Ya know, this, "self doubt" thing is something that I've struggled with personally my whole life. I know this may surprise those that are looking in from the outside because I over compensate to give the opposite impression. On the inside I am often a scared little 10 year old boy not feeling like I am good enough, but I wear a Superman Costume. Side note, that is my favorite Super Hero! There have even been times I wore the Superman Costume so long that it's only in the challenges of life that it fell off and there stands my 10 year old self feeling naked, small, not worthy, vulnerable, not good enough, not smart enough and not pretty enough.
Now before you start feeling sorry for me and want to just come give me a hug (Of course I am always down for a hug), I have to tell you I have come to be in a much better place in my life over the last few years. Digging deep into my soul, allowing myself to look within honestly, and be more vulnerable. Listen, I am not entirely certain just why and how we have become who we are, or why we do the things we do. I mean I have a good idea, and there are many clues that we can look at in our lives. I have followed up on and dug into my own life for answers to what makes me, me... you would need to do the same. As I have done so, so many things make more sense now, while I continue along the journey of life.
I don’t even have time to get into it all, but I think all of this is one reason I am passionate about what I get to do in life, help people with their relationships, especially their romantic ones. And see even that is something I hear a voice say, “You’re not good enough Timmy.” But on the heals of that I say, “Yes I am! Why wouldn’t I be? Cause I am not perfect? Really? Cause I have flaws? Cause I don't always do the right things?” Hmm, that sounds kinda like all of us here on planet earth.
My mind goes to a book I am reading about relationships that was written by a single person who is 20 years younger than me! So how is it that someone who had a great 25 year marriage, an amicable Divorce (yes, tragic and painful and unfortunate and full of details that are no ones’ business), raised 2 amazing adult kids, dealt with the loss of a one and only sister, the death of biological father, death of my biggest hero my Grandpa (Papa), has lived 52 years of life with no addictions, takes no drugs other than Coffee, Whisky and Weed on occasion and let’s not forget a full-head of hair (though following COVID has been falling out, so let’s see, I might end up joining the bald club here sooner than later), working in the same career for nearly 25 years now, and has no debt, a roof over my head, a car, a motorcycle, and friends who love me. Why in the Hell would I feel like a failure or think I am not worthy?
Why do any of us feel unworthy or like we aren’t enough? Or feel like imposters? On one hand I’d say, “I have no f*cking idea in all honesty!” Who the f*ck knows why the skinny girl feels fat, or the handsome guy feels ugly, or why the hardworking feel like a failure, or whatever story we’ve been telling ourselves. But I think I’ve come to understand it’s called, THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE. I can’t tell you how many people I have talked with in my line of work who struggle with these things. People you would never in a million years guess had these same thoughts.
SO WHAT’S THE FIX
So here’s the deal, I share this post not to get sympathy. I don’t want or need sympathy. I share this to only communicate that we’re all the same and on a journey with maybe one small difference; how we deal. It’s like that famous quote:
“It's not how many times you get knocked down that count, it's how many times you get back up.” —George A. Custer
So true! We all face the same demons. Some deal with their demons with prescription drugs, religious faith, will power, spirituality, meditation, yoga, fitness, counseling, friends, career, etc etc. And I have come to understand that all these things can and do help some people, and if it genuinely helps, like for real helps, and it’s healthy, and not just a distraction then stick with it. But if how you deal is with destructive behavior, addiction, or you fall into a deep dark depression, stop and seek other forms of help. I feel it’s important not to just bandaid over things. No judgment on those who find bandaid’s helpful, they have a place for a time, but eventually you need to dig into the wound, clean out the sh*t and tend to it, then giving it time to heal itself, otherwise it negatively impacts your life, and those in your life.
ACTION STEPS
“If You Always Do What You've Always Done, You'll Always Get What You've Always Got.” ~ Henry Ford.
Might be time to change it up!
We only get one life, unless the Hindus are correct, then maybe we get many? Who the f*ck knows for sure?! (No one, is the true answer!) I digress.
1. Talk to someone, preferable an elder wiser person. (Counselor, Therapist, Coach, Elder Relative, Elder Friend, etc)
2. Do some things differently.
3. Read a book.
4. Turn off the Reality TV shows.
5. Remove the mask.
6. Take the bandaid off slowly, and dig in.
7. Get out and about.
8. Breathe.
9. Do Daily affirmations.
10. Remove the things you know are toxic.
Like you, I am also on a journey. I know, I thought I’d have life all figured out by now. Gesh, I am 52 which is an age that when I was 20 I thought was old. Ha ha ha! Now I think 70 is middle aged and 100 is old-is. I hate getting flyers in the mail letting me know that in a couple more years I qualify for so many programs and discounts at places like the Golden Corral and several places in Branson. All of which I thrown in the trash refusing to acknowledge. Yes, I accept my age and will not be the guy wearing the skinny red leather pants, the Leppard print shirt unbuttoned to my navel and patent white leather shoes! And if you ever see me and I look like that, please just shoot me on site no questions knowing you would be doing me and the world a favor.
THE ENDING
Here’s the thing, you are a beautiful person no matter what you think you see in the mirror or feel about yourself. You are enough, you are worthy of love, you are on earth for a reason and that reason is to exist. And not just too exist, but to love. And to truly love you must start with yourself. I can’t tell you what happens after this life, but I don’t feel that matters all that much until that time comes, if I am honest. That’s no offense to those who do think it matters, I just don’t think it matters as much as RIGHT F*CKING NOW! We can and will deal with that later, hopefully much later. (I could do a post just about this … maybe some day I will) I read a book that really really helped me with this called, The Power of Now by Echkard Tolle. You should pick it up, maybe it’ll help.
As a Wedding Officiant, Relationship Coach, Dating Coach, Life Coach, Spiritual Advisor I meet with so many people and I wish I could just fix all their sadness, their heartbreaks, their struggles, their addictions, but I can’t, no one can but they themselves. As a Coach I can only listen, give advice from many many years of experience, my own trials and tribulations, my own suffering and loss, my own journey and all the information I have collected over the years from other couples, and people who are having the human experience.
If anything I just want to make a difference while I am lucky enough to be on this earth. I will leave you with a story that I love so much and I hope you like it too. Thank you for being you, I do love you!
THE STARFISH BY: LOREN EISLEY
One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean.
Approaching the boy, he asked, “What are you doing?” The youth replied, “Throwing starfish back into the ocean. The surf is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them back, they’ll die.” “Son,” the man said, “don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish? You can’t make a difference!”
After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish, and threw it back into the surf. Then, smiling at the man, he said…” I made a difference for that one.”
LESSON LEARNED
Even my "little boy" inside can make a difference then you can too!
