Meet in the Middle

Another thing I talk to couples about in my pre-marital sessions is the hole idea of compromise or what I like to call "Meeting in the Middle" is something you will need to do many times in a marriage.

Just FYI, if you think you are going to get married and always get your way ... you might want to wake up from that little fantasy dream world, cause it ain't going to happen! It's funny, but I've actually had couples express that, "oh we agree on everything (then they giggle and wink at each other) ... we are like two peas in a pod." 100% of the time those "two peas in a pod" become two peas in a soup - messy, lukewarm and not together on many issues.

So what is the answer to this? Simple, you must talk and meet in the middle on the issue. And if you don't the area in between where you stand and your spouse stands on any given issue there lives frustration, bitterness, resentment, hatred, and all things bad.

Let me give you some common case in points I have had to help couples "meet in the middle" on:

- Let's say the husband wants sex every day, and the wife wants sex once a week. Okay, there is a problem. He is frustrated because he feels he isn't getting it enough. She is resentful because she feels that's all he wants her for is her body. And the reality is that this issue will not go away on its own and it certainly will not get better if either one gets their way at the others expense. I mean it can't be a win lose ... we are looking for a win win.

So what do you do? Get divorced? No! Buy a tube of KY Jelly and send him to the bathroom? No! Tell him to take a cold shower? Maybe! Lol!

Actually you COMMUNICATE and meet in the middle on the issue. He shares WHY he wants you so much ... he loves you, this is how he expresses his love, and he wants to be close to you, he thinks your smoking hot, therefor he want to be with you. She expresses that she's busy and would like to just snuggle more (the famous line) be close and talk ... no sexually touching. Anyway, the bottom line is you come up with a happy medium; let's have sex 3 times a week. Now he is happy, she's happy. It's not every day, and it's not once a week ... both have compromised. Now the key is once the agreement is made, you can not be upset about what you agreed was okay!

Side note: Don't be unmovable jerk on issues. Don't be the idiot jerko guy who demands "once a day" or your going to pout like a 3 year old toddler. Same for the women, don't be a naggy haggy who just pouts, withholding sex, or reluctantly giving it up. Come on! That is no way to live. It makes for a crappy marriage. No one wants that!

There are so many other things like this I counsel couples on ... the other one is the whole "he is a dirty slob ... i hate picking up after him..." ... I will discuss this one tomorrow. So tune in ... and send your friends my link!

Expelled

I just watched a very interesting movie by Ben Stein called Expelled. In short it is a movie about the Intelligent Design debate, that actually isn't even allowed to be debated in the world of Science; which I find mind boggling!

So do we live in a world that we can "debate" on whether God doesn't exist, but we can't debate on whether He does exist. How jacked up is that?

I hadn't ever heard of a fellow named Richard Dawkins, but after hearing him speak I am firmly convinced that he is one of the dumbest smart people on the planet today!

The Official Web Site for Expelled.

Happy Couples

There is no "magic bullet" to being a happy couple ... or having a happy marriage. I believe it's many things working together ... primarily the 2 people in the relationship.

Here is what I tell couples who come into my office for pre-marital counseling.

1) Marriage is what YOU BOTH make it ... make it wonderful!

2) Love each other like crazy! Try to out LOVE one another!

Typically what we do, or at least want to do is KEEP SCORE! i.e. She didn't give me sex, so I am not going to talk to her. Or, He didn't talk to me, so I'm not going to give him sex.

That is what we call the cycle of doom! That only continues to feed the unhappiness!

3) Share your feelings RIGHT THEN.

Don't wait till there are 10 things that have piled up till you talk ... or rather BLOW UP! Now, this means that in the beginning of the marriage there will be many "talks" ... but better to have the talks, then having one person walk.

4) REPENT, and FORGIVE.

So important to be quick to repent (or say sorry) to your spouse when you have done something stupid. Jana has to do this to me all the time ... lol! Actually it's the other way around. But we do it! We say "sorry for ..." and what you should never say to them when they say, "That made me feel ..." is "you SHOULDN'T FEEL that way!" WRONG thing to say! I know this because I've said it ... many years ago... I have sense learned!

More NEXT WEEK!

Soul Mates

Let's just be honest here ... relationships can be complicated! I just celebrated 15 years of marriage bliss (that's a good thing!) and it's not always been easy, the road at times as been rough, but we've grown closer together through it all. And we really dig each other.

