How To Fight

/
The reality is, all couples fight. Those that don’t - don’t live in the same state! Now we all fight different; some have calm discussions, others have passionate talks, and some have heated arguments. All of these are a form of “fighting.” And fighting is actually an important part of any relationship.  The reason "fighting" is good is because ...
 

It’s important to keep in mind that when you are fighting with your partner, it’s not about WINNING or LOSING, it’s about RESOLVING whatever issue is being discussed! When you resolve "the issue" you both win!
 
Here's the deal ...

o   Unresolved resentment and deep seated bitterness is deadly to a relationship! And fighting, if done right, can help resolve the “issue.”

o   Side-stepping difficult feelings blocks emotional intimacy. Often Peacemaker type personalities struggle with this … they don’t want to fight, but often will bury their feelings to only haunt them later. Not "fighting" is like, not going to the bathroom, that would be nice to never have to do, but it's not healthy! Fighting can be messy at times, but it's necessary to build a healthy relationship.

Fighting is how you can hash things out. Now when I say "fight"  I am not saying we throw pots and pans at each other, or that we are pulling out guns and knives, though you have maybe done that a time or two! (hopefully not the latter!)

All couples fight, the key is in HOW you fight. Here are the fight rules!


4 FIGHT RULES


1.)  Focus on the PRESENT.

 
DON’T: dig up past grievances.

2.)  Focus on partner’s actions and how those make you FEEL.


DON’T: Criticize your partner’s personality or character.

DON’T SAY: “You shouldn’t feel that way,” or even worse you “shouldn’t let that bother you,” or “you should get over it,” … not good!

 
Example: My wife, Jana used to tell me where to go when we were in the car, I hate that. And for the longest time I didn’t know why, until I dug deep into "how it made me feel" and it made me feel like she didn’t trust me and my navigation skills. And who cares if I missed an exit, I could always turn around! Just let me drive.

 
3.)  Pick a good TIME to talk.


DON’T: Complain at times when your partner is distracted by pressing matters such as a deadline or caring for small children. Or in the middle of a party! Or while at dinner with friends!

4.)  Tell your partner about your NEEDS and DESIRES.


DON’T: Expect your partner to mind-read, to guess your needs and desires.


*Material Taken from Dr. John Gottman's book , 7 Principles for a Healthy Relationship!

A Threesome Will Save Your Marriage

/

I have single people saying to me all the time, “I am scared to get married because I don’t want to ever get divorced … what if it’s doesn’t work out? How can I know he/she is THE ONE?”

First, there are no guarantees in life or in love! When I married, at 25, I was also a little scared of divorce. Both my parents have been married multiple times, and I didn’t want that! My grandparents went through a divorce too! It’s very scary. I wanted my marriage to last “till death do us part!”

How can you really know? Can you really know? I mean really know, like for sure for sure!?

The straight up honest truth is that you can’t know for sure for sure because you can’t speak for another person, and that is what marriage is … a relationship between two people. And all you can do is make sure you are the person you are to be, and hopefully your partner will do the same!

Marriage is a step of faith! Believing that your heart and their heart will forever be intertwined to never part is what we all hope for … even pray for!  

Let me give you my thought on how to give yourself the best chance to have a forever marriage where divorce will never knock on your hearts door!

1)      Make sure to marry for the right reasons! For LOVE!

a.       Not because you’re pregnant!

b.      Not because you feel obligated!

c.       Not because you are tired of being alone.

d.      Not because there is no one else.

e.      Not for any reason other than, “You want to spend your life with this person!”

 

2)      Do not ever over-look red flags in the relationship.

a.       For example, if you are committed to things of faith, and he isn’t – red flag!

b.      He/she drinks a little too much – red flag

c.       He/she has been married multiple times – red flag

d.      He has had 6,000 jobs in the last 3 months – red flag

e.      He looks at porn, but says he’ll stop when we get married – red flag

f.        She loves to go out with her single friends every weekend – red flag

 

3)      Do not marry thinking you’ll change him/her – you won’t!

 

4)      If you are thinking, “well there is this one thing I hate about him/her” you better get that figured out BEFORE you walk the isle.

 

5)      Do you feel down deep in your gut that he/she is really right for you?

 

6)      Are you compatible?

a.       This is often overlooked because people say, “we’ll grow together over time” … and the truth is probably not!

b.      This means that you have similar interests, vision for life, plan, goals, etc! You both need to be headed in generally the same direction.

 

7)      Don’t settle.

a.       One main reason not to settle is that someday you will meet someone awesome, and since you settled with Joe Loser, now that you have met Joe Perfect, it’s going to be rough. (This of course does not justify leaving your spouse to run off with someone else, duh! I am just saying that if you are not completely sure that you are marrying the right person for you (if you settle), then the right one (or a more compatible person) may come along at another time and create difficulty. And you might be wishing you hadn’t settled.
       It would be like settling for a car that wasn't really the one you really really wanted, but you go ahead and buy it, then a few weeks later the car you really wanted comes along, and it's the same price ... this doesn't mean you will sell your car to run off and buy it, but it will make you wish you had waited for what you really really really wanted! Bottom line, don't settle! Marry because he/she is the right one for you!
      Side note: If he/she is the right one for you ... most everyone close to you will know it too!

FINAL THOUGHTS

Much of what I write is from my own marriage, as well as stories I have heard! I have had couples go through a nasty divorce and they report to me that they had settled! They knew the person wasn’t right for them, but they married them anyway thinking it would all just work out. Or that they were strong enough to just hold it together! Or that “God” would hold them together! Well here is the deal – ONE PERSON cannot hold it all together for very long! Maybe for a season here and there, but not long term! Marriage is a TEAM EFFORT! And of course I feel the perfect TEAM for a marriage is Me, my spouse and GOD! That’s the only kind of three-some I believe in! Ha ha! So there you go; A Threesome Will Save Your Marriage!

