I can’t even count how many sessions I have had with couples
who are having the problem of agreeing on the “frequency” of sexual intimacy. And
believe it or not, it’s not always the guy who is feeling deprived! Many times
it’s the women! (I can hear guys sighing and thinking, I wish that was my
problem! Ha ha!) I digress!
Okay, so I have a simple answer here; sex should be as
frequent as it needs to be to meet the needs of either and/or both people. Make
sense? Let me explain further, if he wants it once a day and she wants it once
a week … you will need to discuss a compromise of say, 4 times a week.
Basically neither person should ever feel deprived! Ever! You should be there
for each other sexually! And really, why wouldn't you want to be … unless there
is some other issue or problem with the relationship? He/she should never be
left hungry. Not ever! (Obviously, there are some rare exceptions, i.e. if
she/he is unable to perform, some medical condition, etc. BUT, and I do mean
BUT, just because the typical sexual organ is unavailable there are other
options that can be used to bring sexual fulfillment, i.e. the hand, tongue, (cough,
cough) you have an imagination and can figure the other ones out.) Loving
couples should work with each other on this to make it a win win! In a great
relationship that should be the heart and attitude we have towards our partner,
right?! I want to do whatever I can, whenever I can to fulfill you and give you want and need, as long as it is within my power to do so!
I have heard stories of guys whose wife could not have vaginal
sex, so she shut everything off! She wouldn't even touch him with her hand. And
that is un-loving, uncaring and just unacceptable. That would be like a guy
having a sore throat which made it hard to talk to his wife, so he not only
didn't talk, but wouldn't listen, or touch her or even be in the same room with
her. Sounds pretty dumb huh? I think so. Again, please don’t be mad at me here,
I am not being insensitive to real physical limitations or problems!
Of course all this stuff I just talked about stems from a
healthy fun fulfilling relationship. If you have an ogre for a husband and he
just wants to wham bam thank you ma’am, well that is ridiculous too! And a
little side note here … a RULE to live by guys – always PLEASE her first!
Always! I believe you should never have sexual relations without her being
FOR THE SINGLE PERSON
As a Christian growing up I was always told I should never
touch myself! My parents never said this to me, but it was over communicated in
church youth group services. I heard my fair share of sermons on the Dangers of
Masturbation. And the funny thing was that everyone was doing it (doesn't make
it right, just sayin) even those who preached against it! Including me. I
remember when I first became a youth pastor and I preached the famous DON’T
MASTURBATE sermon, and afterwards a male junior high student said, “Pastor
Timmy, it’s difficult … I don’t know what to do … what did you do when you were
a teenager?” Ha ha ha ha ha! I was caught! And I just blurted out, “I did what
I just preached you shouldn't do.” It’s true, masturbation saved me when I
started dating and allowed me to keep my virginity way longer than I would have
had I not done it I am convinced (again, this doesn't make it right, just sayin…) I
was a senior in high school just about to graduate when I lost my virginity. And
most my buddies had lost it way way before that! And if I wouldn't have been
drinking that night, or any other night, I would have made it to college a virgin! And maybe even to my wedding
day. And that would've been really cool!
If you can masturbate without lust in your heart I think it’s
fine. I would add that it’s better to do it before a date than to have sex.
I am sure there are some people who are reading this who are
100% against masturbation. And others who are totally for it. There you go, a
diverse world. Basically Jesus didn't say anything specifically about “M” but
he did say to not have lust in your heart. So, if you can do it without lust in your
heart than I feel you are okay to do it.
FOR THE MARRIED PERSON
Masturbation is fine, just make sure you are thinking of
(or picturing) your partner when you do it. Again, this is a great way to relieve
sexual tension when apart from your partner. Skype is a cool deal too ... that's what I've heard anyway.
More next week!
I want to accomplish one thing in my life, besides being a great husband, a great father and having a great head of hair! And that one thing is to help people have healthier happier relationships!