Why?

Great question! We are asked that all the time. And I do have an answer that I will share, but first I want to say that stop looking for your soul mate and work on being the right person. I can't tell you how many "soul-mates" I've met through the years who are now divorced. Why is that? It's because you do not "FIND" your soul-mate. I firmly believe that once you get married you "BECOME" soul-mates! It's something you GROW, not FIND.

Honestly, 25 years ago I believed in the whole soul-mate thing, along with dragons, tooth-fairies, and the Jolly Green Giant. (a little sarcasm!)

But seriously, I have always loved "love", I love romantic movies, I love romance, I love love stories (only the ones with happy endings like Serendipity, Sabrina, The Notebook, Sleepless in Seattle, How to loose a Guy in 10 Days, The Princess Bride, and Just Like Heaven) I hated the movie, Message in a Bottle!

Love is a choice, and each day Jana chooses to love me in-spite of my imperfections, and I do the same for her (though she is perfect!)

So for those of you who are SINGLE ... make sure to choose wisely! Do not marry someone for the WRONG reasons!

Now, TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS to read my blog for the NEXT WEEK... I WILL tackle this whole LOVE THANG!

Bible Reading Plan - Weeks 36 - 40

Week 36

September 1
Ezekiel 18-19

September 2
Ezekiel 20-21

September 3
Ezekiel 22-23

September 4
Ezekiel 24-27

September 5
Ezekiel 28-31

September 6
Ezekiel 32-34

September 7
Ezekiel 35-37


Week 37

September 8
Ezekiel 38-39

September 9
Ezekiel 40-41

September 10
Ezekiel 42-43

September 11
Ezekiel 44-45

September 12
Ezekiel 46-48

September 13
Joel

September 14
Daniel 1-3


Week 38

September 15
Daniel 4-6

September 16
Daniel 7-9

September 17
Daniel 10-12

September 18
Ezra 1-3

September 19
Ezra 4-6; Psalms 137

September 20
Haggai

September 21
Zechariah 1-7


Week 39

September 22
Zechariah 8-14

September 23
Esther 1-5

September 24
Esther 6-10

September 25
Ezra 7-10

September 26
Nehemiah 1-5

September 27
Lamentations 3:37-5:22

September 28
Nehemiah 6-7


Week 40

September 29
Nehemiah 11-13; Psalms 126

September 30
Malachi

October 1
Luke 1; John 1:1-14

October 2
Matthew 2; Luke 2:39-52

October 3
Matthew 3; Mark 1; Luke 3

October 4
Matthew 4; Luke 4-5; John 1:15-51

October 5
John 2-4

My Life's Journey

Over the last couple of years I have noticed that MY LIFE'S JOURNEY has become more important to me. I am guessing that it's because I am 40 now? I mean I have always taken life pretty serious in the sense that I work hard to accomplish what I feel God has laid out before me ... but lately it's become even more urgent. I am doing things more on purpose now (being more intentional), and trying to only do the things that really matter.

What about you? Are you on a journey with purpose? Do you have a God-given mission to accomplish? How is it coming along?

I have noticed something that we all do when we feel we are way off course; we just stop. We give up. We forget. We quit. We ignore. But here's the deal, start where you are right now ... make the first step in the right direction, don't say,"too much water under the bridge now ... no use ... too far gone ... I've already messed it all up" it's never too late. I know that phrase is often over-used, but it is so very true! Start today!

More and more I give serious thoughts to where God wants me, who God has made me to be, His call on my life, and the ultimate purpose for which I was born and ask myself ... am I on MY LIFE'S JOURNEY? Am I fulfilling My Life's Purpose?

I hope you are! Enjoy life's journey!

How to Support Your Pastor

99.9% of the time I blog my own thoughts ... yes, I guess it's all about me, so enough about what I think of me, what about other people, what do other people think about me? Lol ... that is a quote from a movie ... my attempt at movie humor yet again!

Moving on ... I had a new member ask me recently; What is the best way I can support you here at Mercy Church? I thought WOW, what a wonderful question to ask, no one has really ever asked me that before (but a great one to ask!).

