How To Fight
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It’s important to
keep in mind that when you are fighting with your partner, it’s not about
WINNING or LOSING, it’s about RESOLVING whatever issue is being discussed! When you resolve "the issue" you both win!
Here's the deal ...
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Unresolved resentment and deep
seated bitterness is deadly to a relationship! And fighting, if done
right, can help resolve the “issue.”
o
Side-stepping difficult feelings blocks emotional intimacy. Often
Peacemaker type personalities struggle with this … they don’t want to fight,
but often will bury their feelings to only haunt them later. Not "fighting" is like, not going to the bathroom, that would be nice to never have to do, but it's not healthy! Fighting can be messy at times, but it's necessary to build a healthy relationship.
Fighting is how you can hash things out. Now when I say "fight"
I am not saying we throw pots and pans at each other, or that we are pulling out guns and knives, though you have maybe
done that a time or two! (hopefully not the latter!)
All
couples fight, the key is in HOW you fight. Here are the fight rules!
4 FIGHT RULES
2.) Focus on partner’s actions and how those make you FEEL.
DON’T: Criticize your partner’s personality or character.
DON’T SAY: “You shouldn’t feel that way,” or even worse you “shouldn’t let that bother you,” or “you should get over it,” … not good!
Example: My wife, Jana used to tell me where to go when we
were in the car, I hate that. And for the longest time I didn’t know why, until
I dug deep into "how it made me feel" and
it made me feel like she didn’t trust me and my navigation skills. And who cares if I missed an exit, I could always turn around! Just let me drive.
DON’T: Complain at times when your partner is distracted by pressing matters such as a deadline or caring for small children. Or in the middle of a party! Or while at dinner with friends!
4.) Tell your partner about your NEEDS and DESIRES.
DON’T: Expect your partner to mind-read, to guess your needs and desires.
