Pervert? Or Just a Guy? (4 of 4)


I've said a lot of stuff in these last 4 blogs, and I haven’t covered ever individual case as it relates to “sexual” issues. But I have attempted to give a general overview to help both men and women. So I’d like to share a few more things that I hope helps you, especially those of you in a relationship. 

If you ever have a question you would like me to give my thoughts on, please email me at tj [AT] mercychurchKC [DOT] com.

And BTW, my ultimate goal here is to help couples have wonderful relationships, my perspective is just my perspective. And I believe it starts with being honest. Honest about even the dark places in our lives. 

I don’t make a single cent off my blog, (though if I am honest I’d like to figure out a legit way to make money blogging!) so obviously I am not blogging for money, at least not yet. Ha ha! So, when I share my only motive or at least my main motive is to help people, and if my ramblings on Life Religion & Relationships can help even one person, I’ll keep posting.


1       FOR HER: Don’t be afraid!  Just because he may struggle with sexual issues doesn't mean he will fall prey to those struggles. Just because someone is capable of doing evil doesn't mean he will do evil. Make sense? I know I have wrestled with some of these issues all my life, yet I have never darkened the door of a strip club, I've never even been to a Hooters restaurant, and I have never cheated on my spouse of 20 years. The key is that your husband/ boyfriend is wrestling against the thoughts he may have from time to time.

The Bible is clear that we are in a fight, and it’s not a fight against other humans, but a spiritual battle. So fight the fight of faith, be strong!

It’s like knowing that it is possible that you or your child could be hurt or worse, but if you walk around always fearful of what could happen, you miss out on living a fulfilling happy life here and now.  

2      Secrets are no good. If your spouse is a safe place, great TALK AWAY! If not, then find someone you can talk to. Keeping stuff secret will eventually get you, every time! It’s just a matter of time. Don’t cover it up! Even if it’s just occasionally looking at porn, talk about it with someone. You may be thinking, “Well it ain't hurting anybody, I rarely look at it, so it’s all fine.Man, please trust me when I say, don’t have secrets because they will get ya even when you are careful.

3      FOR HIM: Make sure you can honestly say, “I don’t want to have an affair, or look at porn, etc.” If you ever find yourself actually wanting to have an affair or wanting to look at porn, please go talk to a counselor, or a really wise trusted friend. Talk through what is going on in your life that may be causing you to want to do those things.

4      Don’t lie to yourself. Don’t be the kind of person who convinces themselves that it’s all okay. I would say this happens when you are not in healthy community. Meaning you don’t open up and share with anyone else who could say, “Seriously dude, that’s jacked up!” And because you don’t have anyone in your life you end up convincing yourself that it’s all okay, when it is clearly not okay.

 )     If you are married: I highly encourage having a real open and honest conversation about sex. I mean you might even need to set some ground rules, like – 1) No matter what you say I will not freak out! 2) No matter what you say I will not get mad! 3) No matter what you say I will not withdraw! 4) No matter what you say I will not get defensive! 5) Say what is really on your heart and mind! Like really! Because if he/she can’t say what is really really on their heart and mind, then it’s not the truth! And it’s the TRUTH that sets you free!

I have to give an example here to help you understand what I am saying here: I was in a session one time and the couple was having serious sexual issues. They were not having sex but once a month, and secondly it was boring and predictable. So she wanted to talk about spicing it up, like introducing oral (they had never done any of that stuff (raised super-conservative Christian)) as well as maybe some toys. He freaked out. (I swear I am not making this up!) He felt she was just way too freaky and that all the stuff she wanted to do was just evil and worldly. He even said in our session, “it’s like she wants to be some kind of porn star or something.” (Didn't find this out til 2 years later, but he was a closet porn addict.) It’s weird how he could somehow justify watching porn for sexual gratification, but yet he didn't want anything ‘freaky’ in his marriage bed. It was all backwards!

I believe that if you can create a totally fulfilling sex life in the marriage bed, then you will be less likely to even want to look at porn. The struggle may always be there, but the desire and the hunger is so diminished because you are so full. Make sense?

Back to "if you are married" every couple should sit down a few times a year and talk about the relationship! Ask questions like: How am I doing? Do you feel loved by me? Do you feel neglected? Do you feel I care about you? Do I listen well? Am I available to you? How am I performing in the bedroom? What could I do better? What needs to change? Etc. Etc. 

Only courageous humble people would even be willing to have this conversation! Those who wouldn't ask the one they love, “How can I better love you?” are just flat scared, and probably have a feeling they aren't doing a good job so they don’t want to ask. But step past the fear and go for it!

I wish you relational happiness! I really do!