Help Me, Please!

/
John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

When you find yourself in trouble, it’s important to have a good network of people around you who can be there for you when you cry, “help me, please!” I have heard it said that you are either in difficult times, going to be in difficult times, or coming out of difficult times. And “difficult times” doesn’t mean major loss, or heartbreak, but some difficulty whether its emotional, physical, financial, or spiritual  … it just means some difficulty. I would prefer to call it a “challenge” but maybe I have read to many self-help positive thinking books! Ha ha!

I have also heard it said that you should prepare now so that when the time comes you have the needed resources to help, this is not only true financially, but also true emotionally. It’s important to have friends, good friends, friends who really care and can help be a support for you when needed. I’ll be honest and admit that I felt for many years, “I don’t need any friends!” Boy was I wrong! My friends have proven to be the best source of my success in life!

Don’t be afraid to say, “help me, please!” when you are down!

Life Trip; What's the Point?

/

Have you ever wondered; what am I doing? And, what am I doing it for? What is the purpose of all this? Am I accomplishing anything? Is this what I started out to accomplish? Is this even what I want to accomplish? Is this what I am supposed to be doing with my life? And, what am I doing again?

 I am sure, like me, you’ve struggle with these ‘life’ questions. We all do!

 I think it’s really healthy to ask these questions because it gets us thinking, so what I am doing and do I need to make some course corrections? Do I need to turn a corner? Or take another road to reach our destination? Or do I need to pull over, and take a bathroom break, stretch and get back after it?

 For the last 19 years our family goes to Florida for our vacation, and we always go the last week of June and the first week of July because typically that is when everyone in our church (all churches) also goes on vacation. Ha ha! It just works real well for us and the congregation we serve. We always drive, because to fly a family of 4 plus all the stuff we take would be pretty expensive, so to save money we road trip it, and really I wouldn’t want it any other way. I love road tripping with my family. You really get to know each other well, almost too well!
 
I could almost get to Florida with my eyes closed, though I do keep them open most the time. We try to do a little route each year, to keep it fun and interesting. We play road games, we play find every license plate game, the alphabet game; we’ll even play card games to stay busy and enjoy the trip. But one of the most important things we do to keep everyone sane is taking regular bathroom breaks (pit stop, breathers) where we stretch, run around, do some squat jumps, and other aerobic activities. I believe that just like we take “bathroom breaks” or “pit stops” or “breathers” on a road trip we should take them on our life trip!
 

Taking a breather from your responsibilities is what “Sharpens the Saw” as Stephen Covey says. It helps us to do an even better job at whatever we do. You can chop down a tree much faster if you stop ever-so-often to sharpen the saw, rather than just sawing away with a dull saw. I believe we do better in life when our saw is sharp, and time away can helps to sharpen us.
 

All that said time away, a vacation, or pit stop should be with purposeful. We should not only take that time to relax, unwind, detox, unplug, play, but also to rebuild, to replenish, to energize to refuel, to refill, to strengthen. Sharpen the saw. Often it’s in those times we get the answers we seek.
 
I encourage you to take some time, even if it's one day to get away, to unplug and dig into your soul ... you'll come back sharper!

Do What You Love

/
I know this is a popular saying, but it is so very true as well as key to living a happy and fulfilling life!

I realize that what many of us do for a "job" may not be, 'what we love,' but you can put your heart into something even if you don't 'love' it. Because what we do is a reflection of who we are, and not just what we 'do' but how we do what we do matters.

The Bible says that we should, "work as unto the Lord" which simply means that we shouldn't work only for our human boss, but the big boss, God! How would you work differently knowing that God is really your ultimate Boss? Would you be at work late? Would you do a half-axx job? Would you be wasting time on a social media site?

All that aside, whatever you do, "do it as unto the Lord" and see what joy you will begin to receive from a job well done. Take pride in what you do, no matter what it is, I promise you will feel better about yourself and your job!

Last nugget, make sure that whatever it is you really love, whether it's spending time with friends, riding bikes, taking a hike in the woods, reading, etc. Do it! Find time, make time! Life is way too short to not spend some time doing what you love to do! Do it while you can!

Hold On

/


I can’t tell you how many times in life I have wanted to quit, especially when things got difficult. I had the surrender towel in hand, ready to toss into the ring, but down in the depth of my soul there was something or someone whispering, “Hold On!”

 

Life, if you’ve lived at all you know this, isn’t always easy! And sometimes it’s downright hard! And it doesn’t always make sense either, but yet it does make sense at times … crazy, I know!

 

I say that to only say, “Hold On!” Seriously, don’t quit! Your life matters way too much to quit! Don’t quit trying, don’t quit loving, don’t quit giving, don’t quit forgiving, and don’t quit living! Just hold on, it’s bound to get better!

Mercy Church Prayer

/

Dear God My Father,

You are great and you are good!

Thank you for the blessing of life today!

 

For my sins, please forgive me!

 

Today, grant me the ability

To love people, even when they are difficult!

 

Grant me favor in all my dealings,

Bless the things I put my hand to!

 

Give me wisdom to know the difference between your will and my will! Not my will, by yours be done!

 

God, I pray you would grant Mercy Church

favor in reaching our City for Christ.

 

Help Mercy Church bring hope to the hopeless,

healing to those who are brokenhearted,

And Salvation to the lost.

 

We ask these things in the name of Jesus, Amen!