So it goes without saying that I highly recommend this book to everyone, coupled or otherwise, for relationship insight not easily found elsewhere.

New Series: 10 Commandments

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We've kicked off a New Series on the 10 Commandments here at Mercy Church on Sundays called "A Fresh Look". I am sure many of you are familiar with the 10 Commandments, but I would guess you can only recite a handful of the more popular ones, i.e. Don't Steal, Don't Lie, Do No Commit Adultery, etc. Honestly, I only knew 8 off the top of my head, I just couldn't remember the last two!

All that said, these 10 Commandments "statements" that God gave to Moses for the people of Israel are not something only for people back in the days of Moses, but they are relevant to those of us living here in the year 2011.

I hope you will join us for this series that will be sure to strengthen your heart, encourage your soul and feed your mind!

There is one thing to remember and that is God will not love you more if you live according to the 10 Commandments! He loves you right now, right where you are, and just how you are! Though like any good father, He wants you and I to grow in righteousness and mature in our faith!

This series is not about "Abiding By The 10 Commandments," it's about understanding the meaning behind them, and how Jesus came to fulfill them and how He has empowered us to live the life He died to give us!

Galatians 2:16 “And yet we Jewish Christians know that we become right with God, not by doing what the law commands, but by faith in Jesus Christ. So we have believed in Christ Jesus, that we might be accepted by God because of our faith in Christ and not because we have obeyed the law. For no one will ever be saved by obeying the law.”

Behind The Mask

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Galatians 6:8  
"The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life."

It's a little scary for me to share my story here for the world to read, but it's an important part of the healing process for me and if it helps you get out from behind your mask and live a free life then wonderful!

I have hidden behind a mask for many many years. It's how I lived my little perfect "Christian" life, it's how I coped. Just hide. Be on the outside who everyone wanted or expected me to be, and really the person I wanted to be, but couldn't be, or at least I felt I couldn't be - I wasn't free. But I was an empty shell and felt like I was living a lie. I often would worry that people could see through my perfect little Christian mask. I could only contain the lion within for so long with the cage I had built. But cages, walls or boundaries, are good and fine, but what really matters is WHO YOU ARE on the inside, and who you are when no one is looking.

For example, take a criminal, the best hope he/she has is internal transformation, not just rules, police, or whatever to keep him in line (nothing wrong with those things, they are very necessary and needed to protect the innocent,) but those things don't change a man. There are ways around the system/cages/boundaries though ... what really matters is helping a criminal NOT want to be a criminal anymore. Changing his WANT TO.

Back to my story; I was able to wear my little Christian mask and hide for many years while I struggled internally dealing with hate, doubt, fear, lust, and feeling so insecure and feeling as though I was living a lie. In High School I lived a very promiscuous life, sleeping around with many girls, and it killed a part of me every time, driving me to hide even more. I couldn't be honest with anyone about what I was doing, or how I was living. I buried it, kept it a secret. I've never really dealt with my past. The problem was I knew the truth - I wasn't perfect, I struggled with the lies from the past ... and it's painful to live a lie and you can't live it forever. They haunted me.

SIDE NOTE: Only by the grace of God, a great wife and great friends have I not fallen off the deep end and done something to destroy my life. But to me that's not what a rich full life is all about, i.e. just having the police around to keep me from doing bad. I wanted and needed a change so I would KEEP MYSELF from doing bad. It's one thing to have a software program to protect you from going to bad websites, it's another thing to not want to go to bad websites. Again, nothing wrong with those things to help us stay on the straight and narrow! It's just I wanted to change my WANT TO! That is where I have lived for too long; I was doing so many things to protect myself from myself ... and that finally wore me out, I couldn't do it anymore. I needed a change on the inside so that I no longer wanted to do bad.

Last year, 2010, it came to a head ... I wasn't able to hold the mask up any longer, my arms were tired. I began to let my guard down, struggling with stress, feelings of depression and insecurities and a need to be liked, desired and wanted. I began walking around the walls I had erected to protect myself from things like pornographic images and engaging in inappropriate conversations (never crossing any physical lines, but entertaining it in my mind isn't good either ... and eventually I would have crossed those lines as well had I stayed on that path.) I thank God I could no longer hide my internal struggles that were eventually going to wreck my life. I was able to be open and honest with those around me which helped me begin to experience a freedom I had not felt before. And not just a freedom to be honest, but a freedom to deal with my brokenness through counseling and other things to help me in getting healthy on the inside. 

I was afraid that if I drop the mask and was to be real with myself and others and say, "I'm broken and not as perfect as I seem - I don't have it all together, and I struggle in my mind with wanting to do bad things," people may reject me or not love me anymore. Well I began the process, actually in a sermon on a Sunday morning on January 23, 2010 called "Be A Life-Saver". I confessed my brokenness and my need for restoration and healing as I deal with my past hurts and pains in a godly way.

I am still on that journey, I still cry tears of sorrow and pain, tears of joy from the process, tears of who I have been for far too long, and especially those I hurt along the way. I am a new man today, far from perfect, but I am not the man I used to be and I am wholeheartedly pursuing the One who can and is helping me become who I am to be. I'd like to say that I am doing it for others, but honestly I am doing it for myself and I am aware that it will only be better for those around me as well.

I guess in sharing my story your story is in your mind, your broken places, the wounds from your past, the hurt from bad decisions you've made, or bad decision others made that affected you in a deep way. There is a way out, there is healing, there is restoration for you, it's in the loving arms of God.

Your life matters, that's why you should give this world and those around you the person you were created to be - you deserve it!

It Matters

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Today I had lunch with a member of our church who has a heart for helping hurting people. She is starting a ministry in our church called Bridge 68, and it's all about Justice; doing our part to help make our city (Kansas City) and our world a better place one person at a time.

What Jesus did on the cross matters, big time. Jesus didn't just get beaten, and then crucified; Jesus rose from the dead and then gave us the Holy Spirit to empower us to do good works. Now of course good works don't save us, they don't get us in God's good graces, or anything like that ... we have simply been empowered to do good through the power of the risen Christ.

I hope and pray that each and everyday we will engage in doing good to others even in small ways.

Breathe

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I am not sure if it's my age (42) or if it's just something I am coming to find very meaningful in this stage of my life, but taking time to just breathe is refreshing!

I have spent most my life running at a fast pace, busy busy busy, even on vacation or other leisure time I felt hyped up, and this is without the help of drugs. It was like I wasn't even taking the time to breathe. And as of late I am taking time to breathe, taking life in, enjoying every moment, reflecting, spending time with friends, sharing, loving, giving, just being wherever I am. It's nice to just be. I feel like I am getting more from life and from relationships, and I am definitely more calm.

Maybe you should try it.