So, like what we all do in the age of "everything you want to know is only a few clicks away" I typed "How to support your pastor" into GOOGLE and here is the second little article that popped up ... I read it, agreed 100%! So here is just a few ways to support your pastor (or church staff) at your church.

HOW TO SUPPORT YOUR PASTOR by Teachforever (eHow Community Member)


Step 1

The first thing that you can do for your pastor is to pray for him or her. Ask the Lord to give them strength and courage to do his will regardless of the obstacles that he or she may face. Pray for your pastor on a daily basis.

Step 2

Second, do not allow anyone to talk negatively about your pastor. Refuse to be involved in church gossip. Remember, God has placed your shepherd over your life and you do not want to be involved in confusion.

Step 3

Third, give liberally to the financial support of the ministry. Your tithe and offerings help support the work of the ministry. The lack of your giving will only place more undeserved pressure on your pastor.

Step 4

Fourth, try to take as much labor off of your pastor's plate as necessary. Ministry can be one of the most thankless professions. The lighter his or her load, the better the opportunity for them to seek the face of God for the congregation.

Step 5

Fifth, ensure your presence at church. Your presence alone should provide encouragement to your pastor. Others may take sabbaticals, but if you want to encourage your pastor, make sure that you are in church whenever the church doors are open.

Timmy's Thoughts

I would only add a few more practical things like; Wash the pastor's car, Mow the pastor's lawn ... ha ha! Just kidding of course. But notice in what this person wrote ... very simple, very doable, nothing weird (like the 2 things I jokingly mentioned) ... actually the 5 things are very biblically sound!

Challenge: Wherever you attend church ... support your pastor.

No Free Time

I understand No Free Time.

My schedule is probably not too much different then yours; busy! Besides my regular "office Hours" which are only Tuesday - Friday 10 - 5pm, I officiate 30 weddings a year ... which entails many times 3 pre-marital counseling sessions for each wedding, a Friday night rehearsal, and a Saturday night wedding. So here is my week;

Tuesday - work all day, then my sons football practice from 6:00 - 7:30pm (or like last nights scrimmage went till 8pm)

Wednesday - work all day, daughter has music lessons 5pm, I leave for Lawrence to lead Bible Study that begins at 9pm and is over at 10:00pm ... then I tear down and come home.

Thursday - work all day, Jana has worship rehearsal at 6:30pm, I have a wedding rehearsal at 6:00pm till 7:30pm (downtown KC).

Friday - work all day, then my sons football practice from 6:00 - 7:30pm, I've got a wedding rehearsal at 7:00pm.

Saturday - work first part of the morning on Sundays service, 10:00am Vandon has tournament game, I have a wedding 12:00pm, then Vandon has another game at 2:00pm, then I have another wedding at 6:00pm.(last Saturday night I preached at a Baptist Church, then headed down to the KC Rescue mission to serve the Homeless dinner)

Sunday - 7:00am at church setting up for 10:00am service, after service tear down lasts till 12:30pm. Then staff typically has a staff meeting or fellowship till 3:00pm. Then I have a wedding at 6:00pm

Monday - OFF

There is an eb and flow to my schedule, it's not always this busy, but it's pretty typical ... and of course these are the things that I schedule ... I can not predict the things that happen that aren't "in my schedule" that will take place from time to time.

So I tell you this not to impress you with how busy I am (many of you are much busier) but to give you a thought or two about "protecting your time."

HOW TO PROTECT YOUR TIME

1) Don't Do Too Much - pretty much my schedule is only full of the things I must do. Not that I do not want to do them, but what I mean is that they are things that I need to do. Because they are to support my family, participate in my kids activities, do my job, help people, etc. I am asked to do a lot of others things (as I am sure you are as well) but I know when it's just too much and it begins to take away from my family and my personal sanity. Saying "no" sometimes is the best thing you can say.

*I always like to put a disclaimer in here because there are people who watch a lot of TV (I just don't see how people have time to sit and watch TV ... of course unless they don't have children) and do other things that are really just unimportant and a waste of time ... just busybodies ... who need to fill their time with meaningful activities rather then just busy work ... but when you are so "busy" doing nothing stuff, you don't have time to do the real stuff.

2) Constantly Re-evaluate Your Life - Every so often I would look at what you are doing, and evaluate it's worth, it's value. Then make decisions based on that.

