I get emails all the time from concerned wives asking if their husbands are “perverts” because of such-n-such. And I take each email very
seriously, because, as I guy, I understand my gender all too well! I can
sympathize with what goes on in a guy’s mind and body. But, as a guy, I also know
the justifications we use for our “guyish thoughts” and how we hide behind “being
a guy” too often and we say or even think, “It’s okay because all guys think
Question at hand, “Is my husband (boyfriend) a pervert or
just a guy...?”
Well, that’s a somewhat complicated question, but I will
give it my best shot! Okay, so if your man wants to look at porn (see other
women naked) he is just a normal guy! All guys, heterosexual guys anyway,
love the female body and desire to see it naked. Now, simply wanting to see
porn and actually looking at porn are two different things. Not only are there many
degrees to porn, and frankly I am not well versed on all the kinds of porn
available, but I know that there is what’s referred to as “soft” porn, and then
there is “hardcore” porn. I know that some “soft” porn is almost like
instructional type videos created to help teach couples how to have a better
sexual experience. Although I have never watched a single porn video with my
wife, I have heard couples say that it was helpful in the beginning. I am not
saying that I promote that, I am just saying.
I have been vocal about this in many of my relationship blog
posts through the years and my opinion remains the same. I do not think
watching porn as a couple is a good idea; obviously it’s not a good idea when alone
so I am unsure how it could be a good idea when together. I think robbing a
bank by yourself is wrong, and still wrong even when someone agrees to do it with you. I
am just big on monogamy (a relationship being between two people only,) even though I
myself struggle with wanting to see porn just like most guys do. I just don’t
see how anyone, maybe it’s just me, could watch another person have sex and it not create some disillusionment, disappointment, lust, jealousy or some weird
expectation or some other not-so-helpful emotion. Again, I just don’t find there to be anything
beneficial to porn in a monogamous relationship.
All that said ladies, do not freak out if you find out that
your man has looked at porn! Seriously, this does not make him a pervert! He is
not necessarily a bad guy. You only make it worse to make him feel like a sick
pervert. And you definitely do him no
favors to withhold sex from him because of it. That’s actually the stupidest thing
you could ever do! If that is your “punishment” for him when he disappoints you,
I would stop that immediately. That is just counter-intuitive and very harmful
to the relationship, you are not punishing only him, but you are hurting your
relationship in the process. He is a guy, and just like he can’t understand the
emotional things you wrestle with, you cannot fully understand the sexual things
that he wrestles with, and honestly he doesn't even fully understand it.
I am a guy who loves Jesus very much, I love my wife of
20 years, and I have often prayed this prayer, “God, can you take this insatiable
sexual desire from me?” and like he told the Apostle Paul, He says to me, “Timmy
my grace is sufficient for you.” I would encourage you to be sympathetic and supportive
in helping your man with his sexual struggle rather than condemning him or judging him for something
you just can’t fully understand.
Side note: Him
looking at porn has nothing to do with you. I know, that doesn't make sense,
but it’s just a fact. I've had women tell me, “I feel like he has had an affair
on me.” And I understand that, but him looking at porn is about him, not you.
You can be beautiful, you can be keeping him busy in the bedroom, and yet he
still wants to look at porn. It’s not about you! I promise, trust me on this.
Again, doesn't make it okay, or any less hurtful, but it’s just not about you. I am not trying to be trite here either, I know it's hurtful, but I am just saying, your not the reason he wants to look, it's because of being male, among other things that should be discussed in a safe environment. Be that safe place for him, he will love you all the more for it.
*This blog post is a result of countless emails and hours and hours of counseling couples over the last 15 years. Many couples wrestle with sexual issues and in the Christian community especially it's a hush hush thing, and that's not good. We should be talking about this! I do not claim to have all the answers. I only know what I know and feel what I feel. I share from my gut and from my personal experiences as well as my counseling experiences. I truly hope to help couples have a better relationship by sharing!
I want to accomplish one thing in my life, besides being a great husband, a great father and having a great head of hair! And that one thing is to help people have healthier happier relationships!