Premarital Conversations

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Open and honest conversation is a critical aspect of any happy healthy relationship. And sometimes it helps to have some questions to kick start this process. I recently read, How to Not Die Alone By Logan Ury and she lays out, in the final chapters of the book, some good ones I am including below.

I would encourage you to have only one conversation per day. You don’t want to get bogged down with too much at once an feel like you do after Thanksgiving when you’ve eaten way too much food and feel ill. And to rush through them would be a disservice to what the questions are meant to do, which is take you deeper into the heart and mind of your partner.

Do some kind of fun activity first to help you feel connected. This could include something as simple as a walk through the park, a frisbee toss, or a quick game of Goldfish, or maybe even after a meal together so the tummy is full, then pop open a bottle of wine, or roll a blunt and start talking.

Conversation #1: The Past

  • What are three moments about your past that you feel define you?


  • How do you think your childhood affect who you are today?


  • Did your parents fight? What are your fears around relationship conflict?


  • What traditions from your family do you want to carry on in our family?


  • How did your family talk (or not talk) about sex when you were growing up?


  • What did money represent in your family?


  • What baggage from your family do you want to leave in the past?


Conversation #2: The Present

  • Do you feel comfortable talking to me as things come up?


  • Is there anything about our communication style that you want to work on?


  • Do you feel like you can be yourself in the relationship? Why or why not?


  • What changes would you like to make to our relationship?


  • How well do you think we handle conflict?


  • What’s your favorite ritual that we do together?


  • What’s something you wish we did more of together?


  • How well do you feel like I know your friends and family? Is there anyone in your life (family, friend, coworker) who you’d like me to get to know better?


  • How often would you like to be having sex? How could our sex life be better? What can I do to improve it? What’s something you’ve always wanted to try but have been afraid to ask for?


  • How often do you think about money?


  • Let’s talk openly about our finances. Do you have student loans? Credit card debt? Is my debt your debt?


  • What’s the most you’d spend on a car? A couch? A pair of shoes?


Conversation #3: The Future

  • Where do you want to live in the future?


  • Do you want to have kids? If yes, how many? When? If we can’t conceive on our own, what other options would you consider? Adoption? Surrogacy?


  • What are your expectations around splitting child care and housework duties?


  • How often do you want to see your family?


  • What role do you want religion or spirituality to play in our lives?


  • Do you want to discuss a prenup? What fears does that bring up for you?


  • How do you expect to split up finances in the future?


  • Do you expect you’ll always want to work? What happens if one of us want to take time off?


  • If I were considering a big purchase, at what dollar amount would you want me to call you?


  • What are your long-term financial goals?


  • What are you most looking forward to in the future?


  • What i a dream of yours for the future? How can I help you make it come true?

*These questions come from the book, How to Not Die Alone by Logan Ury.