3) Make the Tough Calls - This often time entails hurting peoples feelings. But you just can't do everything other people want you to do. Like I said earlier; saying no is sometimes the best thing. But not everyone will see it from your perspective because they say yes to everything (and are miserable).

4) Make Time for God - It seems to me, or at least what I see often, that we get so "busy" in life we forget the MOST IMPORTANT THINGS. The most important things get crowded out first. I guess this is because people don't feel that those things are "important" enough, or "God will understand", or that they don't "have to" do them? I do preach on this rather regularly because I see it as a real issue in our culture today. And that is that anything and everything crowds God out of our lives.

There has always been some non-negotiables in my family:

1) Time with God - which entailed not just personal devotion time, but cooperate worship on Sundays (or Saturdays for some people) and serving (volunteering, or using my gift to help others). You just don't miss church unless you are dead, or at the Superbowl ... and even then you better have great seats and a ticket for the pastor. (* I am being a little sarcastic here ... and I do understand there are things that come up, tournaments that must be played, vacations to go on, etc. But just because you have a soccer game at 2PM doesn't mean you gotta skip church at 10AM) Teach your kids about what is most important in life ... it will help them for later!

2) Time with Family - never going to be too busy to spend quality time with wife and kids. Sacred family time.

3) Time with Friends - making time for fellowship, relationship ... iron sharpening iron.

My thoughts on life ... take it or leave it!

We All Have Addictions

We all are addicted to something; Sports, Family, Sex, Friends, Jesus, Church, Drugs, Alcohol, Fun, Starbucks, Drama, Gossip, TV, Work, Etc. So, not all addictions are equal, but even a good thing can lead to a bad addiction. Work is good, but if you are sacrificing your family on the altar of your career ... not good.

Challenge: Search your life... are things in proper order ... is there a healthy balance to your life and with your addictions?

God bless!

A Critical Heart

Matthew 12:34 "You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks."

Proverbs 27:15 "A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day."

What kind of heart do you have? Are you critical of everyone, and everything? Do you only see "problems" or "issues"? Do you only see what is "wrong" (at least in your opinion)? Do you walk into a beautiful room and instantly your eyes focus on the one thing that is out of place? Is 90% of something great, but you just can't keep thinking about the 10% you don't like? Do you typically point out what things "need to be fixed" rather than praising the things that are going well? Do people with problems tend to find you?

Did you answer yes to many of these questions? Then you may have a critical heart.

Here is my thought on this issue; we as Christians should be praisers not criticiers! A critical heart is when negativity takes over your life and all you see is problems, issues, things that need to change, things that need to be improved, things that are wrong, etc. Years ago I had a leader like this on our student ministry team... all he did was bring me problems. Problems he had, problems kids had, problems parents had... it was wearing me out. (side note: He was the only one of 50 leaders doing this ... it wasn't an issue of legitimate issues that needed to be addressed ... he was the only one bringing me all the issues) I found I was becoming less and less effective because I was so beat down until I told him, "stop bringing me only problems, bring me answers, solutions, praise reports... help me out here! Help me to help these kids. Help me minister to these kids, and stop being THE PROBLEM and be the ANSWER." He did, and wow we saw a major upswing in the vibe of the leadership team! He actually became my number one leader!

Here is a reality in life we must all understand ... nothing in life is perfect, or ever will be perfect, or just the way we think it ought to be. So focus on what you do like and get busy making the world around you better and stop being a critical nag of those around you.

Trust me, I have had, and do have critical nags in my life (not my wife!) and they are like a constant dripping ... they wear you out, wear you down, they take the wind out of your sails. And if I am honest, I get as far away from them as I can!

Disclaimer: Obviously I am not talking about people who are trying to help you improve things. Duh! There is a HUGE difference between constructive criticism and someone having a critical heart.

Here is how you can tell the difference: If the person compliments and praises as much if not more than they criticize, then they are just trying to help. But if they primarily only criticize, then they suffer from a critical heart.

So what am I challenging you to do? Be a support to people around you! Encourage them, praise them, believe the best about them, help them, love them ... and stop being so dang critical! You are only beating them down and destroying their self-esteem.

Jesus was gracious ... Luke 4:22 All spoke well of him and were amazed at the gracious words that came from his lips. "Isn't this Joseph's son?" they asked.

Love more!